Soaring Solo 2010

[ClingingToHope]

Gardener, today was one of those days where it felt like it was hitting me again for the first time. I'm with you there.

I use this site for advice as well as my own journal. On really dark nights I've gone through my sitch from the beginning just to see how far I've come. I go through others, such as BobbiJo, to see how far I still have to go.

Today, for long stretches of the day, I felt like I was losing it. These next three weeks are going to be incredibly tense for me and work is piling up and I'm letting it sit there.

I am what I never thought I'd be, an unmotivated mess barely able to function at times. Everyone around me tells me how great I'm doing. Only people on these boards know the truth.

[Buffet]

Hey G and others, just checking in to say Hi. Rare good day for me so I figured I would come and spread some cheer around here.

Hope today is better for you Gardener, and CTH just wait for the sun tomorrow could be another bad day, might be a better day but the sun is coming no matter what!

[Gardener]

Quick, emergency venting:

Three emails back and forth between XW and me this morning. Per last email, she is going to call in a few minutes.

"There were three things in my life that were the most important things to me in this world and that I loved beyond measure: You, our family, and our home.
They are now all gone. Why?"

I have had an inexplicable, overwhelming urge to say or write that to her this morning.

Getting it out of my system here - now - quickly, before she calls.

[Gnosis]

"There were three things in my life that were the most important things to me in this world and that I loved beyond measure: You, our family, and our home.
They are now all gone. Why?"

My response:

Huh? You could have fooled me.... oh wait you did. Have a nice life.



.

[Gardener]

Thanks, Gno.
I know.
There is no acceptable response.
At least there would never be a truthful one forthcoming.
Of course, there will be no response at all because I wouldn't ask it.

Bad morning. Weak moment. Glad I was able to get it out here.

[Gardener]

CTH,

I am what I never thought I'd be, an unmotivated mess barely able to function at times.

Well put. I can identify. Thank God it's only "at times" and, for me, becoming fewer and further between.

I'll be thinking of you and chiming in during your tough 3 weeks.

[hoosiermama]

hang in, gardener. you're a good man. there's something awful about this involuntary pruning of our lives; for a long time I thought for sure the pruning was too severe and would stunt my growth forever. but suddenly with this springtime there's new growth shooting out all over the place, and fresh blooms.

this is your fallow season. rest under the fertile loam for now; springtime will come.

[Gardener]

Thank you, hm,
How nice (and quite poetic)
I am hanging in and doing quite fine overall, but oh, those moments!

The pruning is more like a coppicing: pruning it all down to soil level - to virtually nothing left but the roots below - and letting it start all over again completely.

Welcome to Surviving The Big Coppicing Forum!

[hoosiermama]

I never knew there was such a term!! But I will certainly use it!

[Awoken]

Like Gypsy and many of you, I enjoy writing. And on mornings like this morning, I do so so descriptively that I imagine some of you wind up thinking, "Uh oh. Gardener's losing it."

Your words are like a garden too. You are so descriptive. I find myself struggling to get the words out, and to say what I feel, what is on my mind. There is solace for me in reading what you (and serenity) say, as you often articulate the very things I wish I could say, framing it from my mind for me. Yes, it's painful to read. I suppose I get to a similar place on the piano, but the specificity of actual words do make a difference. I'm trying to say thanks!

Anyway, Been thinking about you, and I hope you are well.