The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Wrapping up the day. I picked D11 and her friend up from school because they had a field trip. We drove D11's friend home and stayed for 10 minutes because D7 is friends with the girl's little sister.

I got them back in time for the after school sitter and then headed to work where I accomplished ... nothing.

I basically sat in an office pouring my soul out to my boss. She got divorced years ago so she's been a help. If they really wanted to, they have grounds to fire me. I've been next to useless, and I'm pulling in a good salary for a newspaper person.

Made it home. D11 needed my computer to do her homework. D7 wanted to go walk in the mud in the creek.

After cleaning D7 off, STBXW dropped by to give D7 a couple of books to read and to give me some of the tax money. She said she had to rush to the bank to put money in so something is happening with her finances.

I smiled. The place was a mess, but I didn't have my usual scowl when I see her. So on a grade of 1-10 the visit was a 7.

It took me a while, but I got the girls to sleep. I used to tell them bedtime stories, but I haven't been able to think up new ones since moving out. It's as if my playful side is dead. Instead, we do family prayers. They each make prayer requests. D7 wanted me to pray no one in our family ever has surgery, shots or we never have to put the family dog down -- she was watching Marley & Me. D11 wanted me to pray that she does well in her audition tomorrow.

So I threw those in and I also asked God to watch all of our family, the ones here and at other places, and to give daddy patience and to help him to remember it's always better to listen than to talk.

I've been a mess all day. I just so don't want a divorce. I've been doing my best to put on a brave front, but the truth of the matter is no matter how mis-matched STBXW and I are, I feel the same about her today as I did when I first saw her at 18.

I'm starting to stare the end of the M in the face and I still ClingToHope.

God, I pray I wake up with more strength tomorrow.

[antlers]

God, I pray I wake up with more strength tomorrow.

I hope you do too bro'!


I still care too, so I can relate to what you said about that. It's not healthy though, for us to still cling to someone who doesn't want to be there. We gotta respect ourselves enough to let go of people who don't value us.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm considering doing something stupid and I want you guys to talk me out of it.

I have one mediation session left and really there's not much left to decide since we're having a D settlement conference in two weeks.

Yesterday went so well that I want to take a chance next week. If we're not discussing anything really heavy I want to say something like,

"Last week you said we're always going to broke. We don't have to be. We could do the settlement conference, get everything ready to go and then hold off and finish the counseling we started last February. STBXW, I've learned so much on how I pushed us to this point, if there's no one else in your life, can't we finish exploring if there's anyway to salvage this M?"

I've always wanted to make one more try, open myself up. I know the likelihood is that I'll get rejected and that will knock me back quite a bit, but shouldn't I at least try?

Between now and the end of the D, next Wednesday and the settlement conference are the only times we'll really be together.

The second alternative is to make a pitch at the settlement conference after she sees what it's going to cost. I could add in a line about how I don't want her money, I just want to be a family again.

Third alternative is to just keep my mouth shut and get the best deal possible.

[whatisis]

Clinging, I think the fact that you open your post with "I'm thinking of doing something stupid" probably answers your question. But, if you believe that taking that last shot will help you let go then what is the harm? Now, if a rejection will be devastating and impede your ability to make good decisions regarding the terms you are negotiating then don't do it. You're the man, you've gotta live with your choices here, none of us have to live what we advise you to do. Also, it is important to realize that a piece of paper does not "end" anything. You can still DB while separated, divorced or any other situation. You have kids together and therefore will normally be in contact. You can still work at developing a new more healthy R. I know my R with my STBX is a lot heathier now that we're apart but I'm not looking to reconcile. Only you will know when it's time to pack it in and move on to finding other other R's. So, those are my thoughts on the subject for this fine sunny spring morning.

[ImprovedRomeo]

((CTH)) hugs bro! - are guys allowed to hug here? I hug my older bro!

First off, you're such an awesome dad, your kids are so lucky to have you in their lives. I know it's not easy with one kid and you've got two to take care of. You give me a lot of hope!

As for reading the stories, I read stories to my DD every night (she picks 2 books). Find a used book store or library and get a bunch of story books. Since you have an older girl too who can read you can maybe let her read one story to all of you before the prayers. There's a good book titled Chicken soup for the soul or something like that. Look it up on Amazon.

Time will heal everything so look forward to it, know that by Aug you'll be a lot better than you are today and by Dec even better and by next Dec who knows? you could be in a position to take your XW back at that point or move on.

I agree with what whatisis said. Don't hurt yourself anymore than needed. If you think the answer will be a no, don't do it. You've told her that you're willing to try again many times. It's up to her to believe it and try again. By saying it one more time won't change her mind - unless you've seen improvements in her behavior towards you or hints that she enjoys spending time with you etc. D is a piece of paper, sure it costs money and the guys are usually worse off financially even when we don't want it but still it doesn't mean the life stops. In fact, the very next day after the D you'll wake up somewhat relieved and she'll wake up feeling guilty.

Take care my friend and I'll keep checking in on you.

[ClingingToHope]

As soon as I typed it this morning I thought it sounded weak. She knows I want to reconcile. I'm not kidding myself, if she gives me any indication that I may be successful I'll probably leap in. But I won't try to steer the conversation.

Even in the good mediation session where I mostly listened I made it clear that I'd like to work on the M. The mediator was asking about holidays and STBXW said the only one she really cares about is Christmas and she'd like to be able to do that together as a family.

The mediator asked me what I thought.

"That's tough for me to commit to because I don't know where I'll be in six months. Part of me feels like she wants to be a family when it's convenient to her. But who knows, in three months the right Mrs. CTH may walk through the door and my feelings could change. It's hard right now because I feel like the right Mrs. CTH is sitting on this couch."

I filed our taxes today. We didn't have the money we owed so we'll have to pay it off in three more installments. I paid $400 today with just $125 coming from STBXW.

I honestly don't know how she's going to get through the summer. We have several summer camps to pay for. The house is very hard to keep cool in the summer so the air-conditioning bill quadruples. And she was waiting yesterday to hear if a loan went through. It couldn't be a refinance because I'd have to sign off on that.

Me? I'll be fine. I may work myself to death this summer. But if I stay on budget and restrict myself to one big fun thing a week for my three weeks off with the girls I'll come out OK. I have to be. If the D goes through and she hasn't been hiding some sugar daddy then the girls' standard of living is going to go down significantly.

Even another reason I was sad yesterday. I kept thinking of something D11 said on Tuesday. I was driving them to the house after school and she was telling me about a birthday party she was going to. It's at a rented hall with a DJ and catered food.

D11 said the kid was rich, that's why it was going to be so big. She looked at me and said, "I can't do that because I'm poor."

I didn't say anything. She shouldn't be poor. She has two parents that together make enough to be upper middle class. It reminded me so much of my childhood. My dad was a plant manager. We lived in a big house, with the newest car and had season baseball tickets.

When the marriage crumbled we moved back in with my grandmother. I was lucky because it was a big house and we had a really cool pool so it was way better than it could have turned out. When my grandmother died while I was in college, we really fell on hard times.

That really made me appreciate money.

[whatisis]

Hey, how about doing Disney World together every year and Sushi every Friday evening! I'd also ask for a bi-weekly family weinie roast in her backyard for the summer months. A bowling night might also be nice with each of you wearing family bowling shirts. Don't let her stop at Christmas, go big or go home...that's what I say!

[ClingingToHope]

I know. The only other thing she talked about was D7's birthday in July. I have that week off and will have the girls, but she took D7's birthday off and wanted to make sure she could see her.

A reasonable request.

Again, the mediation session went really well, but there was one point I really had to keep myself from saying something. She's planned for the girls to stay one week with her mom this summer at their campground.

I asked if I could go down and visit them one night that week -- she said she'd check. This is the part that p*ss*d me off. She said that's the week her dad died and her mom always gets sad and needs people around her.

Do you know where STBXW is supposed to be that week? In Sturgis, S.D. with her best friend at some motorcycle retreat. So she's ditching her mom and dumping her daughters on her so she can go get drunk all week.

Now, her best friend really likes me. She's the reason we got together in the first place and was the maid of honor. Hours in a car with the BFF actually might open her eyes. But even as I type that I know I can't expect that.

Still, I plan on going down and seeing them that week. Last summer they were really sad at the campground because I wasn't there. STBXW and her mom just sit around drinking coffee and talking and don't get out in the water with the girls. That was always my deal.

So unless STBX-MIL shoots it down I'm going. I don't think she will.

[ClingingToHope]

I kind of wonder if the D will be done by August. I really don't want my actual wife getting drunk with 50ish Harley riders for a week. It'd be much better if it was my ex-wife at that point.

[ClingingToHope]

Up and down thoughts. While I was home with the girls I was thinking about STBXW partying with her biker bar-backwoods gang and how much that hurt.

I know lots of people on these boards have gone through much worse.

I thought about how when I had hernia surgery in October STBXW didn't even ask what my surgery was for or check to see if I was recovering well.

I thought about how she offered me extra nights with the kids basically so she could go out partying.

And I wondered why I'm getting so emotional over 60 minutes of positive interaction. At the final mediation and settlement conference I need to keep my mouth shut, let her do most of the talking and take the best deal possible.

But then I was looking for a guy I need to schedule a photo of and his number is unlisted. I was driving down one of those streets that only the real down-and-out live on.

I was thinking to myself, there's no way I'll end up on one of these and then I started thinking about the girls. I doubt STBXW is going to be able to keep the house, which means upheaval.

When they were born we started putting money into custodial accounts and college accounts. We stopped funding the custodial accounts and the college accounts are probably going to get cut as well for a while.

That means community college instead of a four-year school.

STBXW isn't sacrificing her future. She grew up with next to nothing. She's apparently comfortable with that. I wanted better for our girls and I thought she did too.

Her comment, "we're both going to be poor for the rest of her lives" is really starting to upset me.

I'm not going to be poor for the rest of mine. I will claw my way back up and I will put money aside for summer camps, trips, braces. I will find a way. I will watch my girls pick up that college degree.