W still wants separation, need to DB more

[OfficerInNeed]

Today's Events:

This morning, as I have in the past month or so, I picked my W from the lot where she parks for work and drove/dropped her off in front of her work place. During the drive I ask the usual "How was your morning?" and "Did you sleep OK?" and she told me. I then brought up the idea of inviting her father out to lunch one day soon. My W did not necessarily pay much attention to why I thought it was a great idea but did agree it is something that we should do.

I dropped my W off and as she exited the vehicle I said "Have a good day" and she said "OK" and I said "bye" and she said nothing.

When my W returned home from work I said "Hi" and she said nothing in return. I had lunch cooking already and I made two seperate plate for the both of us. I sat her plate on the table and she proceeded to eat without hesitation, somewhere in there she softly said "Thank you" and I told her "Your welcome" in a pleasent tone.

I spoke of how nice of a day it is outside and asked if she wanted to do anything today. My W shrugged her shoulders. So I did pursue that any more.

Later wanted to go visited the burial site of her aunt and uncle and I said that is was a great idea. My W was in the process of getting ready and as I was walking out one room she came out another and instantly covered up exposed parts of her body (not the parts you may think). I turned away and said sorry. My W then asked for me to grab something hanging in the closet only it was not there and so she got upset with me briefly because it "should be there" as if I was being dishonest.

During our car ride we had some good conversations and at times she was cold and brief with me. Overall we got along well, NO arguments and no negative talk, we spoke as if we were friends. There was some reflecting on the past which was accepted pretty well.

The day went well. At times W still distant and nowhere near her OLD SELF but there were shades of her old self at times.

I gave a few compliments but nothing over the top. Simply saying what she was wearing looks great, it is a nice color on you... I can't say there was an adverse response but she also did not say "thank you" or smile like she use to in the past.

So in summary:
- Good conversations
- Still not saying "Hi" or "Bye"
- Still uncomfortable around me
- Has short fuse toward me
- Is more open about conversations she has at work (a sign she feels comfortable talking to me about those events)

There was a lot of agreeing with her and validating her feelings toward things. I would show my interest in what she had to say by listening, looking her in the eyes when I could (I was driving), repeat words she used and smile as often as I could.

[OfficerInNeed]

About sleeping in the same bed as my W, she has NOT told me she DID NOT want me to but sometimes it seems like she avoids doing so by sleeping on the couch or other bed. In the past week we have slept in the same bed once. Tonight could have been the second opportunity but I decided to just sleep in the spare room and when she gets off the couch she will have the whole bed to herself.

Our work nights overlap sometimes so there are only 2-3 times a week where are even at home at night to sleep in the same bed as each other. My question is....do I give it a try and see if comes in the bed while I am there or leaves it when I join?

[TrentC]

These sound like good baby steps towards progress.

As for the sleeping in the same bed: what have the arrangements been up til now?

I would say that if the master bedroom is yours or you have been sharing it, keep doing that on the nights you are home together.

Just continue to be polite and nice during your visits. Offer compliments when they seem warranted, say "please" and "thank you", etc. Two weeks is a long time; if you keep it up, I would be surprised if you see no improvement in her demeanor towards you.

[OfficerInNeed]

There are not sleeping arrangements established. We had a few backslides a couple weeks in a row so a few time she would sleep in the spare room to prove a point. I have slept in the spare room to give her space and not make her feel uncomfortable.

Quick Story:
A few weeks back I buy a new bed set for the master bedroom. The old bed set goes into the spare room. Before then there was no spare room. My W tells me "Good now I have my room and you have yours" Then 5 min later she is dressing her pillow with the new bedding for the new bed set. I made a joke "That pillow case is not going to go with the old bedding" she got upset and threw the pillow case at me and walked out the room. She then setup the old bed set in the other room and claimed it as "her room" She slept in there for couple days then moved to the master bedroom on a night I had work. Since then she has slept in the master bedroom. I have only slept n the same bed as her once since then. I have slept in the spare bedroom myself on nights we are both home. I will try tonight....after all it is my bed.

FYI we still live together just in case that was not clear.

[TrentC]

I would stay in the master bedroom, but not make a big deal about it. Let her decide where she wants to sleep without any pressure from you. If she chooses to sleep in the same bed, don't even comment on it.

I would probably stay away from sarcasm or teasing for now; just keep your communication simple, direct, and positive. If she's hostile or testy then she's probably anticipating, or even looking to provoke, a reaction from you.

If you haven't read the article about emotional reactivity, now would be a good time:

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Avoid-Emotional-Reactivity&id=1535847

[OfficerInNeed]

Yeah I learned quick that my W no longer likes my sense of humor as she did in the past.

I read the "5 love languages" and I know my language is verbal. I am assuming my W is the same. We were always intimate couple so touch is not it. She told me when our sitch began she did not want gifts and she also told me that me doing things does not make a difference that she is "very well capable of doing them myself" mostly what lacked in our R was positive verbal communication, there was some but I was always critical and harsh .

So if I can fill her tank verbally without punching holes in the same tank with critical words, hopefully she will start to turn around.

[DaddyLongShanks]

OfficerInNeed,

Was she letting OM and friends do these things for her? Theres alot we do for the other in a relationship that they can do for themself and hopefully vice-versa.

[TrentC]

I read the "5 love languages" and I know my language is verbal. I am assuming my W is the same.

Why do you assume your wife speaks the same LL as you? It seems to me that it would be something useful to find out for sure.

[MrBond]

I think you mean "Words of Affirmation". There is no "verbal" love language.

I agree with the others. You may be surprised that what you think is her love language may not be right. They say that people will treat others with their own love languages. So if your W used to encourage you alot, then "Words of Affirmation" would be correct.

If it is her love language, then you need to start giving her compliments here and there and stop the apologizing for everything you THINK gets her upset.

When you go overboard with the apologies, she'll start seeing you as a "less quality" person so no matter what you compliment her with, she won't hold it in high regard.

[OfficerInNeed]

I made the assumption based on our past. We were always a very intimate couple so the "Physical touch" was always there. We did EVERYTHING together and I mean EVERYTHING (as mentioned in previous post) so "Quality Time" not an issue. My W told me that my "Acts of service" made no difference to her, but that was back when she was more bitter toward me. My W appreciated but told me she did not like "receiving gifts" that she was "not that type of girl" which I always knew.

For me, when I sat down and thought about it, I am a "Words of Affirmation" person. I like hearing how much she loved me and cared for me. This is also a department I lacked in...Even when I would give such words of affirmation I would say something contradicting in the next sentence.

Things have been going OK today so far. My W did lie to me but it was such a little thing I chose not to even bring it up, it really had no significance so why bother. She said I was acting weird today and she has checked my phone more than once today. She also encouraged me to call her father and invite him to a show on Sat. which her father could not make unfortunately.

I had the opportunity to compliment her as well. She has been wanting to get her teeth whitened for years now but I always told her it would be a waste of money because she already had a great smile. Today she went for a consultation. They told her she had white teeth as it is. When she told me what the Dr. had said I then said in response "She is right, you have beautiful smile."

We'll see how the rest of today goes. It is tough not t apologize to her but I will do my best to tone it down. I use to have such a short fuse toward is all...