Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

So sorry things are going bad. I am going to say what I think and you can take it or leave it. I think H is running all over you and you are allowing it. It is one thing for him to say he feels distant, but to say he can't count on you is ridiculous. He is the one you can't count on and if he wants to cut you out, maybe it is time to cut him out. Don't respond to texts or anything for a while. Don't D, but go super dark. He doesn't pay child support, sees S sporadically at most, never plans stuff with you until the last minute. You need to start planning a bunch of outings or little things and if H says he wants to do something say he can join you, but you aren't going to change plans for him. If he wants to do stuff with you or S, he needs to plan ahead (yes he deserves to see S, but he needs to give you prior notice or stick to a schedule).

Second, I think there is OW. I hate to say it and I am sure it is going to hurt, but the way he is talking is like there is someone else in the picture. Someone else he is comparing you to. I am not saying there is definitely one, but his "boundaries" at his new place, feeling distant, now going off on how you aren't there for him. I would day there is OW and it is probably one that has already been around. Someone is feeding him stuff or he is twisting his therapists words, but I would almost put money on OW.

Don't go searching to see because it will hurt you more. Now it is time for you to decide with his current actions what do you want to do? What is best for Lucky and S? Maybe it is time to talk to a L and see what would happen in a D with S. Since H hasn't ever spent consistent time with him his whole life, you may be surprised H isn't entitled to as much. It just may be time to look into the other side. Not that you are going to do it, but so you are aware of your options and ready in case H goes there. Sit down and really think about what is best for you and the progress that has been made. He has made quite a bit of progress, but what boundaries have you set. It is not ok for him to talk to you that way.

Sorry this weekend stunk.

[Lucky11too]

Awest - I definitely appreciate your input. Thank you. I agree about going dark and that shouldn't be an issue finally b/c I think my anger is finally getting to a point where enough is enough. I will answer questions regarding S (I don't ever want to put S in the middle of our issues), but I definitely don't see any reason to contact H and really, I deserve an apology from him first for those very hurtful and untrue comments. I still can't believe he had the nerve to say that he can't count on me after everything I've done and continue to do for him. Just boils my blood. Despite everything he has put me thru, I'm the only one who has been there for him! Arrg. It's all just so ridiculous that it's almost funny in an ironic sort of way.

I really don't believe there is an OW, but I could just be naive. Unless OW happened this weekend, I have reason to believe I was the only woman in his life for now. I think it is part of his depression cycle(we were way past due for a meltdown!), but that still doesn't give him the excuse to talk to me like that. If that's the case, he needs to get this under more control, so we don't have these breakdowns. It's frustrating that he keeps waiting on this surgery as the magic lifesaver, but what if it doesn't work? Or what if it works for the sleep apnea but not the rest of the mental issues. What then? Unfortunatley, I don't think H plans that far ahead.

I think I have most of my answers from when I talked to the L the first time (she had said the same thing about me getting more than I thought in child support and how H was crazy for thinking he would get 50/50 custody), so I think my next step would to be to just go thru with it, but I'm obviously not there yet. For me, I told myself that I would give H until his year end deadline as long as some progress was continuing to be made. If this is a small setback, then fine, but there has to be some learning and growing from this b/c I will not live my life like this for the next 8 months. If anything, I hope it will give me the strength to set the boudaries I need to make, since I was obviously too scared to ruin something that was going good before, that I didn't make those boundaries. I feel like now if he tries to come back, I can say yes, but we need to come to an understanding on a few things - most importantly, opening up all aspects of his life to me and not having these secrets. What other boundaries would you suggest?

Obviously of course what is best for me and S, particularly S, is to have one unified family. It breaks my heart to think about S having to be thrown back and forth between the two of us, missing family holidays, and being away from his mom to a dad he hardly knows. It's just not going to be a good situation. But I can't force H to be that husband or father that he needs to be. He always says how much he loves S, then why can't he make this sacrifice (if being home with your wife and child is called a sacrifice) to do what's best for him? Just so frustrating. What a lemon of an H!

[awest1217]

I completely hear you. I think you also should say something about how he talks to you. It is ok for him to feel abandoned or feel that you aren't there, but it is much different to say he feels you are not there and for him to say you aren't there. One is stated more as an opinion which can be swayed easily based on events where the second is more a fact and has proof behind it. He needs to learn how to communicate his feelings without being rude and you need to make sure you are comfortable to tell him that he is being rude. You can validate by saying you understand that he feels he missed out on a chance, but he should word it better. Also you need to set a boundary with when and how he comes over. If you are ok with a few hours notice then stick to that. Make sure he knows you have to be contacted a few hours (make sure you have a specific time) or a full day before to make plans so you can be sure what happened Sunday doesn't happen again.

Just a few things. I completely understand where you are coming from so just hang in there. He is making progress and things are slowly getting better, but now is the time to set the boundaries so you don't get sucked into a bad R again.

[Lucky11too]

Those are some good things to think about.

So weird evening last night, H texts me to ask if I had plans this weekend and if we could get together to talk. Talking is good b/c he never wants to talk about R issues, but I don't know what it's in regards to or if it's good or bad(D, moving forward, etc). I respond that that sounded good and asked what day he wanted to meet, in which I suggested Friday. This is where it gets weird - he replies back that he doesn't know yet b/c he might be going to Hawaii for 2 days. WHAT?! I don't know if he was just pulling my leg or what b/c it doesn't make sense to ask me to meet with him but then not even know if he's going to be around or not. Second, if he is going, what in the world is he going to Hawaii for? Third, who is he going with? And forth, if he has all this extra money to go on vacations, then he needs to be paying me child support! Like I said, I think he might have just been pulling my leg, but if it is true, those are defintiely questions to ask! But I wasn't going to let him get to me (or at least not let him know that), so I just said back, "oh, when are we leaving?". I didn't hear back from him, but later on he texted to ask how S was doing, so I have him a short answer on that, and that was it. Weird evening though. I was actually surprised H texted and "gave in" so easily. If seems like often, he won't contact me first just out of principle of the matter. So I don't know...I guess we'll see what this weekend holds. If we do meet, I just hope I'm strong enough to say my piece and set the boundaries. It's one thing to say, but it's another thing to do. Must be strong!

[awest1217]

If he isn't pulling your leg...I smell OW. I know you say that isn't possible, but maybe she is paying for him to meet her there? Either way you need to write out what you would like to say to H. Boundaries you want to set and specific topics you want to make sure you talk about, and possibly check them off as you talk. Be prepared for the worst...this really is giving me a bad feeling, but I could be wrong.

Hang in there and remember you have done everything possible. Don't beg if he says D. Don't even plead your case because that will push him away more.

I am hoping for the best and will definitely keep you in my prayers.

[Lucky11too]

So another interesting night. H text me about a few things yesterday - his car broke down, etc. Then when I go to pick up S, he texts me to wait there until he gets there if I get there before he does. (so much for waiting until this weekend. I wasn't sure I was really prepared to see him yet) So I end up getting there about 5 mins before he arrives. I'm trying to figure out what's up with him b/c it seems kind of bizarre that he wants to see me after all the drama we've been thru this past week. When he gets there, he's all happy to see me. When S runs away to go play with his cousin, we just sit there talking for a minute. He looks at me and tells me how he likes me but he doesn't like me. Wow, way to win a woman's heart. Then he tries to flirt with me and even makeout with me like everything is perfect. I was so not having it and was pretty cold. He was shocked that I wouldn't kiss him. He then said some other things about how I don't call or text him anymore, and me, just having to throw it out there b/c he's acting so naive about the whole situation, "well, that's b/c you can't count on me". That pissed off H, and then he's just like, "I'm done with this, I'm leaving." I didn't want to piss him off b/c I did appreciate that he was trying to make the effort, but on the other hand, we have issues that just can't be ignored. So, I don't know if I handled it right or not, but H needs to learn that he can't say mean things to me and then just go on like they never happened. That was hurtful and I have a right to be mad. He just doesn't get it though. I'm thinking of texting to tell him again why I am hurt and let him know that if that is the way he truely feels, then there's no point in disscussing us anymore, otherwise we need to take the time and talk about these issues. Thoughts?

Oh, and before the final blowup, I mentioned that I didn't want any secrets anymore and I wanted to be able to go to his place and his answer was "I was thinking about that. Soon". If we can get pass the above, I look forward to more openess.

[awest1217]

Well, it sounds like things are more on the up and up instead of going down. However what does he mean by I like you, but I don't like you? Did he elaborate on that more or is it like the I love you but I am not in love with you line?

I think you do need to talk and really let him start by asking what he would like to see in this R and what steps (being solution oriented) can be taken to get there. Then it can be your turn or maybe a lot of his stuff will coincide with yours. The biggest thing is he is mad that you don't text him much, but he isn't texting you. Everything is a two way street so he needs to accept his end of the problem as well. Don't blame him or accuse him, but say actions you would like to see happen as well. If he says you should text him more, then you can say I will, but can you make sure that you always respond to my texts because I text you and never get a response.

Just think about what you want to say and the boundaries you want to set. I don't think it is ok to say one minute I don't like you and then try to make out.

[Lucky11too]

Basically, I take it as "I like you and your company, but I'm still mad about last weekend, but I rather makeout with you then be mad". He just doesn't get it b/c it's like he thinks he's the only one who can get mad, so when he's over it, I should be over it. I don't think he thinks what he said was a big deal, but to me, after all I've put into this R, it's a huge deal. If he truly (for the sake of argument) can't count on me, then there's nothing left for us b/c there's no foundation to us. I think it's funny that he's like S that when he gets mad, he throws a tantrum ("I'm leaving!"), but S is 1.5 and H is 28! Grow up! haha. So I think I'll send H a text about this and see if he still wants to meet tomorrow, and we'll see where it goes... (of course he'll probably throw another tantrum for me still being mad, but, oh well, this must be said...)

[Lucky11too]

Another interest day...this guy is just all over the place! H texted me yesterday at two different times. First to say that he was going to Target and wanted to know if S or I needed anything (that was very thoughful of him to offer!). Later on he was out with his friends for one of their b-days and he texted me to say how digusted he was that one of his friends g/f's was whispering in his best friends ear and making googoo eyes. It's funny how he brought up this same topic last week when he was saying how horrible it is at work that he often sees two married people on work trips come in and start discussing who's hotel room is closer (what cheaters, grr!). Interesting, so what, H has some values again? I'm not sure what his point is in mentioning this stuff to me other than maybe his indirect way of saying he doesn't agree with cheating? (but I guess an EA doesn't count, huh? Grr)

This morning gets even more interesting. An hour ago I get a text from H that says:
H - "I miss you so much. I just want you to show that you want me. I'm not feeling anything from you these days." (Whoa! I was not expecting this!)
Me - "I miss you too. It's been really hard b/c I just don't know where you're at w/ us or how u feel about me, so I feel like I can't show my feelings about u"
H - "I need u to. When u don't, it really pushes me away and makes me feel very dark" (Of course it's always about him! But interesting, he better really internalize this on how much he needs me in his life!)
Me - "I can do that but I need to know that u want and need me too. I'm fighting and fighting for our marriage but at some point I need u to jump on w/ me. I love & care for u, H. I just really need u to open up w/ your feelings for me"

We texted back and forth a little more and decided we were going to meet up at my place tonight to talk (his repsonse was that he wants me to come to his place but b/c he needs to get his hair cut down here anyways, we'll just meet up at my place. I'm gonna hold him to that tho). So wow, a lot to take in right now. I hope he's serious about us and not just having a temporary state of loneliness. Lots to think about!

[awest1217]

I am very excited for you! H is really coming around. He now is asking you to show your love so that is important and you can now do that. It is also important that he realizes that you need him to do the same thing.

I am so very happy! Nothing major, but these seem to be some big steps so although you should still be cautious...good progress.