I have decided that if I get new evidence of an ongoing A, the consequence has to be that she needs to make new living arrangements. However, since has not been overtly crossing any of my boundaries since the last confrontation, I feel like I could be in limbo for quite a while unless I happen to come across new evidence.
Of course, her admission back in March that she was not willing to cut off contact with OM and not able to work on the M could be enough for me to just say that this is not working for me. My therapist tells me I need to start pulling out of this R emotionally and in some ways, I am already starting to do this. My DB Coach is telling me that I need to be fun and flirtatious with her and never, ever mention the A.
Well, I'll start with the easy part of this: I COMPLETELY disagree with your DB coach. Does this coach know that your wife's infidelity, secrecy, etc. is continuing when they recommended this? This is shocking to me.
Now, the rest is a little trickier, but I do think you can use that earlier March statement from your wife -- and her current behavior -- to make your stand.
"Wife, I've been doing some thinking, and I've decided that this just isn't working for me. You stated at the MC back in March that you weren't willing to give up your affair, and it's obvious by your behavior since then that you're not either. I have too much value in myself to put up with that kind of disrespect. I think you need to find another place to live, and we need to start separating our finances. I need to move on; you were right, this isn't working between us."
If she tries to deny the affair (and she will), and put this back on you (she will), just put up your hand (as in "stop") and say "We both know you're lying to me right now, but that really doesn't even matter anymore. You were right -- we're just not right for each other, and it's obvious neither one of us are happy." But HOLD FIRM on the who-moves-out thing, with "Since I'm not the one that invited a third person into the marriage, I won't be going anywhere. It would be best if you found someplace else to live by the end of the month."
You're basically taking a "I can be left with no other reasonable conclusion than you're continuing to have an affair, and I have decided that I'm no longer willing to live in an open marriage" position. Make HER "prove the negative" (prove no-contact, via full transparency -- she'll never do it), and when she refuses to, you have your answer.
It's the Last of the Last Resort Technique, but you sound basically "done" anyway, and consider that -- while this isn't guaranteed to work -- what you're doing NOW isn't working, and I do think this has the best chance of success.
