Retreated to my bedroom as planned and H didn't even say hi when I walked in. He often does if I started it but it showed me how cold he is. Things were like that anyhow when he used to live here.
CAt peeing on rug broke the ice. We had to talk about what to do with the darn cat as the whole house smells like his markings. At least H didn't get into "this house is a pit" mode, but he did get into "I told you days ago to get that other litter."
I walked away. Later I reminded him I had a sick child on the couch the past couple days and couldn't get to a store. THen he says "Well why didn't you text me to pick some up>" I walked away again - always it's "I told you " and "why didn't you" and I didn't want to hear it. Ya know, he knew there were litter issues and he knew our S was sick, but once again he couldn't be bothered to pitch in.
So that broke the dim for a few mintues but I'm glad I walked away.
Then he wanted to discuss my lab results too - when I had my collapse last week, I decided I needed to have a full physical before I determine this is psychological. Strangely, H has been all over this. A couple weeks ago, before I tried dim, I originally said I was not feeling well and it may or may not be long term and his only concern is how this affects our son and our health insurance. He kept pressuring me and pressuring me and teasing me about my "mysterious illness" and as always I wanted him to stop bullying so I've told him some things. He's actually weirdly brought me protein shakes and tried to get me on anti anxiety pills, and wanted to know the test results - I can't figure it out. From the man who wants to divorce me - it's too tempting to imagine he cares like he once did - perhaps instead does he just have to control everything?
So as much as I had planned to be in full dark mode - rejecting him - I had some brief convos.
Beyond that I said "I need to go to bed." because i was on the verge of tears as we talked about my health and I realized it could be hormonal and I"m so sad that I"m forty and probably never going to have another baby which I always wanted - just didn't want to go there so I excused myself and cried alone.
Why do I have the intuition he still is undecided even though he says he is done? Oh well, can't go there. Can't have any hope or expectations - only will be let down.
And there's a cute guy in my play who makes me blush. I'm terribly shy with guys which is why I rarely get dates, but I've given him a ride home a couple times and all I can say is, it's nice.
