Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[25yearsmlc]

I've heard that Retro has an 80% success rate whereas MC has a 20% - I'm not saying that's true, it's just what I read online. If you can afford it, I would say it's worth a shot, but don't get your hopes up about it... go with an open mind.

I've never been but I've read a lot of stories about it and the dialoging online. I wouldn't have tried so hard to go if I didn't think it would matter to me.

Just fyi--we went to Retrovaille and paid the money AND paid an extra $650 for another couple to do. IOW, we donated enough for ourselves and another couple to go who cannot afford to go, which is why SOME and maybe ALL Retrovaille's try so hard to work with couples who lack the money. We did not pay anything but the deposit, in advance. As far as I know, most couples at our retreat also paid extra for another couple. We were housed at a Church place where seminarians stay, so it was no frills place, but quite serene and lovely. And YES, Retrovaille helped us a lot. I'd say out of 25 couples there, well, 23 showed up for follow up. Don't know what all happened later on, but many had no hope when they came, or very little. 2 years after, of the couples who answer the follow up, 80% are still married but only 2/3 answer the follow up survey, So IF all of the 1/3 who do not respond are ALL divorced, well, you're still batting better than most m's in trouble. (Someone do the math please). And fwiw, I think many couples who fail to answer the survey simply moved away within 2 years or don't fill out the whole form b/c it's long. I would not say that they are necessarily divorced. But thought I'd put that info in...also, fyi in OUR area, no couple is turned down for financial reasons. Let me repeat that, in OUR AREA and I assumed elsewhere, NO COUPLE IS TURNED DOWN FOR RETROVAILLE FOR FINANCIAL REASONS...I Double checked this so I know it's true.

The follow up to Retrovaille is HUGE and CRUCIAL to do and requires perseverance. All you can expect from the weekend itself, or HOPE for, is the willingness to see your spouse in a new light and to have the energy to do some follow up work on the m. You will feel better about each other if you put ANY effort into their exercises and you do NOT have to "share" anything in public. Few do.

As for your sitch in particular, please follow Puppy's advice and Safflie's and the many other good posters here. You do keep score and honey, EVERYONE keeps score differently incl your h, and in his mind, you are losing. That's why I say "lose the scorecard" and try to start fresh. Your behavior enables him AND eggs him on in some ways so it's a bad dynamic but I am NOT saying it's all your fault by a long shot. He's acting terribly and you're scrambling to accomadate and self examine every move. Do your best, and leave the results up to God....seriously, you will go nuts second guessing everything you do or say or feel, and trying to know in advance how your h will react. Go with what YOU feel is right, and let the cards fall where they do. The big guy upstairs will catch you if you "fall". Know what I mean?

Also, why do you want THIS man? Is it him or his kids? His behavior is pretty appalling, all in all. I'm just asking you to recheck your feelings and ego and etc.

Also, I did reach the point Allen describes for LBSers who decide divorce would not be the worst thing in the world, and it is empowering to know that.
Might even be essential to saving the m. I was done in a way and it was h who wanted us to go to Retrovaille b/c I just got sick & tired of feeling sick & tired in our m after all his wackiness. I was ready to be on my own not tethered to someone I could not rely on. And then, and only really then, did my old h "show up" in my life. And it was Sunday the last day of Retrovaille that I was SURE that my h had "gotten it" when he broke down, filled with remorse that he had done so much damage.

Call the retro people and see what they'll do. They may say it's non-refund but they want couples to save their m's if poss so they may also say "come another time"

Gotta go, good luck,
j-