Have you tried to think what a 17 year old girl would want to do for fun?
It probably wouldn't include you, and I mean this in as nice a way as I know how to say it. A 17 year old girl would want to be with other young girls - party - drink - dance - maybe work out at a club. The list is going to include things that make her feel young.
If she is like so many MLCers, that is her mission - to be young again and stay that way forever. They want a "Do Over" of their perceived Lost Youth. So shopping for new clothes no one can afford might be on the list, along with the things already mentioned. Maybe a music concert that you would not normally enjoy, but she would. Maybe things that get her close to large numbers of younger people?
I am guessing a good list would include a lot of "all about me" activities for her. What do you get out of it? Probably not as much as you put into it, and it might fuel her fire the wrong way.
Fixer, I think your on to something here about your W`s expressing her feelings. Maybe she`s not really able to express herself. Especially when she`s confronted. Can you find a way to talk with her when she`s calm without pressuring her. She probably gets tense because she can`t express herself.
I`m happy to know she`s improving. Hang on a little longer Fixer. I remember when she wouldn`t even let you hold her hand.
Was2sad, I like your ideas and yes she still parties without me. For this summer I have three concerts lined up. Two concerts are with friends. One with my sister and husband. I try to sneak off with her for drinks when there is an opportunity.
Celestial, I don't care if my W yells at me except for two reasons; SS23and D12. When my SS hears us fight he defends his mom which means he feels like he has to threaten me. One time he punched me in the face when I wasn't looking. Even if I'm not yelling back he tells me to shut-up. I tell him that mom needs to express herself and if that means yelling at me then let her do it. This is not something I came up with this was brought up in a MC sessions a long time ago. The other reason is D12. I don't think she should hear two adults fighting when she knows what our stick is like.
Yes, you should not fight in front of them, they are as tense as W. You know that saying about mom being happy, when mom`s not happy, the whole house knows.
I know you`ve been searching for a way for her to open up to you without being afraid of your reaction. That`s a mystery to you. Hang on tho, because if W acts and thinks like a 17 year old, lets see her reaction to being a grandma. I hope she gets the same feeling I had when I first held my granddaughter. My whole outlook on life changed for the better in so many ways.
Thanks your a good friend. A long time ago before the IDLY bomb, my W said that same quote with her own twist. She said when mom's not happy no one else in the house is happy.
You remember when I said it doesn't bother me to be a grandad. Well, it does a litte. I'm afraid of turning into my W's family. My MIL didn't spend time with our D until she was much older. She didn't volunteer to change any diapers or to feed her.
Fixer, My H felt the same way when he found out about being grandpa. That he would end up taking care of her as well. Didn`t turn out that way. My S takes care of her.
Our sitch is so much the same its scary. I didn't know my W took herself off the ADs and when she did things got crazy. I also encouraged her to stay on them, but only made things with us worse.
My W never left the house. In the beginning she would be out of all hours of the night. Secretive with her phone and text messages. There's pleny more that happened and I DB'd my butt off. I've backslid many times and I still back slide. I would constantly think about my stich which caused me stress leading to medical issues.
Now, she goes out... I don't care. She comes home I greet her with a smile and go out. If my SS is home and willing to watch our D we go out for drinks.
What I should not do. Ask we're we are in our stich. Go on and on about how life would be better if she L me. Not take care of myself and stop staying out at bars b/c there's no where else to go.
I think you've picked a good name which will be with you for a long time. Be true to yourself and don't get involved with drama of his stich.
I give you so much credit for hanging in there as long as you have. To be honest, I wish my H didn't leave now. I wish I knew what was easier as far as working on a M. If they stay under one roof or if they leave.
H started fighting like I said for about a week before he left, and would push and push me until I would say for him to get out, because he was fighting with the kids too.
He said he wasn't going any where so I really didn't believe he would go, but then the big fight hit and he was gone. I really believe that his step-mother told him he could stay there so he started a huge fight a couple of days before he left.
What I wouldn't do for H to hold my hand or something. But then again we had relations in Nov and March and still nothing as far as working on our M.
Hang in there, I think it sounds a little like your W is starting to come out of the fog. Heck, you've hung in there this long!
Thanks for the words of encouragement. Last night I rummaged through the archives and found some of my older posts. I stayed for our D and not for my W. Please don't give me more credit than I deserve.
Hang tough and take it one day at a time. You will learn to do many things without your H. If I choose, now I can go to a movie and not feel awkward. I can take off on a vacation by myself and have fun doing it. I can got out to dinner and sit by myself and enjoy a good meal. People still look but if your confident, what you think is someone staring at you only becomes a quick glance.
When I think I can't do something without my W; I learn how to do it on my own. She's around b/c she's been watching me. What she doesn't see is someone complaining or crying about there stich. What she does see is someone who wants her in his life but doesn't need her to be in it. When this happens doors will open up. H will respect you more and want to be around you more.
