how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

but i don't want this new him, either. he may come out of it, he may not, i don't know.

It is too bad that it has come to this; I hope your better understanding of yourself and the situation will help.

I can understand what you're saying about not wanting the new him; since I've told my W about some very personal issues that I thought she didn't know about (but she had), she's gotten harder to live with. I know she needs time, and so do I. Your H has put his inabilities on paper. My W (and in the past me) have done it with words. It hurts to be stuck, doesn't it?

But you've done what you could. Time can change things, but you are taking care of yourself and trying to understand yourself, too. Consider this a success, not a failure, TTA~

[trytryagain]

it IS too bad it's come to this. perhaps time could change things, but i don't even know if i'd want to change them at this point. i really don't know if he's capable of being the man that I NEED in my life. i want to believe he could...but his past actions tell me i should know better.

it does hurt to be stuck, but i won't allow myself to stay in this place. there is a world of opportunities out there for me. in all honesty, i have had more fun in the last 3 months than i have in a long time. not because my H isn't around, but because i'm finally learning about myself and what makes me happy and pursuing those things instead of worrying about what my H is or isn't doing that is going to bother/hurt/annoy me.

we had some wonderful times together and i will always cherish those memories, but those memories alone aren't strong enough to rebuild a marriage on when one person isn't ready or willing.

[Onthemountaintop]

You've moved with your POV quite quickly. Was there a moment that you 'woke up' or is this something that you'll need to keep working through with your IC to ensure your feelings are genuine (not masking any pain).

[trytryagain]

i've been moving to this POV since my H moved out at the end of January. i don't know if there's a moment that i woke up so much...maybe the "have a nice bday" text on my 30th, maybe his whining about having to give up the motorcycle over a LIFE CHANGING decision he made, maybe the fact that he still thinks we can't fix this. i don't know. but i'm not going to sit around and hold on to hope when he's not giving me ANY reasons to.

[trytryagain]

i am talking to my IC about all of this and she actually congratulated me on my mental/emotional progression. i don't feel like i'm masking anything. i'm still in pain, i still cry, i still feel moments of anger and anguish...but i'm also letting go of the marriage that i did have. and i'm ok with that. i'm ok with where i am now. i love my H and i really truly believe in the commitment of marriage - but all i have control over is is myself and my own actions and responses, so if this is the direction he wants to go, i'll go.

[trytryagain]

damn this constant up and down of emotions. one day i am fine, the next day i am a mess. i hate feeling this way. i'm moving forward, i'm accepting and letting go, and yet today i find myself overwhelmed that the man i married is letting ME go. the whole course of my life will change....maybe for the better, who knows. but it still hurts today.

[trytryagain]

well, it looks like i'll be meeting with a L on sunday afternoon to go over the separation agreement my H had drafted up (based on what we'd mutually agreed upon prior to him moving out). i have mixed feelings about this. i know the signed agreement isn't the same as D papers, but...still feels like a nail in the coffin. he will eventually (our "waiting period" is over as of august 1) have to file D papers, but the separation agreement is a legally binding document that states that we plan to file for D.

part of me wants to move on with my life without my H. part of me wants to cling to him and to our M. why did he give up so easily? why doesn't he want to fight for us? can he not see what he will be losing? he left me, he left our life together...and i have to deal with picking up the pieces myself. i know i'm capable and things will eventually go on. i'm ready to let go of the M we had. i don't know if it's what i really want. how do you know when you're in such an emotional haze, what you really want and what is just panic/fear/avoidance??

[Onthemountaintop]

TTA: Why not ask him if he still wants the agreement. Tell him that you have hope and you would like to try the M.

You have said that before, I know. If he says he wants it, then sign it and move on unless he goes back or gives you other firm thoughts.

If not, then cancel Sunday.

Everything is a risk, and you've gone through a lot of hurt. He probably has, too. Remember 2008? You said that you had to leave the country to decide if you wanted to get together again. Pain is the name of this awful game that will eventually end one way or another.

Taking a risk can't hurt more than a divorce.

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM. i know this is what he wants. i will meet with the L anyway and ask him again if this is what he wants prior to signing it (i have to sign it in front of a public notary anyway).

he's not giving me much of anything right now. maybe that will change by august, but...i'm not really holding my breath. maybe if i moved on and signed the thing i'd have a better idea. maybe if i saw that i could be happy with someone else i wouldn't have such a hard time with missing my H.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

tta

part of me wants to move on with my life without my H. part of me wants to cling to him and to our M. why did he give up so easily? why doesn't he want to fight for us? can he not see what he will be losing? he left me, he left our life together...and i have to deal with picking up the pieces myself. i know i'm capable and things will eventually go on. i'm ready to let go of the M we had. i don't know if it's what i really want. how do you know when you're in such an emotional haze, what you really want and what is just panic/fear/avoidance??

We all have these thoughts.

You need to stop wondering why, how, could he do these things.

This will eat you up.

As for the separation, I don't think you should ask him again about M. He knows how you feel about it.
You say this is something he wants right?
Then you need to give it to him with a smile on her face.

My W said we should see a mediator to come up with a post nuptial agreement. At first I was angry b/c I thought my DBing was working and she thought differently. I remember saying to her "if you want a D then lets go up the the court house this week and get one!"

Maybe this was a turning point for me b/c I haven't received anything else from her about the post nup and it's been a month now.

You arguing with him about this will only make him want it more.

I haven't read your whole sitch but instead of asking him to work on M say something like this: I agree with you on this separation and I feel we both need time to work on ourselves b/c I don't want to go back to the way things were.

I may be saying the same thing to W very shortly.