New and Needing Advice (Long)

[sandi2]

Don't misunderstand by what I am saying by using the expression "tough love". This is the same kind of love we have to use with teenagers out of control, family who are have addictions, etc. It doesn't mean that you go around screaming at them, but you do not enable their bad behavior. For a WAW, I believe a soft, controlled, low tone of voice, shows her you mean what you say and it is not empty threats.

As you make your plans and gather information about W & OM, you need to decide what the deal breakers are for you. If it is her having an A, then tell her that you cannot live in an open M and share her with OM. (This is why you need to read the thread about boundaries.) You lay down the boundaries, be firm (not a jerk) and take no b.s. from her. Will she get mad? Sure, but so what? Will she leave you? Perhaps, but she will anyway if you continue on this path.

It is better to keep your dignity and show how a man should respond under these circumstances. Wouldn't you want to feel that you kept your honor & self-respect in tact if the M continue or not? You have norms & standards by which you live and you should not compromise to the point of being emotionally abused by your spouse. Unfortunately, that is what happening by the way you are trying to "love unconditionally".

My H went without work during the time I was having my EA, so I understand how it affects the MR. It is difficult for a man to keep his esteem up when his W is working and he isn't. If she isn't being the kind of woman she "should".....it makes things hard all the way around. But your strength as a man does not totally depend on having a job, as long as you are trying to get work. I believe it is in the heart & soul of a man. It is his God-given character, so to speak. There are opportunities every day for a man to show his W how she can depend upon him to handle difficulties of life with inner strength & honor. If she tests him, he gently but firmly instructs her not to speak to him (or whatever) in a disrespectul manner. If she continues to do it....then he gives her a boundary with a consequence if she breaks it. Believe me, she will not be attracted to a H who she cannot respect. She may have to experience a consequence, but if she wants this man.....she will straighten up her act.