How appropriate that you started this thread, and it came up this am... Here's what I posted this am on my thread. Don't take two years to get to this point, PLEASE...
Originally Posted By: mindfull
Excerpts from a convo gone mixture of G, Rob, Gucci, Puppy, and anyone else kickas$:
MINDFULL - You're right. I am ignoring you. You're right. This isn't working. You were more right than I knew TWO years ago. This is NOT working between us anymore. BackOFF, you've had two years to initiate discussion. I need to be alone. Your clothes are in there because that is YOUR room now. I thought I made it clear I wanted some time alone.
Any bets on the fallout on this?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
We should be saying.. "I don't want to be married to you and won't be your spouse" if you are choosing someone else, WAY before "I won't be your friend."
And yet people will allow the wayward to live with them while having an affair, will keep trying to save the relationship while an affair is going on, and yet we are discussing "not being their friend" as some big strong move??.. (while we try to win them back as a spouse???)
I think what you're missing is the DEADLINE. Yes, I told my wife that I didn't want a divorce, and that I was fighting for my marriage, but I also:
- confronted her on her affair - exposed her affair to others - took a very hard financial (cut off all funds that were enabling her affair) and legal (filed for D) stance - laid out -- and enforced -- firm boundaries - told her she'd better hurry up and decide, because my patience was rapidly wearing out
I don't see anything inconsistent with that, and the "Don't Expect Me to Be Your Friend" (Lobo, baby!) statement, strongly delivered. One is basically saying "I'm NOT okay with what you're doing right now, and I WON'T be your friend after we divorce if you choose to end our marriage this way."
Where's the inconsistency in that?
Puppy
P.S. The betrayed spouse shouldn't give the deadline a DATE, because the cheating spouse will then just take that as tacit approval for their affair up until "Dday-minus-1 day," whereupon they will beg and plead and cry and offer the moon and the stars not to be dumped. It's like giving terrorists in Iraq a deadline for troop withdrawal -- they'll just wait you out. But you DO let them know that you HAVE one, and that your patience (and your love) is rapidly running out, and that they'd better hurry.
I did exactly what Gucci is talking about. I told my wife "fine, you want a divorce, we'll get a divorce. I don't agree with it but I can't stop it. I hope we can remain friends."
She said of course we could remain friends.
Then I didn't talk to her for about 3 weeks.
Now her and I are at least back to the point of chatting again. No R talk. No emotions, just chit chatting and joking around.
And now she wants me to take her to the zoo on her birthday.
I don't really know if thats a good idea... But I'm gonna roll with it.
what is it with the waywards who want everything their way? my WAH wanted to walk away and remain friends. we talk and joke like normal friends. but last night, when i saw him since we parted ways, i just looked right through him and didn't utter a word. he said hi but when i didn't respond, he said it's okay to say hi. i can't deal with that.
i've allowed h to drop the d-bomb for frivolous reasons (to avoid the begging, pleading, and crying) i've allowed h to decide how to take control of the division of assets. (to avoid me trying to control the situation - this is a 180 for me) i've allowed h to do whatever he wanted to do (i was GAL-ing) and now he wants to remain friends like this is all rosy? f*k no. deep down, i am mad as hell.
why is it that waywards think that d is a walk in the park and we will all hold hands at the end of this and sing kumbaya together?
saw an article on the people website today and y'know, WAS think that d is the solution to their unhappiness. well, y'know. reese witherspoon's h says he is still feeling the effects of his d three years later.
Dumped, I love the line lets sing kumbaya together!!... I was eating an apple and well, I spit some of it out!!... too funny!.. Well done. I agree totally
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
I think there are some subtleties here. IMO you can appear needy and weak but it is how you deliver the message (or not deliver) In my case I have decided to move to a new level of detachment by not contacting my W.
I did NOT tell her that I did not want to be her friend or anything like that. It is for ME. Not a strategy. It so I can heal and move on to the next stage and hopefully, eventually acceptance and forgiveness. As I said I was not ready to completely cut off from her. In the beginning it was so there was an avenue to show 180's, GALing and that I was standing for my vows and my M. You can't do that if you say f#ck you I'm not going to talk to you anymore.
You have to cycle out of the anger and get to the point where it is not a strategy but reality.
The convo with my sis reveals (I think) that WAS definitely places value on that connection with LBS. Just as in the beginning we do as LBS's.
My NC is for me and I do not intend on letting our conversations venture into BFF territory. Why? Because I have already allowed that conversation and it does not serve me anymore.
There comes a point in YOUR journey where YOU decide this. Then it is a natural course of behavior and not a tentative or weak(or contrived) one.
It is a process. You figure out what's working and not working for YOU.
Also I think every case is different there are some with spouses in MLC when these tactics can backfire and lead to a longer process. I think DBing says that after a while if what you're doing isn't working then you have to take another look at what you're doing.
But in the end focusing on YOU and YOUR health is the underpinning to all this. Eventually, everything you're doing has to align with that goal and making it reality.
Just wanted to comment on this because it really rang true with me. Yesterday I sent my WAW the following text message:
"I have thought and prayed a lot since hearing about your visitor last week. I have come to the conclusion that you broke the promise you made to me on our anniversary when you chose to sleep with him. I feel that I have put up with a lot of hurtful and disrespectful things from you for the last year and that I deserve better! I have decided that I am moving on! Goodbye!"
Now granted, sending a text message was not the bravest thing to do but in a way it was poetic/ironic since it was her accidentally sending me a text message meant for her first EA that started all of this almost a year ago. I do feel that this isn't a strategy for me. It is something I need because the ongoing pain is too much and I'm not healing. Now I didn't explicitly say that we can not be friends but I'm pretty sure that it is implied/inferred and I am fine with that. Having her second EA turn into a PA before the divorce is final is a huge deal breaker to me and that is where I stand.
I just read a quote from Puppy in another thread and it also applies to me:
"Limbo sucks, and it's no way to live your life."
One of my female friends wrote me almost the exact same thing when I told her about the text message I sent yesterday and I believe it.
I am finally ready to move on with or without my W and I deserve more than I have received this past year and I am going to be GREAT!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
The secret to a happy ending is knowing when to roll the credits.
Former husbands, wives, friends, lovers, sex buddies ... I don't want you as a friend. I need another enemy. not a happy ending.
A veterans advice, make your last conversation as amicable as possible. Say little and Smile. Then go out and enjoy your life to its fullest. Stop thriving on unhappiness and discouragement, arguments and frustration. It is unhealthy and it is keeping you from reaching your fullest potential.
Smile. What are you walking away from? unhappiness, discouragement, anger, frustration Why would your first step in the other direction be a continuation of those emotions? There is an amazing world out there and it's F'ING GREAT TO BE ALIVE.
........
My wife and I were talking about our journey through life this weekend and she remembered the time we were climbing in Denali and made a pact that if one of us would fall into a crevice the other would cut the rope and figure out what to do on their own. She commented on how she never believed I would ever have done that then or anytime during our life. She went on to say, for the past few years where I have seemingly dragged you through hell while trying to find myself, you never gave up living your life the way you wanted to live it, had this happiness when I expected you to be sad or angry, and encouraged me at times to find myself and move on if I wanted. All the while that was what you were doing. I admired you and found you very attractive, she said. I realized I had lost you and that I never really found myself.
She mentioned her friends and how terrible their divorces were. Hatred, drinking, stalking, arguments after arguments still; while you kept saying, sounds great see you next tuesday I got to go, with a smile. And still while I am scared $hitless not knowing what to expect with life now, you have this smile and attitude towards life that is contagious.
.........
Y'all can do what you want with your lives. I can draw analogies about fish and birds, trains of thought, and even holding onto dead weight as it sinks to the bottom of the ocean, but all in all, whether you are walking away, staying where you are, or sitting on Craggy Dome meditating on lives and pains, be happy. Life is short.
When you first started posting to me, it seemed like you were all about snooping and finding out what was really going on. I kind of ignored some of them. Then they got a little deeper and I understood what you were getting at. You have never said it better than the above statement.
