I am so sorry you are having to deal with them on top of everything else. Maybe you should just reply briefly to them. I would probably say something like,
I know that our situation isnt the way H or I planned on having the baby and this is hard on our families to watch. It is most especially for me right now because I have no say in the matter. My sole focus right now is of me and the little one and if that means being selfish and doing what is best for us, than that is just what I will be doing. Its not meant to offend H or push him out of the baby's life. I am willing to go to counseling with H to try and make sense of everything, but I also need to see H take responsibility for his actions and show me that he actively wants to play a fatherly role in my child's life, but most of all H needs to have respect for me as the mother of his child. And that includes having respect for my decisions as well. Pregnancy, child birth and the first few months after the child is born is a very trying time, and I am doing everything possible to enjoy my moment with my child.
Maybe too wordy, but let them see you are not pushing him out! HE WALKED OUT!!!!! and it also gives him the oppportunity to see that he can redeem himself if he wants to, and at the same time you are 100% entitled to be selfish and make decisions you deem fit for your baby! THAT IS A GOD GIVEN RIGHT WHEN YOU BECOME A MOTHER!
Dont let them get to you. and maybe its better H will not go into your flat. Clearly he has fears and his own issues, do not take them personal!!!! He has his own issue! You have a beautiful baby on the way!
P, it's irritating that these people are being so thoughtless. I would definitely let these emails go for a while. Blow off steam and then reply in a week or so. Or as long as you can wait. I like BD's suggestion; if that works for you, go for it. Or you could just write a short line like "Thanks for your thoughts; I'm trying to figure out the best situation for me and the baby." Or "for everyone involved."
We support you, P! We know that it is too much for one person to handle. You need time and it's fine.
BD, I know! There could not be an OW! I guess I go with the worst-case-scenario deal, so that if it's not that bad, I'm surprised. I just really want to be prepared. Plus, I do consider an EA an OW. With my WH, I don't know if he's found anyone yet, but I know he's looking. And every weekend I wonder if he found her! Well, I try not to wonder, but I do a little bit. But I don't think that I'm that awful, no no. I think she's awful, whoever she is, because it's low-class to date a married guy! Ha ha! And I think he'll figure that out one day.
But your WAH, BD, doesn't really sound like he has an OW. IMO.
All right, off to Lamaze class!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
Wow, I completely agree with both gatsby's and babydoll's advice- the email looks good but wait a week.
youcould say "I agree that he needs a father. We will see if WH can step up to be the father the baby needs but at this time he is not." NO DON'T SAY THAT! but it felt good to write it.
Piano- don't feel pressured to respond to them. YOUR life. YOUR baby. Not anyone else's business!!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Oh, I love you gals. Thanks SO much for being there!!! I love your email BD, it's really perfect. I will send it in a few days. And NM and G, your short variations were also good - one less committal and one a bit more feisty!
Am feeling much calmer. Spent the afternoon speaking with BIL who broke down and just cannot understand what his brother is doing. He says WAH is very agitated, talking all over the shop - e.g. Our 15yr M was beautiful, it's such a beautiful thing becoming a father, I am terrified about becoming a father. He says WAH also asked if it was normal to be crying all the time, cos he is crying all the time. BIL is not a psychologist but thinks WAH is having a nervous breakdown.
This conversation made me less angry and restored some hope. He also apparently really wanted to come into the flat and see me.
I'm going to wait and see if WAH makes the parenting therapy call this Friday, then offer at some stage after that (no rushing..) to meet with him for a quick catch up (not to talk about R, or finances, or anything threatening, just a hello). At least, that's what I reckion I'll do .. will wait to see if and when the time is right.
Yay! I thought he might have been feeling these things, since my WH is.
I really think your WAH could have an adjustment disorder! I do think space is what he needs so that he can deal with the adjustment on his own and not have lingering thoughts that you "made" him do it. He definitely needs family right now to talk to, so it's good if his family is listening to him.
"all over the shop"-- must be an Aussie expression, ha ha!
I would wait for the catch up until after the baby. If he is so terrified of fatherhood, he needs to go through that first before he can think of you clearly. Unless he initiates a metting, of course. IMO.
Keep GALing! A bit of hope is restored, but continue to hold out!
Oh, one last thing. I definitely try not to get my hopes up too much, but I take comfort that he is not "having a ball." So revel in that without guilt.
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
YES what gatsby said! don't buckle,Piano- think of it like this, perhaps he is so distraught because you are showing him you can go on without him if necessary.It is causing him to freak out.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Piano... you are all over the place worrying about this guy.
SHUT HIM OUT.. just SHUT him OUT of your LIFE until he GROWS the HELL UP
I read post after post saying you are going to be focussing your baby and yourself and all of this and then a post later you are agonizing over your H wondering about him having a nervous breakdown and that he really wanted to come into your place etc...
BACKBURNER THIS FOOL and MEAN it.. don't say "I am focussing on me and my baby" and then agaonize over him for the next four posts.. SHUT HIM OUT and MEAN it.
I don't care if his BIL say's he's having nightmares... YOu are the one who IS BEING VIOLATED HERE..
My dear, your HUSBAND is a FREAKIN DRAMA QUEEN and YOU are his BIGGEST FAN!!!
END CONTACT with him and STICK TO IT!!! THat means NO ASKING BIL about your H, no emailing H, no texting H, no NOTHING, not even THINKING about him.. zERO
if HE contacts YOU.. you HANG UP
Do NOT let him into yoru HOME.. PERIOD
You are hopping around so much you are just emulating HIS BEHAVIOUR.. how can you expect a solid commitment from HIM when YOU keep flip flopping your position on him?
One day you won't let him in your home, and the next you are talking to BIL about him having nightmares and nervous breakdowns.. you are NOT making a commitment to yourself and your baby, you are jumping back and forth JUST LIKE YOUR HUSBAND IS
You are going to give YOURSELF a nervous breakdown..
BACK-BURNER THIS FOOL and MEAN IT!!!
Otherwise YOU are going to put YOURSELF in the HOSPITAL and that ain't good for ANYONE!!!
"My dear, your HUSBAND is a FREAKIN DRAMA QUEEN and YOU are his BIGGEST FAN!!!"
HA! This is true. I guess it's the old bonds. I love him. But there's a part of me that still wants to "save" him & that's the bit I gotta lose pronto. I re-read your advice every day on my thread (and on other's), and I am working on this... truly I am.
I debriefed with BIL cos he just arrived in the country, we are very close, he's like my little bro, and we hadn't spoken since the whole debacle began - 7 months. He was very distressed and wanted to talk. I promise I didn't instigate it. I won't be going out of my way to ask BIL about H, and he has told me he will only talk about him if I want. And you know, I felt really supported by our convo and that has helped my morale for more GALing and BACKBURNING (love this term as applied to WAH!).
I don't think an afternoon of debriefing hasn't shifted me off course.
I know I do a lot of flip flopping on my thread & probably post too often especially when I am feeling bad, but I am keeping my resolve in my dealings with him.
Verbalizing here gives me the outlet for my grief and fears.
OK, so obviously I need to man-up too!
One step at a time, right?
I did not allow him into the apartment the other night & I was pretty cold about it. I said 3 words: "That's correct" (when he said "I guess I won't be coming in?") and "Goodnight".
Pls don't give up on me. Your advice is the most hardline, and I need it to keep me in line.
How much info do you think your BIL is passing to your WH about your situation?
I HOPE he's not giving your H ANY information.
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Your H has so many individual issues right now he is NOT prepared to be the man you need him to be, seriously. Just backburner this guy for now until he's grown up... you have SO MUCH MORE to do right now... pregnancy and motherhood is a lot of work and preparation... you honestly don't have the time to chase this guy around like this.
I suspect when labour comes around you will break down and call your H and he will show up and be all smiles and then run away gain when things get challenging again...
My advice is to tell your H in a detailed email that you don't want him to have anything to do with parenting. I would tell him he's not welcome to the child birth. I would tell him he's a terrible father so far and you are cutting your loses on him.
Tell him when he grows up you might consider introducing him to his child.
Check with legal on this, I know its pushing it... but i had to get extreme to make my point.
You need to SHOW him that he is NOT part of your marriage anymore.
He wants to be married when its COMFORTABLE for him. As soon as it gets at all awkward, he's GONE... this is NOT marriage, its called fairthweather commitment...
INSURANCE companies behave like this... when YOU are paying them they are all smiles... but if you have to make a CLAIM... They don't recall ever knowing you... and if you corner them they short change you...
Your husband is as reliable as an auto insurance company... and I do NOT like insurance companies.
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Regarding your position on him.
OK, maybe your pospting here is a pseudo-journal and you need to let your feelings out.. bear in mind your readers will infer from this as how you are acting in the real world. I certainly am.
Remember in early grade school when a student misbehaved they give him LINES to write out on the board?
I will not set my teacher on fire I will not set my teacher on fire I will not set my teacher on fire I will not set my teacher on fire I will not set my teacher on fire I will not set my teacher on fire I will not set my teacher on fire
Something like that?
Well, why do you think they give them THAT SPECIFIC line to write out? Because when people type or write something it RESONATES with thier mind. It STICKS in there stronger.
So, what I am going to suggest is that if you HAVE to write
I love him I miss him He's a wonderful man
1. Keep that to a minimum becuase this is NOT good positive reinforcement for you... It is giong to make you ILL. 2. Always FOLLOW UP with
1. I love MYSELF and my CHILD and my MARRIAGE and deserve better 2. I love my life and my dreams and deserve better 3. I will not allow destructive behaviour into my life 4. I will not expose my child to unreliable people 5. I will be an independent and self-sufficient single-mom
THESE five and others have to resonate in you. Most of your posts read as if you are falling apart, rather than building a strong, stable, healthy life for you and your child.
We worry, that's all... you have to REMOVE yourself from your husband's DRAMA.. let him spin and worry and whine and fear... its NOT your PROBLEM... its HIS... but when you interact with him AT ALL... even THINKING about him... you bring that STRESSFUL WORLD OF HIS INTO YOUR HEAD
NO MORE DRAMA... look in the mirror and tell yourself that..
Tell your BIL that.. "I don't want to hear about that drama queen anymore..."
