I'm a big believer in intel, but really, what do you need anymore for? You already know your wife is having an affair.
You are right about this, snooping can become an addiction and it keeps you stuck in a bad cycle of stress. The Intel that I have clearly shows her A and the lies but I have not seen the ILY's and stuff like that. I was continuing to try to translate some of this (I don't speak Spanish so it is tedious!) to try to get a feel for how deep her emotional connection might be but I finally just got to where I didn't want to do it anymore.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
I think your efforts would be better spent on learning to set -- and enforce -- boundaries, and on two books that I would recommend: No More Mr. Nice Guy
Hold onto your N.U.T.S.
As a third, possibly Co-Dependent No More.
I finally feel like I am starting to get myself back a bit. I have realized that working on my issues and improving my life, for me, is my number 1 priority right now. I would love my W to notice and be happy with my changes but if she doesn't, I am OK with that. No More Mr. Nice Guy - read it twice, really saw myself in that book so you definitely have me pegged as a NG! Funny thing is my W read it too and told me over dinner one night that she was worried that I was going to turn into a jerk because of the book! I never did the "Breaking Free" exercises so maybe I will go back and try to start working through some of those.
The N.U.T.S. book was really good too and I got a lot out of it.
I have seen the "Co-dependent No More" book and thought of reading it. I can see how I might fall into that category.
You mention that I need to work on boundaries and I have to say that this has been one of my biggest stumbling blocks. I have confronted my W each of the three times where I obtained "hard evidence" and told her that I won't be in a R with OM involved. I never followed through with consequences out of fear and not really knowing what those consequences should be. Now, I have landed in a major limbo situation where I have no hard evidence of an ongoing A (although I HAVE to assume it is ongoing since there is no remorse or apology on her part).
I have decided that if I get new evidence of an ongoing A, the consequence has to be that she needs to make new living arrangements. However, since has not been overtly crossing any of my boundaries since the last confrontation, I feel like I could be in limbo for quite a while unless I happen to come across new evidence.
Of course, her admission back in March that she was not willing to cut off contact with OM and not able to work on the M could be enough for me to just say that this is not working for me. My therapist tells me I need to start pulling out of this R emotionally and in some ways, I am already starting to do this. My DB Coach is telling me that I need to be fun and flirtatious with her and never, ever mention the A.
I have reached a place where I don't see "baby steps" in our positive interactions anymore but she has seemed lately like the wall has come down just a bit. I am not excited or overly hopeful but it is something that I have noticed. I am still open to R with my W but I would need to see some effort on her part to acknowledge the A and the pain it has caused me. Unfortunately, I know my W and even if she wholeheartedly wanted to R, I don't think she would be able to address the A, she would want it to just go away and for us to not talk about it.
You have seen a lot of scenarios in your time here. Any advice you could give on how to start moving away from a limbo state would be greatly appreciated.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
What are the current financial arrangements between you and your wife -- who pays for what?
We split Bills pretty much evenly. We both have very similar salaries although she does make slightly more than me. She could be completely self-sufficient without me, although her standard of living would take a hit where we currently live. When I first confronted her about her TM to OM, her phone was on my plan. Literally the next day, she canceled this phone and got her own phone/plan. This has been her primary connection to OM as it is a smart phone with email, internet access and the whole nine yards. She still keeps this phone glued to her, or in her bathroom with the ringer off (why is it always the bathroom in these sitches?). Pre-A, her phone was always on the kitchen counter with the ringer on. A while ago, I mentioned this to her during one of the confrontations and she denied that she ever left her phone in the kitchen with the ringer on. I have not heard her phone ring in 8 months...go figure!
Maybe I am wrong but I just don't feel I have any leverage on the financial front except that a D in our state would mean a big financial impact to her in terms of debt and loss of money invested in our house.
My current plan is to keep working on me because I still need work and I know that I have to do this to move forward and live a good life. I am not giving up by any means but the limbo is getting old.
