feel like giving up - pt 2

[Gardener]

Trent,

This is by far THE BEST book I've read this year.

I am inclined to agree; I think this should almost be required reading for the LBS.

I also found two of Susan Anderson's observations very interesting: 1) when she said that abandoned spouses (husbands, mainly) exhibit almost all the classic symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and, 2) to a man, they (we) are completely incapable of giving a short just-the-basic-facts version. They (we) are almost compelled to tell the entire sitch, blow-by-blow almost as a way to continually validate to themselves that something very inexplicable and very traumatic did indeed happen to them (us). When I read this, I felt like it wasn't just me and my almost-victim-stance big mouth! I mentioned this to Serenity the other night and in her own words, Serenity felt the same sense of relief in hearing of this.

[TrentC]

I'm only about halfway through it, but I was looking for an online example of the separation therapy technique they referred to when I came across that blog post.

[luvless]

Good morning guys...

Thank you for that T & G. I had a very bad day yesterday. I just broke down in the morning and couldn't get myself together. The flood came unexpectedly. I was better towards the evening but I felt physically beat up.

H came home at 9:00 last night which is early for him (lately) and like everything was fine. We all seemed to not even notice he was here so he started talking to everyone. He says to me as he walks in the kitchen "you didn't eat the grapefruit I cut up this morning?" (it was left on the counter) but seriously why on earth would he care about that? I guess it was his way of initiating a conversation because he felt awkward coming in so late the night before.

He sat down on the couch where we were watching tv and was trying to talk to my D and me. I ignored him and did not look his way. He kept being talkative. When it was time to go to bed D and I left the room with no words.

This morning I prayed before I got out of bed because I don't want to have a day like yesterday. It's too beautiful outside to be upset today.

Keep talking to me.

Luv

[luvless]

H came in at 8pm tonight after a game of golf at the country club he only wished he belonged to. He has always looked up to the rich men around him. It's kind of pathetic.

He is now packing for his trip. I can hear him whistling in my bedroom. It is infuriating. When he came home he asked if I had picked up his dry cleaning. I said, "I had no idea I was supposed to pick up anything." He says, "you know I can't get it during the week..I have no time." I reply, "you have 6-7 hours after work all the time to do whatever so you must have time." Oh...and by the way isn't picking up dry cleaning something a WIFE would do? oh wait...he has no ring on so he has no wife.

It's just been too hard to detach with him here in the house. Thank God he is leaving so I can have some peace. I can't stand to look at him.

LuvLESS

[luvless]

journaling...

I had a terrible nights sleep. H pulled me into his nasty web last night. He told me my best friend said I didn't care about him. I'm sure that's not how she implied it at all. He was mumbling how it's been that way for 12 years (we've lived in this home for 12 yrs) and started talking about what he's bought me blah blah. He keeps harping on what he's provided me (material things) which is so weird to me. I guess his way of showing love is giving me things. I don't see love that way!

I say something about how family is supposed to be a priority and he says, "you're not my family." I know it's supposed to be spew but I don't see it that way. I see a person who truly hates and means every word. He text me "I don't like alot of things..you've shown me that." I replied, "I loved you very much - goodbye mr luv"
This is the last response he will get from me. The next one is in legal form.

I don't know why I let him get to me. F*ck this it's time to get mad because being sad isn't working for me anymore!!!

Luv

[alice444]

(((Luv)))

I agree, maybe it's time to get mad instead of feeling at his mercy. Not out of control anger, but anger that empowers and galvanizes you to act to take care of yourself and your kids.

I think he's playing the victim (with your friend, e.g.) and also hates himself in a way- that comes through but gets projected onto you as hate of you. Their re-writing of history is just incredible sometimes, as well as the global statements that they make like "you're not my family". Somehow they know the most hurtful things to say to us, don't they? Mine hit me with some choice words the other night-- hit straight to my heart and he knew it. You will always be his family- he made sure of that by being with you all these years and getting you pregnant several times.

I know it's probably not kosher here to some, but I agree you should file on him and protect your assets now, then proceed with locking him out of your and your kids' house- at least until he shows he can be better behaved. Just my 2 cents-- take care of yourself--

[Onthemountaintop]

Your kids love you both. Getting mad will hurt them because they will do what you both do.

Emotional abuse is abuse, regardless of the reason and I've been on that slope enough to know it hurts from both directions.

Hurt can pass. The damage of acting on anger will affect and effect your kids forever. Use your best self-control and you'll make great decisions, Luvless.

[luvless]

(((alice))) yeah the words hurt bad...

OT - I'm not raging around my home talking sh*t about my soon to be X husband. It's not like that. When I say I need to get angry it's for motivation. I am not doing well just being sad. It's only doing me harm so it's time to stop.

I have tried not to get my kids in the middle. Their dad has done that by not coming home or coming home so late. They are concerned and then I have to deal with it which brings them inbetween.

I will never be irrational. I'm not that kind of person. This sadness has taken it's toll on me but I still have my head on straight.

Thank you guys for the input.

[idontunderstand]

Righteous indignation is the way to be. My W accused me of asking my twins if they noticed how much she talked to the super and how much she was at school. I said of course not, I would never bring them into this. Why do you ask? She said one of the twins asked why the super, using his first name as she always does, not Mr. So and so, called her on her cell phone at home and in the car all the time and how come she sat with him at school functions and things like that. I told her it was her fault that he noticed those things and to never blame me for our kids questions about super in the future. I was so mad I couldn’t think straight. I left home and went for a drive.

Later I told her that if our kids had noticed, you can be sure other people have too. Of course, she denied everything and continues to to this day.

We have all made mistakes, but at this point, the WAS knows what they are doing is wrong and we have every right to be mad. Just use it in a constructive way, not for revenge, but for strength and confidence.

((LUV))

[alice444]

When I say I need to get angry it's for motivation. I am not doing well just being sad. It's only doing me harm so it's time to stop.

Here here [that is me applauding]. I think that healthy, self-protective anger at a situation that is used to prompt action for change is a positive thing.

I have tried not to get my kids in the middle. Their dad has done that by not coming home or coming home so late. They are concerned and then I have to deal with it which brings them inbetween.

This is so unfair. I guess all we can do is our best- your kids are old enough to know who's doing what here and to appreciate all you're doing to protect and take care of them.

I will never be irrational. I'm not that kind of person. This sadness has taken it's toll on me but I still have my head on straight.

It sure sounds like you do. But let's not let it take anymore toll on you- or minimize it. What are your actions you're going to take for the next couple of days to fight the sadness and move yourself forward?

((Luv))