embracing change

[avermont]

No, I haven't tried it, but next time I am drunk and weepy at midnight (let's see, that's about 12 hours from now) I might.

I think you just call and if there is someone there, you've got them.

As for skill--I don't know, but really--it comes down to someone asking the questions and making you answer them. Not allowing the "buts". I think they would be skillful enough to be at least helpful, and not hurtful.

Good for you to dig into your past and see what is resonating now in your life. Painful, but I guess it is necessary. I'm glad your mom is able to open up about it.

[idontunderstand]

((FM))

I don't know if I ever told this story, but around Dec. of last year, I had a dream that we were at her Grandma's house who has a lot of animals for the kids to play with. Besides dogs and cats, tame goats, rabbits, and a couple of coons that will eat right out of your hand. The kids were all haveing fun and we were sitting on a blanket watching them and saying how lucky we were to be blessed with such a great family. We cuddled and kissed and things were normal.

I was sleeping on the couch, and when I woke up, I was filled with peace and joy. It's like I was walking on air. I remember thinking to myself, why am I on the couch, I need to go to bed and snuggle with my wife. I got up, checked on the kids to make sure they were all covered up and walked towards our bedroom, all with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. It wasn't until I was almost to the room that reality started to come back. I hadn't realized until that moment, how much I had been hurting inside. What took months or maybe a year or so to build up in me came crashing down on me in a matter of seconds. From happy, almost elated, really, to the depths of my despair in that short amount of time, brought me to my knees. I walked back to the couch and cried and shook for what felt like hours. I think I cried myself to sleep.

Our dreams are, of course, what we remember as good times and what we want back so badly.

Sorry for the long winded response, but I hadn't thought about that in months. We would give anything to go back to simpler times when a touch meant something and just enjoying our families together was enough to make us happy.

Hang in there, FM, I'm trying to do the same.

[flowmom]

Thanks for your story IDU.

And my heartfelt thanks to everyone who has read and chimed in on my thread. Even if I haven't responded to you directly, I've read and absorbed everything.

[ImprovedRomeo]

((FM)) and ((idontunderstand))

I too have been dreaming the last few nights since the D bomb dropped. Mostly pleasant dreams and then I wake up from them and the reality hits hard. The experience is just like idontunderstand described. I can't go back to sleep, keep waking up every 20-40 mins and sometimes the dreams become worse.

I think back to my dating days trying to find what got me over those relationships so I could get out of this passive mode and start moving on with my life - but I come up empty handed. As they say time's the only medicine.

FM you're intelligent, compassionate, you offer many of us so much good advice and hope. I know you'll be just fine.

[june72]

OK, I am coming in late in the discussion here...
But I really question the IC stating to ask the hubby outright about the relationship...
Seems like the wrong thing to do, IMHO. Not that I am countering an expert.
Just from my experience- any time I had any sort of R talks with hubby we seemed to take a step backwards towards reconciliation. It just was an abysmal failure.

[alice444]

so sad you guys, about the dreams. Seems the only ones I have are bad- H turning his family against me, etc. It's just all so sad for all of us.

FM- I'm glad you got more info from your mom; whether or not you choose to address/delve into it now or leave it for later, it's good to have more info about those early years.

I read somewhere that you were considering CBT. My Tx does that, plus what I guess you'd call traditional talk therapy. I find a mix is good- I'm not sure there are ICs that do only CBT or that you have to choose. You should be able to find someone who appreciates and teaches CBT but also balances it out with other stuff- just listening to you, talking over childhood issues, etc. I don't think you need to limit yourself- they may each have an inclination towards one method, but I think they do some of each most times. It is hard to find someone who meshes with you. I finally found a great person through a personal recommendation and have seen her off and on as needed for years. It is worth the money and time (though that's tough) to find the right person for you.

I also agree with whoever mentioned that this IC could help you with H in terms of outlining and agreeing to what S needs- he would probably receive "guidelines" and "rules" better from her- an "expert" than from you. I do the same thing with my H- if an expert (financial advisor, etc.) can deliver the same message I usually let them b/c it's better received by H than coming from me.

[flowmom]

We had a strangely relaxed few minutes before H took the kids for overnight. He was being his cute father self, letting the kids tackle and wrestle him. I just sat there laughing and enjoying it. I am grateful that my children have a good father. I did one thing right.

Just a moment of awkwardness when S6 asked when I was going to stay overnight at H's place...in front of H. sigh.

[Number 8]

Sounds like a good interaction overall. I'm glad your children have a good father, too.

And the question from your S? Yikes. Leave it to kids, right?

[Gardener]

fm,

Last night I dreamt about H. The only part that I remember was our hands touching accidentally, then our fingers clasping. Such a simple gesture of connection.

Those dreams (or dreamlets as I called them} are finally abating. I would hear her say something, touch me, or something and awaken partially and answer or respond to her. And then as I woke more fully, I would say something like, "that didn't just happen, did it"? or "You didn't say or do that just now, did you?" Or- worse - that's right: you're not here anymore, are you?"

Subconscious connection. Took me a while for those synapses to atrophy and disappear. (sigh).

[flowmom]

Wow Gardener, it really takes a long time for the attachment to fade...