Maybe I didn't blow it?

[konfuseeed]

I'm in the same boat brother. Don't know whether to be there for her and support or to GAL, which i think we are all trying to do to the best of our abilities.

I think you need to "feel her out" every time you get together and let her do most of the talking and see what direction she takes.

My W talked a little about the R, but then quickly changed the subject and I didn't press. Its like they almost want to get back but don't know how and are afraid that they will be back at that unhappy place that made them want to leave.

I'm finding out for myself is how much am I willing to endure and for how long. This is obviously different for everybody but if there was a significant amount of time spent togeher, with children, Patience is your best friend but not a comfortable one.

I hear ya dude... My wife even made a comment a few weeks back about being "terrified of coming back and being unhappy again".

I guess I've just come to accept that if her and I are going to have a time together again, it will be because we want it, and not because I forced it.

In the meantime I will live my life as if we will never be together again, and make every moment her and I have together a positive one, up until the point where I decide I can't do it anymore.

I'm not at that point yet, and I can't even really speculate on when that will be, but I'm sure I'll know when it happens.

Geez... I'm impressed and the positivity I'm spewing here.

[konfuseeed]

Do you all think I would be a moron to email her? I'm not gonna ask her out, and I'm not gonna ask for validation, but I have this weird need to let her know how I feel.

And I don't mean that in a "I love you and I want you back blah blah blah" way. More in a I hope things are going ok for you and if you ever wanna talk or get together let me know, way.

I already told her that I didnt just "want her back"... But I feel like I need to clarify what I mean by that. Meaning, I want her to know that I just don't think its that easy.

I dunno... Just thinking out loud here.

I'm really kinda struggling with the pursuit thing. I don't want to pursue her, but she is a little receptive when I do. A little. If I don't pursue at all, I never hear from her... When I keep contact open, and friendly, and light, I seem to get more of a return... So I'm conflicted here.

[james217]

I'm in the same boat brother. Don't know whether to be there for her and support or to GAL, which i think we are all trying to do to the best of our abilities.

I think you need to "feel her out" every time you get together and let her do most of the talking and see what direction she takes.

My W talked a little about the R, but then quickly changed the subject and I didn't press. Its like they almost want to get back but don't know how and are afraid that they will be back at that unhappy place that made them want to leave.

I'm finding out for myself is how much am I willing to endure and for how long. This is obviously different for everybody but if there was a significant amount of time spent togeher, with children, Patience is your best friend but not a comfortable one.

I hear ya dude... My wife even made a comment a few weeks back about being "terrified of coming back and being unhappy again".

I guess I've just come to accept that if her and I are going to have a time together again, it will be because we want it, and not because I forced it.

In the meantime I will live my life as if we will never be together again, and make every moment her and I have together a positive one, up until the point where I decide I can't do it anymore.

I'm not at that point yet, and I can't even really speculate on when that will be, but I'm sure I'll know when it happens.

Geez... I'm impressed and the positivity I'm spewing here.

she's still confused dude. she's sorting through her feelings

Do you all think I would be a moron to email her? I'm not gonna ask her out, and I'm not gonna ask for validation, but I have this weird need to let her know how I feel.

And I don't mean that in a "I love you and I want you back blah blah blah" way. More in a I hope things are going ok for you and if you ever wanna talk or get together let me know, way.

I already told her that I didnt just "want her back"... But I feel like I need to clarify what I mean by that. Meaning, I want her to know that I just don't think its that easy.

I dunno... Just thinking out loud here.

I'm really kinda struggling with the pursuit thing. I don't want to pursue her, but she is a little receptive when I do. A little. If I don't pursue at all, I never hear from her... When I keep contact open, and friendly, and light, I seem to get more of a return... So I'm conflicted here.

in your M did she feel ignored alot? Did you pay her alot of attention?

I think the "get together part" may scare her off. She's already fearing coming home and being unhappy.

Just keep your convos short light and friendly (something i'm working on) and do alot more listening and assuring than talking

[konfuseeed]

Well, I typed up the email, and showed it to a friend who knows us both, and was advised highly to NOT send it.

Apparently, she was told that whenever I get "emotional" at all its a real "turn off".

I didn't think the email was emotional, really, but I might not be able to see it.


Ugh.


I have no idea what to do besides LRT at this point.

[james217]

Well, I typed up the email, and showed it to a friend who knows us both, and was advised highly to NOT send it.

Apparently, she was told that whenever I get "emotional" at all its a real "turn off".

I didn't think the email was emotional, really, but I might not be able to see it.


Ugh.


I have no idea what to do besides LRT at this point.

keep all convos positive. if she calls let her talk validate and listen. no r talk. just take it slow.

Im adjusting too and trying to learn not to be so emotional. I know it's not easy. Hang in there man

[konfuseeed]

Alright, well, her and I were chatting yesterday. I asked her if she had cool plans for her birthday in a few weeks, and she told me she had no plans.

So I threw it out there...

Asked if she would wanna go to the zoo with me on her birthday.

She said yes, and said it sounds like it would be a really good time.


So... Here we go.

Wish me luck.


PMA
No R talk
Be charming!
Be confident!

Yessir!

[konfuseeed]

I have to assume the fact that she would be so quick to accept an invite to spend her birthday with me as a good sign.

Maybe I'm just being naive, but I think its a good sign.

I have no expectations that were getting back together on that day, but I'm hoping that this birthday date could at least be the beginning of something.

[soleil]

Hey Konfuseed. I am responding to you from my thread in your thread (lol).

First I just want to point out a few things... while the length of our marriages and so on are similar & the fact that W left you because you 'ignore her' & 'don't make time' for her, it's very important I point something else out: Since moving out, I have never once told my H I want a D. Not once. I left in a very huge rage & what felt like defeat after being depressed and anxious for a long time. I'd also been telling him for approx 8 months to do MC with me & that his behavior was seriously affecting me adversely--nothing changed--I left. H is the one who filed for everything & as of 2 months ago dismissed it, though apparently his L didn't file the correct way so the case is still active...

So with that said--

As for your W, TELL HER TODAY that you do not want a D but understand you cannot stop her if that's what she wants. Make it very clear that it's not YOUR choice to D. She seems to want out and tells you she wants out yet she's hanging with you and spending your birthday with you. Sounds like to me that she's either: A. Not totally sold on the idea of D or B. Just going through the motions with you (sorry to be so blunt).

My personal advice for you is: TELL HER you will work on what needs to be changed. ASK her what you can improve on. ASK her what things you can do to help the M from HER point of view. And then make the effort. SHOW her you are willing. Actions & words both.

If she won't budge, then no dice because at least you are TRYING. If she wants to throw it all away without trying then that's her problem, not yours. Don't go down without a fight, man.

And FYI: This is my #1 biggest fear and I find myself saying this all the time:

Its like they almost want to get back but don't know how and are afraid that they will be back at that unhappy place that made them want to leave.

I hear ya dude... My wife even made a comment a few weeks back about being "terrified of coming back and being unhappy again".

And that is why you must show her things have changed/are changing/will change/yuo are willing to change what thing ran her out of the door. It's imperative.

[konfuseeed]

Thank you, Soleil!

I am worried that she is just going through the motions, but I don't really know to find that out without trying... You know?

The thing that confuses me is that so many smart people on this site seem to think the ONLY way to get a WAW to return is when they realize that they have lose the LBS.

I've been trying to get that into my sitch. I wanted her to think I was done and walking away.

But now, I need to let her know that I do not want the divorce and am still working on the things that ruined us?

Maybe its not so black and white. Maybe I could talk to her about how I am doing these things for any future relationship...

Gonna have to think on this. Need to figure out how to say this to her without basically saying "I'm still waiting for you"...

[konfuseeed]

Do you think maybe aside from telling her i don't really want the divorce, I should just keep quiet and lets my actions speak for me?

I'm thinking I don't really need to tell her I'm making changes in myself to make our relationship better, but she will be able to sense it when we hang out.

Does that make sense?