VETERANS VIEWS ON WALKING AWAY.

[MrBond]

mrbt,

It's laughable what the WAS will come up with. My W said the same thing to me about how we could be D and still live together.

Uh I gave her a big fat NO.

[gucci loafer]

My wife wants to continue to be friends and even went so far as to think we might continue to live together post divorce. My response was "I want to be your husband not your friend."

Do you understand how silly that sounds? I WILL be your husband,but I will NOT be your friend if you won't be my wife.
It SCREAMS of "give me my way, give me my way, I don't want your way,give me my way"

Give her HER way.. No biggie.. "sure we can be friends"

THEN you ignore them. You let THEM come to you. That is all there is to it.. You let them THINK you are friends and then you just do you own thing. Do you contact and pursue activities with every friend you have? Of course not. Do you tell one of them "well since you didn't ask me to go golfing the other day, then I will be your golf partner but I won't be your friend"

Do you see how silly that sounds to THE OTHER PERSON?



It does NOT work to reconcile.

Your answer to her should be..

"Yea we can be friends, but I WANT to live by myself. I may meet somebody and I don't want them to think I am living with a woman.. (you tell her this toungue in cheek and then drop the subject)

[Truegritter]

Gucci

Very good clarification. I Agree completely!

My convo above was with my sis. Not my W. My sis asked if I had told my W about my detaching or NC I said no. Why? Because of what you said above. She hasn't initiated any contact with me unless it is for necessary stuff. I have been the one contacting up till now. No pursuing just a text like "have great day" or something like that. It isn't much emotional attachement but still is contact that is sending a message "i'm still here."

I did not tell W I was not going to contact her. I agree and have posted this several times it appears needy and weak. Like you hurt me so I'm not going to talk to you.

I am not enagaging in strategy here (and some may disagree) I believe you have to live what you say. Strategies are just that unless you live it.

I am ready to detach more than I have been detaching. In other words I wasn't ready to drop all communication when I started but have moved to not even wanting (or needing) to send even an innocuous text like "have a nice day". As you put it I'm too busy with my life. I believe it is a neccesary step in the LBS healing process and if it awakens the WAS. So be it...

Your strategy is spot on and I agree. It sometimes is a process getting there as is evidenced on these forums but you do need to get there eventually.

I did make one mistake and that was engaging in this discussion with a WAS. My sister. I would NEVER have that discussion with my W but wanted to lock swords with my sis a bit to see where she took me. I thought it was interesting to share it here.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

OK. I hav.e been here for some time and i would like to offer a little anology for what we are going through.

Look at this process as s diet for life. meaning we all know how to get fit. We need proper diet and exercise to stay fit.

To stay relatiom fit we need to workout everyday too.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT TO DO, IT,S ALL ABOUT EXECUTION.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Gooch, i disagree. I told my wife that I had no intention of being her friend -- let alone "BEST friends" -- if she chose to end our marriage this way (by having an affair, lying to me about it, and cutting and running and not even trying to work on the marriage).

It had a huge effect on her, and along with exposure to her parents and our daughters, was probably the single biggest reason she reported wanting to reconcile.

I can assure you, there was NOTHING in any way "needy" about the tone or content of my "I have no intention of being your friend" talk.

Puppy

[luvless]

I happen to agree with Puppy. My WAH implied he wanted to be in my life..still be friends and "be there" for me. I said, "no way would you be my friend...friends don't betray each other." He said, "are you serious?" I said, "yes I would not be your friend."

If I lead him to believe he can still have me in his life and ow I would just be making it easier - no thanks.

[Vulcanized]

I'm with Pup & Luv on this one.

I told my H: when (not if) we get D, I'm not going to be your friend, I'm not going to be your enemy, I'm just going to be nothing. Just the ghost of somebody you once knew.

Screw that, if any of my friends treated me as poorly as H has, I'd tell them to f*&k off. As a matter of fact, recently did tell a friend just that.

[gucci loafer]

Puppy,

It just doesn't make any sense to me to "fight for your marriage" is ok, but on the other hand you won't be friends.

In my experience people have it backwards..

We should be saying.. "I don't want to be married to you and won't be your spouse" if you are choosing someone else, WAY before "I won't be your friend."

And yet people will allow the wayward to live with them while having an affair, will keep trying to save the relationship while an affair is going on, and yet we are discussing "not being their friend" as some big strong move??.. (while we try to win them back as a spouse???)

I disagree. I believe it works better to get tough on "not being their spouse before we should be talking about not being their friend.

[Kalni]

I was more gucci style with my H if I get gucci right. Told him,
"let's divorce now, things are calm between us, I agree with you, we were not meant to be together, we made a mistake but we can be friends and should be because of the kids..."

He agreed, looking sad. I didnt give him his version of "friends". I kept surprising him doing things I always wanted to do with him, he hated that. He had a hard time accepting friends meant he had less impact on my life than my bgf did for example.
K

[Truegritter]

I think there are some subtleties here. IMO you can appear needy and weak but it is how you deliver the message (or not deliver) In my case I have decided to move to a new level of detachment by not contacting my W.

I did NOT tell her that I did not want to be her friend or anything like that. It is for ME. Not a strategy. It so I can heal and move on to the next stage and hopefully, eventually acceptance and forgiveness. As I said I was not ready to completely cut off from her. In the beginning it was so there was an avenue to show 180's, GALing and that I was standing for my vows and my M. You can't do that if you say f#ck you I'm not going to talk to you anymore.

You have to cycle out of the anger and get to the point where it is not a strategy but reality.

The convo with my sis reveals (I think) that WAS definitely places value on that connection with LBS. Just as in the beginning we do as LBS's.

My NC is for me and I do not intend on letting our conversations venture into BFF territory. Why? Because I have already allowed that conversation and it does not serve me anymore.

There comes a point in YOUR journey where YOU decide this. Then it is a natural course of behavior and not a tentative or weak(or contrived) one.

It is a process. You figure out what's working and not working for YOU.

Also I think every case is different there are some with spouses in MLC when these tactics can backfire and lead to a longer process. I think DBing says that after a while if what you're doing isn't working then you have to take another look at what you're doing.

But in the end focusing on YOU and YOUR health is the underpinning to all this. Eventually, everything you're doing has to align with that goal and making it reality.