I defintely see myself going through these multiple times. Heartsblessing writes that when you are on the receiving end of errant behavior (LBS) it is one of two scenarios. Either the WAS knows what the're doing is wrong -then you can look to the DB101 for confronting, hard line stance on things. Or two they don't know or are confused or depressed when the errant behavior occurs (and re-occurs) -then your probably more in the MLC camp.
Not sure where this will lead you only that it has been helpful to me to read these vets. Neither of these threads is very long and are packed with good stuff.
Hope your feeling more peaceful tonight...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks Grit This has been a rough rough day. My H continued with threatening emails all day. Followed by contradicting emails saying that he wants to make things easy. He threatened to stay at the house until the D was final and then saying lets be rational..and talk things thru on Saturday.
My MIL called me this afternoon and asked if we could get together for dinner. I love my in laws so much. She came over for pizza and we talked for a couple of hours. She wants me to leave her son. She wants better for me. She says she is so worried about me and wants me to be happy..and she won't be happy until I am happy. It breaks my heart to break these ties with them.
My friend came over a little bit later. We had some wine and talked about what happened during the day. Around 9 o'clock...my H started calling...and calling. I didn't answer the phone. I had enough of his sh*t during the day. About 15 minutes later he shows up at the house. He is seething with anger..says he wants to talk. I told him that I had company and I would talk to him later. He proceeded to go around the house looking for things to take. I asked him to leave...I then told him to leave. He didn't care what I had to say. My friend's H is a police officer..she was texting him throughout this whole ordeal. He told her to call the cops..she was not comfortable with my H. I told her that I didn't want to.
He finally left...he made a fool out of himself. He called 2x afterwards trying to make up for his behavior. It is all so draining.
My SIL called me after my friend left. She told me to leave her brother. She just got off the phone with him..he was being nasty and irrational. We cried together. We just don't know who he is. She advised me to get an attorney and take him for all he is worth and never speak to him again. I am so fortunate that I have such supportive in laws. We are all so heartbroken over this.
I think tomorrow is the day that I break all ties with my H. This R is not healthy. Apparently I have lost too much weight and I have everyone concerned. The emotional abuse is just too much to take. I am debating whether to call the attorney and just file...or just sit here and not do anything.
I am just so hurt and confused. My H cannot even make the D easy on me!!!!! Grit- I don't act like a victim..I don't want to be a victim...but everyone else feels like I am the victim and wants me to get out... Including his own family. I am starting to feel like a victim. What do I do? D is painful..but so is having him in my life. This sucks.
Grit- to respond to your comment about my H not being ready. You are absolutely right. Everyone was absolutely right. He was saying he was ready..but not acting ready..and then acting like he was ready...It was all so confusing.
When I spoke to the MC today to cancel our appointment for tomorrow night..she was very upset and shocked. She thought MC was going very well. She had no idea what happened. I am seeing her solo tomorrow night. My H had her fooled as well. He is all over the place but he pretended to be so together while at counseling. His Jekyl and Hyde skit that he pulls. He was charming in front of the counselor.
He seemed to really buy into the counseling thing and to the counselor. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. He told his sister yesterday that he was depressed but had every reason to be depressed..if he stayed in his M..he had to deal with facing friends and family and all the hurt he has caused...and the other option is D...neither one being a good scenario. Facing the hurt he has caused is way too much for him. D is the easy route for him..I am almost in agreement after such a rough day.
Your H is sick. He doesn't know what makes him unhappy. He doesn't realize it is inside him. You are the best and nearest target and he has been blaming you for a long time. His outburst is due to the turmoil inside him. He is throwing tantrums because his emtional development is at the stage of a child.
He has learned and has become very good at hiding this from people.
His mother is not even in his camp. That is a very lonely place to be don't you think?
Objectively I have witnessed a cycle of control, manipulation and emotionally abusive behavior with your H. You need to detach completely. THAT's HOW YOU STOP THIS.
You also have legal rights. He can't move back in the house(I don't think) since he has another residence. Check with your L. You can call the cops and I suggest next he does that you do it. What would have happened if your friend wasn't there?
Your M is still in trauma. I would not make any decisions right now about filing etc. Just tell him not to contact you, and you don't contact him until you have completely detached from this R. It is not healthy and it is cycling on the merry-go-round.
You need to take control of this sitch for your own well-being.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
No kidding Grit. Yesterday was awful. Just emotionally draining- ALL DAY LONG.
I am not sure what would of happened if my friend wasn't here. He probably would have yelled more. Carried on for longer I suppose. He thought I was going to ruin his stuff..I told him that I would spend this weekend boxing up his stuff for him so that he could pick it up next week. He just seemed so out of his mind.
I know he is in a lonely place and it breaks my heart. His family has tried to reach out to him and provide guidance and support. My MIL always told him that she would support his decision for D (even though she hates that is the route we are taking)...but he just continues to treat everyone with such hostility.
I don't think my H was serious about moving back here..I think he was just threatening me with that. I have to do something here. I don't think there is a chance of reconciliation here..and I definitely do not want one with his behavior. I am being urged to contact my L and just file...by friends and family. Enough is enough I think. I know that contacting a lawyer is going to make him angry and he is going to make things more difficult for me. But I cannot go thru another day like yesterday..and I have a feeling that this is going to be the norm going forward.
Grit- I don't think he is coming back. He has lost his mind...and before I lose mine..I need to start the moving on process. I am going to talk to the mortgage guy today to see what I need to do for my refinance. All of this is so scary. I have such a heaviness in my chest. He looked at me with such anger last night...that angry look that he has shown way too many times in the past year. He doesn't even realize how he is acting. I am torn between wanting to punch him in his face..and holding him in my arms.
My MIL says she keeps envisioning her son like a homeless, schizophrenic (sp) picking thru garbage. That is how crazy his behavior is.
Today is going to be a no H day. I am not going to answer emails or phone calls..and hopefully he will not show up here again. I am having the locks changed so that he just cannot come in. I went NC from Saturday until Tuesday..until the D talk.
Is D worse than death? This whole process keeps getting harder and harder.
It is not worse than death. But it is like death. You go through the same stages. Read lostforwords thread I gave you earlier.
I think you need to go completely dark for now and don't backslide. We are talking about YOUR health here.
Remember this: THERE ARE NO VICTIMS ONLY VOLUNTEERS
You are in control here. You can't run away from this pain believe me so take your time going through and stay in IC or start IC.
Stay here and start a new thread under D if you want. There is so much wisdom here if you listen. You WILL listen eventually. When you've have enough pain...
...Oh but don't we have a unbelievable capacity to tolerate pain.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I am sorry. you are right - it was wrong of me to try to use the house as leverage. at the end of the day I was wrong from the start and hurt you unnecessarily. I am sorry all of this has happened and for the pain I have caused you.
I will not stand in the way of you keeping the house regardless of how you file. you can monitor the account - I will not touch it. I will respect your desire for privacy - even in our home - and not show up unannounced. and I will work to get this over with quickly so you can move on like you asked.
I would still change locks and get his name off the account or open a new one (whatever this refers to) His behavior is inconsistent and at the whim of his anger.
Protect yourself.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Going to do all of the above. Inconsistent is a huge understatement. I haven't and don't intend to reply to his email.
I have IC tonight...
Still haven't heard back from the attorney.
Just finished two big presentations that I have been stressing about..and I am going to try to enjoy the rest of my day and try very hard not to think about all of this stuff.
