Saffie, your first line made me question what you were getting at but the second - I understand what you're asking.
Well, there were a lot of ASSumptions. I admit that.
I used past behavior as predictors of future behaviors. That's over and done now. I guess I have to say I learned a lot DBing the first time, I did it like a champ, I really "got" it, but if you go back and find my old posts, you'd see that even then there was trouble. I wish one of the pros had come on and mentioned it and perhaps we wouldn't be here now... but then again, if this is a MLC, maybe we would. Just the fact that people would post "where are you guys?" and I'd come on and say things like, well, we're doing the best we can, love each other but don't spend a lot of time together. We're in crisis mode dealing the the kids coming to live with us so suddenly and trying to get past their abuses in their last house. We basically had JUST gotten back on track after his first A, and ALL AT ONCE - bought a new house, became absent landlords, took on two damaged children, and had to deal with his XW badmouthing us to the kids b/c we had a restraining order on the step dad, court battles, counseling, soccer, boy scouts, dance, field hockey - all at once - it was insane. There was NO time for us, and then things smoothed out over a few years and it became rote and we just never noticed that we had slipped back into the old, bad behaviors. We didn't spend time together, didn't maintain that closeness, I learned to nag when we didn't have intimacy instead of creating it. Etc etc etc.
Pray that I have a chance to do it over b/c this time, there is NO going back. This time I will do everything right, and I'm certain he will to... I know my H enough to know now what it is he's been missing.
MIL and I spoke about the "traits" he sees in OW being the same he saw in me. I was his "soul mate" - it was easy to talk to me, I was smart, fun to be with, easy to be with, a companion, beautiful, etc. He says the same about her. That's what he's looking for, what he's missing. It was my fault as much as his - we let the love become a non priority.
So, yes, I knew that he had behaved badly in the past when bowling, so I didn't do it again. I held a grudge. It was bad, I'm sorry for it, and I will not do that again. Once I found out that on karate nights, the girlfriends got together and went out. They had invited me but for whatever reason, H didn't pass it along. He says he didn't remember, but I held a grudge, and never would go into the house while they were doing karate again. I behaved badly because I was hurt - instead of asking him to make me feel better, to explain how I felt and wait for him to say sorry, I punished him. I didn't do it often, it was really just those two instances, but it hurt him just the same.
