Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[Marked&Healed]

I really want H back in the bedroom. This stinks.
On a side note, I wonder if he found my thread... no real indication of it, other than he knew that I wanted him to go to apt and find the door locked. It may be... not sure.
He's in the LR right now. We had a pretty good night at work function. It wasn't the most fun, but we did share some laughs. I hoped that when we got back from it we'd be having more laughs. I fell asleep on loveseat and when he got back from picking up son from work, he kicked the loveseat and said "hey, why don't you go to bed." in a tone of voice that said he was annoyed with me being there. I got up and went to bed - no worries. However, really wish he wasn't out there. Stinks. Hate sleeping alone. I hope he doesn't know that. I feel like I'm playing it cool, other than what I say here.

[Marked&Healed]

I've been reading the midlifecrisisadvocate website and I don't know if I believe in MLC or not but I have to say, this describes my H in a nutshell. To a t, it is everything about him. Unresolved issues, going back to a woman from his high school years, reliving those high school years (no responsibility, partying, etc) - there were some things I shared with MIL/FIL from this site that were SO CLOSE to H, that it took my breath away. It was like they were writing about MY H.

[Allen A]

Kicking the couch = passive aggressive again...

[Marked&Healed]

Oh, yes. Absolutely.
Somehow reading this MLC website has put me in a pretty good PMA state today.
He's controlling also. He didn't give me 100% control as he likes to say, I took control of things like the kids, raising them, the household, the bills, making our vacations, etc. Yes, planning our free time, I admit it, I am high energy and he's just laid back and I probably (OK, definitely) need to learn to relax more...

But he controlled ME through fear - fear of his reaction, fear of his rejection, etc. One day he'll learn this. In the meantime, I am learning patience. Finally. LOL

[saffie]

But he controlled ME through fear - fear of his reaction, fear of his rejection, etc.

How much of that fear might have been assumed by you though? How much of it imagined?

I have learned that I often thought my H was in a bad mood, or wanted me to act a certain way, when actually that wasn't the situation at all.....I just thought it was.

[Marked&Healed]

Saffie, your first line made me question what you were getting at but the second - I understand what you're asking.

Well, there were a lot of ASSumptions. I admit that.

I used past behavior as predictors of future behaviors. That's over and done now. I guess I have to say I learned a lot DBing the first time, I did it like a champ, I really "got" it, but if you go back and find my old posts, you'd see that even then there was trouble. I wish one of the pros had come on and mentioned it and perhaps we wouldn't be here now... but then again, if this is a MLC, maybe we would. Just the fact that people would post "where are you guys?" and I'd come on and say things like, well, we're doing the best we can, love each other but don't spend a lot of time together. We're in crisis mode dealing the the kids coming to live with us so suddenly and trying to get past their abuses in their last house. We basically had JUST gotten back on track after his first A, and ALL AT ONCE - bought a new house, became absent landlords, took on two damaged children, and had to deal with his XW badmouthing us to the kids b/c we had a restraining order on the step dad, court battles, counseling, soccer, boy scouts, dance, field hockey - all at once - it was insane. There was NO time for us, and then things smoothed out over a few years and it became rote and we just never noticed that we had slipped back into the old, bad behaviors. We didn't spend time together, didn't maintain that closeness, I learned to nag when we didn't have intimacy instead of creating it. Etc etc etc.

Pray that I have a chance to do it over b/c this time, there is NO going back. This time I will do everything right, and I'm certain he will to... I know my H enough to know now what it is he's been missing.

MIL and I spoke about the "traits" he sees in OW being the same he saw in me. I was his "soul mate" - it was easy to talk to me, I was smart, fun to be with, easy to be with, a companion, beautiful, etc. He says the same about her. That's what he's looking for, what he's missing. It was my fault as much as his - we let the love become a non priority.

So, yes, I knew that he had behaved badly in the past when bowling, so I didn't do it again. I held a grudge. It was bad, I'm sorry for it, and I will not do that again. Once I found out that on karate nights, the girlfriends got together and went out. They had invited me but for whatever reason, H didn't pass it along. He says he didn't remember, but I held a grudge, and never would go into the house while they were doing karate again. I behaved badly because I was hurt - instead of asking him to make me feel better, to explain how I felt and wait for him to say sorry, I punished him. I didn't do it often, it was really just those two instances, but it hurt him just the same.

[Allen A]

Assuming someone thinks something they don't isn't all YOUR fault. It rests in BOTH your hands

1. You didn't ASK him for clarity
2. He didn't communicate more to ENSURE you understood how he felt.

If any assumptions take place ina marriage, both spouses are accountable for them. Don't shoulder his inability to communicate... HE has responsabilities to talk too

[25yearsmlc]

I've heard that Retro has an 80% success rate whereas MC has a 20% - I'm not saying that's true, it's just what I read online. If you can afford it, I would say it's worth a shot, but don't get your hopes up about it... go with an open mind.

I've never been but I've read a lot of stories about it and the dialoging online. I wouldn't have tried so hard to go if I didn't think it would matter to me.

Just fyi--we went to Retrovaille and paid the money AND paid an extra $650 for another couple to do. IOW, we donated enough for ourselves and another couple to go who cannot afford to go, which is why SOME and maybe ALL Retrovaille's try so hard to work with couples who lack the money. We did not pay anything but the deposit, in advance. As far as I know, most couples at our retreat also paid extra for another couple. We were housed at a Church place where seminarians stay, so it was no frills place, but quite serene and lovely. And YES, Retrovaille helped us a lot. I'd say out of 25 couples there, well, 23 showed up for follow up. Don't know what all happened later on, but many had no hope when they came, or very little. 2 years after, of the couples who answer the follow up, 80% are still married but only 2/3 answer the follow up survey, So IF all of the 1/3 who do not respond are ALL divorced, well, you're still batting better than most m's in trouble. (Someone do the math please). And fwiw, I think many couples who fail to answer the survey simply moved away within 2 years or don't fill out the whole form b/c it's long. I would not say that they are necessarily divorced. But thought I'd put that info in...also, fyi in OUR area, no couple is turned down for financial reasons. Let me repeat that, in OUR AREA and I assumed elsewhere, NO COUPLE IS TURNED DOWN FOR RETROVAILLE FOR FINANCIAL REASONS...I Double checked this so I know it's true.

The follow up to Retrovaille is HUGE and CRUCIAL to do and requires perseverance. All you can expect from the weekend itself, or HOPE for, is the willingness to see your spouse in a new light and to have the energy to do some follow up work on the m. You will feel better about each other if you put ANY effort into their exercises and you do NOT have to "share" anything in public. Few do.

As for your sitch in particular, please follow Puppy's advice and Safflie's and the many other good posters here. You do keep score and honey, EVERYONE keeps score differently incl your h, and in his mind, you are losing. That's why I say "lose the scorecard" and try to start fresh. Your behavior enables him AND eggs him on in some ways so it's a bad dynamic but I am NOT saying it's all your fault by a long shot. He's acting terribly and you're scrambling to accomadate and self examine every move. Do your best, and leave the results up to God....seriously, you will go nuts second guessing everything you do or say or feel, and trying to know in advance how your h will react. Go with what YOU feel is right, and let the cards fall where they do. The big guy upstairs will catch you if you "fall". Know what I mean?

Also, why do you want THIS man? Is it him or his kids? His behavior is pretty appalling, all in all. I'm just asking you to recheck your feelings and ego and etc.

Also, I did reach the point Allen describes for LBSers who decide divorce would not be the worst thing in the world, and it is empowering to know that.
Might even be essential to saving the m. I was done in a way and it was h who wanted us to go to Retrovaille b/c I just got sick & tired of feeling sick & tired in our m after all his wackiness. I was ready to be on my own not tethered to someone I could not rely on. And then, and only really then, did my old h "show up" in my life. And it was Sunday the last day of Retrovaille that I was SURE that my h had "gotten it" when he broke down, filled with remorse that he had done so much damage.

Call the retro people and see what they'll do. They may say it's non-refund but they want couples to save their m's if poss so they may also say "come another time"

Gotta go, good luck,
j-

[Marked&Healed]

Thanks for that post, 25Y-MLC
I want this man because I want this man. Yes, his behavior is appalling, but isn't that true of 95% of all the other WS on here, whatever their reasons?

I M for life, I committed for life, I promised my heart, body and soul to this man and yes, he has problems, we all have problems, but inside, he's an amazing, wonderful, caring, kind man who is lost and confused and quite frankly, acting more like a 2 year old than a real 2 year old. I will not give up on this M or this man - it's just not "in him to try" anymore, well, it's just "not in me" to give up.

Peace.

[JacT]

Passenger so glad you found the MLC website useful.I read it regularly and when you are identifying so many similarities between what is written and your H, you can be certain he is going through some kind of crisis.

I am a believer in MLC having seen my H change so much.That said I wouldnt force my views on anyone else.The key point is getting him through all the stages this time and giving him the space to do so.Until he does, he will continue to behave in the way he does.... forever and a day..not something you would want to cycle through again and again.

You are a strong woman and want your M so you go girl and fight for it but during this time look after you and make sure you can stay strong. The journey for some MLC's can be a long one but at least you perhaps have a reason as to why your H is behaving so appallingly. Read as much as you can on MlC so you can balance it with all the great advice you have been given here.