But he also actually likes living on his own and chasing women.
What exactly is there to do about that? If he enjoys his own company, the opportunties he has to socialize in the big city, the fact that everyone wants to invite a single successful man to their parties, and the chance to have almost any woman he wants for the next 5 years, what am I supposed to do?
Detach, NC. There is nothing you are going to be able to do to fix him. He has to realize that for himself.
I would suggest that IMHO you should not give up your good paying job to move back to his city, unless you get a better job there.
SC Along with detaching, try not to be so available to him. I understand why you`re going out with H. Go and have a wonderful time and look and feel your best.
Back in reality, be a little mysterious. Don`t always answer his calls, let him leave a message, when you do speak on the phone, be sure to end the conversation first. Buy yourself a small bouquet of flowers, just because your beautiful, and let H wonder about them. You have nothing to hide.
Just a few suggestions that worked for me. This is a long, long, ride.
SC, I've thought that something has been completely off w/your h since your first posting. My personal opinion? I think he likes being in control and jerking you around. He likes the idea of knowing that you are there for him and would do just about anything to have him back in the relationship. He really thinks he's got it made....if you go back and read your postings, it's all about what he wants and when he wants it. I may be wrong, but I do not think he's actually thinking about you, what you want or how the children are dealing with this situation.
In his mind, he has to prove to himself that this will not work. He wants to be able to say that he gave it his best shot and then run again. Keep in mind, appearances are everything to them during this time and they do not want to look like the bad guys. They want "joe public" to think that they've done everything they could to save the marriage. Oh, yeah...he's working on the relationship!
Listen to your gut instincts...they will not lead you down the wrong path.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you all for the comments, and especially so quickly as we were going on that "date" yesterday.
GUESS WHAT? It get's more bizarre....
The date went well, I looked great (if I do say so myself, lol!!), he was extremely nice and attentive, and the dinner and show was great. We talked alot. He said many of the "right" things about caring, healing, new directions, why it happened, what he realizes and wants to change, and so on.
Sounds great, right?
But here's the NEW CATCH!!!
Now that he thinks he's going to loose his job, he wants to give up his apartment in the other city --and move to the house the kids and I live in (and that I had to buy myself when he left us). He says we can live off of the last of the money he has from his half of the old matrimonial home sale. He'll stay home and write books. (WTF?!!). Maybe he'll find a job here, or maybe we'll move again in a few years after teenager is out of high school.
So now the romantic in me says, we have another chance, he's willing to come to my city, the circumstances have given us a new go at this marriage and life.
The cynic in me says, great, he lives off me for 2 years, gets a share of the house I had to buy with the split financials from the separation, then as a stay-at-home Dad if he leaves again I have no claim for support, custody, in fact I'll owe HIM alimony off my puny job, while he goes back and becomes rich in his major career world!!
OR, he says if I don't like the option where he comes home to us (above), then he will have to stay in the other city without us, and find a new good paying job, and will send us support payments and move on with his life (because, as he says, we don't want HIM, just his money).
And of course us going to his city is an option, but one he really doesn't want to do (probalby won't actually agree to) because I'd have to give up my career, teenager doesn't want to move, kids are putting down roots here, housing is tres expensive there, and so on (same rationales as before, some valid, some who cares!).
OK, give it your best, I really really want to hear... NOW WHAT?!!
SC Your h is trying to guilt you or pressure you into taking him back. He is still in mlc and he will run again. You already know this. Don't uproot your life for him. Tell him sorry but he will have to find a new job in his city for now. If and when he comes through his mlc then he will want to come home to you but then it will be real. Honesly I can't believe after everything he has done he actually expects he can come home and you will support him.
Think of what is best for you and your children. Put yourselves first. I think you already know the answer to this.
SCH - that "NOW WHAT" you will ultimately have answer for yourself.
I see glimpses of rationality, but there is lot's of MLC behavior still showing...So this week he want's to become a writer...last week he wanted to move to France...what will it be next week? He is still trying to find himself.
If you decide to reconcile, you may want to think about a contract. Where you spell out financial responsibilities, and future obligations to each other in case things don't work out. I'm not a lawyer, but I think that would address some of your concerns.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
WH's creating weeks of threads of text-messages on my phone (and his I guess) that make it sound like we are having a passionate ongoing reconciliation, even though we're not. For the lawyers/courts to move the separation date he's trying to move? I don't reply to them, but does that matter? I don't shoot them down either. Another one just now. Grrrrr...
SCH, this is what we wanted all along...them being interested and wanting to work things out. But when that possibility is actually here, everything seems even more complicated then before. You don't know what's true, what's wishful thinking, what can you trust and what decisions to make.
I'm kind of in the same place. I think that it will be a very slow process to sort through all of that, so take your time...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
