Hope you're feeling better today Kalni. Try not to mind-read. You are creating new patterns with your H and it probably all feels strange. I like your stance on his job issues. It would probably help him a lot to hear that you are confident that he will make the right choice and that you believe in him no matter what.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Keeping my distances not to hurt the process. I wonder if he will get tired of this. I am going 2 steps back and 1 forth. There is ALWAYS a reason. I hate being this way. I need to be able to be open with my H about how I feel. Funny thing is, he seems to be more ready than what I give him credit for.
Anyway, both parents are okish... And H came home early last night, probably cause he heard me distant. He also replied to an 2 line email I sent him that he understands how I feel but his only issue now is he wants to get out of one of the jobs... I dont even know if I can handle more time with him right now. I need some privacy and bearthing room... K
Then tell him that you need some time alone. Maybe he will take the kids and just let you have some time, or go out with your friends if that is what you need.
Talk in small blocks and things will have a better chance of being resolved. You are doing so well.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kalni, My experience is totally different from yours and honestly a lot easier. So I don't want to compare my experience to yours- it is not of equal weight.
After Reconciling, I just noticed that I would have periods of being really distraught and upset. Really upset- often after when we had some positive times together. It just was like- how could you havea done this to me. Hurt my feelings for so long...
IDK, I can't explain it very well. But what your wrote reminded me of this...
Like the happy periods some how remind you of how bad it once was...
It has faded for me. At first I would get hubby involved with my upsets but now I deal with it alone....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Yes June, I think that's part of it. I want to scream at him "how could you have made love to her, promised eternal love while still sleeping in our bed, hurt our kids so bad, broke the continuity of our common life, disrepected our home, etc etc and now you are back, and all of that was...? What? A break? A mistake? And what do I do with the non existing trust? The memories, the flashbacks..."
I will know I am over the biggest part of this, when I will catch myself dreaming of the future. I test myself at times. Things feel so fragile I cant.
More drama with his sister's sitch. Typical, clasic, MEAN WAW. The mean kind, FIB's kind, nusty MLC, a mess. H decided he will talk to her after we spoke. I started a phrase and he said "I know my oppinion may be important at this stage". He called and they will talk probably on Sat.
He says, he will go ahead and do something about his work after the world cup. The financial sitch here is pretty bad, we are one of the lucky families with 3 jobs and income that allows us to have what we wish. It's a tough call but he needs to decide. Eventually. I feel good about not pushing this as a prerequisite back in Oct-Nov although it was my intent.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
"how could you have made love to her, promised eternal love while still sleeping in our bed, hurt our kids so bad, broke the continuity of our common life, disrespected our home, etc etc and now you are back, and all of that was...? What? A break? A mistake? And what do I do with the non existing trust? The memories, the flashbacks..."
It is interesting to me the order the complaints come out. If you look at them in the order they happen it show you something I think.
#1.. Slept with her. This is likely the "big" issue with you. He has now generated a tremendous "emotional" response in you. This is what he is "fighting" to break thru.
#2.. The promise of eternal love. Again.. an "emotional" issue. It "stirs" you.
#3.. The kids. We all know that mothers have an "emotional" tie to their kids.
#4.. Broke the continuity of our common life. Now.. we are getting into something. Here is where he broke the trust. If we go with the thought that 1 person can change the dynamic's of the relationship... what made him "do" 1-3? If you take away or withhold something from someone long enough.. they become desperate to find it. Is this the case "here"?
#5.. disrespected our home! This is key. He made you look bad. Made the family look bad. To me.. this is what you need to "encourage" him to fix. This.. will be hard! You are gonna have to think about it alot!! I "see" you doing it with the job situation. This little SIL/BIL thing has me a bit concerned. Lots of "emotion" from both sides!!
"I will know I am over the biggest part of this, when I will catch myself dreaming of the future. I test myself at times. Things feel so fragile I cant."
Stop doing this. Stop using it as a litmus test.
The 2 issues that are "here" right now are the job.. and the SIL/BIL. Most Likely.. SIL is taking front row over the job. this is why I like your approach to the job thing. You are building "something" there. The thing for you to watch is the SIL/BIL. Just watch it.
"He says, he will go ahead and do something about his work after the world cup."
Asking for time.. focused on "something" else.
"I think I may use the VS thingies this weekend"
BE CAREFUL!!! Don't focus on the P side right now. The "emotional" connection is in your post if you read it!!
Right here with all your stuff.. you can change things. His bond is not P. Yours.. right now is.
I recommend.. the "sly" approach.
Do something "creative" today/this weekend. I don't know.. cook on the grill or something. Understand that he has a lot on him and he is not thinking clearly. If you can do that.. Now you share a common thought!
Now..
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
