Game Point

[tryingtilDorR]

Hoping - I think the power/control thing is huge in this situation. My wife has suffered from some compusive disorders like extreme exercise and diet, and I think that was a form of control to deal with general unhappiness. I think all of the drama in our Ms and with OM are also part of this as well.

Another interesting development - this morning I left the house on my way out of town until tommorrow night. W called and left me a msg saying that she forgot I was leaving town and wanted to wish me a safe trip. This may not seem like much, but it is something since W would never do this in the past six months. I was out-of-sight-out-of-mind for the most part for her I think.

[DaddyLongShanks]

HopinginMass,

All we have seen is that "they" have compartamentalized their dealings with us. Some things that used to be part of our relationship are no longer needed to be done by us, OM or OW does it now...

They will protect their boundaries as you see, even if it is completely irrational.

[tryingtilDorR]

W has officially rented her place. Previously she had just put down a hold deposit and signed the lease, but now she has paid first/last months rent based upon the bank activity I saw today. She told me she was going to do this when I told her I would make some cash available.

She hasn't said when she plans to move. As I stated above she may pay the rent without moving out for a couple of months to not disrupt the kids before end of school as me and MIL requested. I haven't asked her anything about when she is moving and don't plan to.

Not much tension/stress at home these days - I have let it all go. I have no urge to check up on her. I know OM is lurking and present and that is the big motivation for leaving, so what else do I need to know at this point?

Then again, she may not go anywhere and just pay the rent. If she does that I will start pressuring her about what she is doing in June. At that time, my potential child support payment would drop due to S18 graduating from HS.

In addition, she has said that she doesn't expect me to pay child support right now anyway, just maybe help her with half the rent. This tells me she isn't planning on moving out right away and having the kids stay there, but she rented the place to hold it so it can be an option for her later.

Who knows, maybe she will start staying there without involving the kids to test the waters living alone. I will cross that bridge when I come to it because I really don't want her coming and going like that with OM in the picture - its in or out I figure.

[pigskin]

Or she has no clue what the hell she is doing and wants to see how you react to her getting a place. Since it seems you are giving her the proper "I couldn't care less" it will be interesting to see how it plays out.

[gucci loafer]

Trying...

You are fast approaching two years of trying it "the hanging in there method"..

How is that method working for you?

I can give you your answer.. It is NOT working..

Why not try a different method?



Why not tell her you WANT her out asap? Why not YOU be the one to tell HER it is also YOUR decision now? She is leaving anyway. Your way hasn't woked a bit. All it has done is give you two years of torture. Are you the kind of man that beats his head against a wall and keeps on doing it and then goes to the Dr and tells him you have headaches and asks him what he can do and what you should do?

Let's pretend I am that Dr.

Your answer.. STOP beating your head against the wall. Your headaches will go away.

[tryingtilDorR]

Yes you are right - when I consider the big picture here the trajectory of my situation has never changed really - it has been on a slow march to oblivion. That realization hit me when she finally rented a place and I know she isn't bluffing. It has finally allowed me to let go. I really feel the detachment now. I am starting to look forward to a life without her, because the one I have with her is the pits.

I will tell her I want her out, but I have to do it in a way that still supports my prior position of waiting to allow the kids to finish school before disrupting their lives. I think I will tell her I am looking forward to having her out (which I am actually) but still believe it is best for our kids if we don't dump this on them until June, but what is her plan at this point now that she forked out the cash to rent that place?

[tryingtilDorR]

More journaling - it is interesting to observe the WAS as they navigate through their emotional whirlwind in a 'game point' situation like this where they are facing monumental changes in their life (brought upon by themself).

I told her that while it is going to be hard on the kids I am looking forward to her being gone. I don't like living with someone who has been having a R with OM and have tried to get her to either end it or leave for over a year now, so finally there is a resolution.

W and I talked about her moving out - Her big excuse for not leaving yet is that she doesn't have furniture. I was being 'helpful' suggesting where she might be able to buy some furniture for her new place, etc., and even offering her some of the stuff in the house to take (stuff I could live without or otherwise want to replace anyway).

Yesterday apparently my mother came into contact with her grandmother, who knows she is leaving but suspects there is an OM but nobody in the family has confirmed this for her for her own 'emotional protection'. Anyway, my mother didn't know this and made a comment to her about OM and how W needs to keep that @*@#&$& away from our kids.

W blames me for people thinking that OM has something to do with her leaving. I told her that people who know what has gone on between them (proven interaction from evidence I collected and then later by her own admission to people) are drawing their own conclusion. It only takes half a brain to see the connection, but I think OM and her are in their own little world thinking they are 'clear' because nobody caught them having sex. I can't control others opinions I told her and knowing what most know about OM it is inevitable, even if they don't know details of what has already gone on, that they will draw the connection to him breaking up the M.

The interesting thing happened this morning. She comes to me while I am in bed and says 'After all that you have done there is no hope for us to reconcile. " She seemed really stressed out and irritable. She sounded like someone who had to make sure she had convinced herself of this fact. I think she is getting weirder about all this because she has her own place to go to and the next thing on her agenda is a hook up with OM there which is probably imminent, and she probably is really forcing herself to completely shut all doors to the M/R before she takes that step.

I just told her that we have rehashed this over and over, and that while she has an OM she is totally correct - there is no hope. I told her if she had taken a 'time out' from him you never know what we might have been able to do, but oh well.

Lately she seems very adamant about making the point that the fact that she got involved with OM was MY FAULT because I didn't make her happy in the M! She said this again this morning. I again responded that yes, we were both unhappy and needed to work on the M, but once OM was there she didn't want to. It is plain to see.

She went through her reasons why she is unhappy with me and why she can never be happy, how long she has been unhappy (it is getting longer every time she talks about it - now it goes back to when we had our first child 18 years ago).

It is funny because when we went to Retrouvaille one thing that was made terribly obvious is that just about any issue can be overcome if there is desire to work on it, but she has always worked very hard to ignore this.

I told her that she will appreciate me a lot more after she gets together with OM.

Also, I was very disappointed to hear that she told S18 and D16 that she had rented a place and planned to move out, without me being present. She said she did it because she doesn't like my 'attitude' - I told her this was totally wrong. She is causing the biggest disruption in their young lives and it is something we both needed to be there for. I wasn't planning on doing much talking I told her, she was going to explain to them, but I was going to be there to answer questions. She is afraid that I will make her look bad by saying somethign like 'this isn't my choice it is hers' which I won't do as long as she owns up to her own actions. I told her that when she tells S11 and S12 I DEFINITELY will be there. If not, I Will have to talk to them all on my own.

[pigskin]

More journaling - it is interesting to observe the WAS as they navigate through their emotional whirlwind in a 'game point' situation like this where they are facing monumental changes in their life (brought upon by themself).

Yep. Time to pay the piper. Tough when you realize that all consequences are due to your own decision.

W and I talked about her moving out - Her big excuse for not leaving yet is that she doesn't have furniture. I was being 'helpful' suggesting where she might be able to buy some furniture for her new place, etc., and even offering her some of the stuff in the house to take (stuff I could live without or otherwise want to replace anyway).

What a lame excuse. She doesn't have the guts to own her decision. Just like she has no guts to file for divorce.

Lately she seems very adamant about making the point that the fact that she got involved with OM was MY FAULT because I didn't make her happy in the M!

I get this a lot too. The WAS has to come up with someone to blame because THERE'S NO WAY a good person like them would ever do something so horrible as have an affair. "HE is not why we are where we are." NO KIDDING. We each own 50% of the responsibility for the state of our marriage. Doesn't excuse the horrible decision to go outside of the marriage. THAT is ALL WAW's fault. However HE is the reason WAW can't bring themselves to go about the hard task of fixing the problems in the marriage. As long as HE is around, reconciliation is impossible.

As dark as it may seem tryingtilDorR, your wife still seems very conflicted about this. As long as that is the case, there is hope. Hang in there and leave it all up to the man upstairs. You know what He wants. Those who cross His will create massive problems for themselves.

[tryingtilDorR]

I get this a lot too. The WAS has to come up with someone to blame because THERE'S NO WAY a good person like them would ever do something so horrible as have an affair. "HE is not why we are where we are." NO KIDDING. We each own 50% of the responsibility for the state of our marriage. Doesn't excuse the horrible decision to go outside of the marriage. THAT is ALL WAW's fault. However HE is the reason WAW can't bring themselves to go about the hard task of fixing the problems in the marriage. As long as HE is around, reconciliation is impossible.

I have been through this 1000 times with her and it goes in circles, since she goes back to the 'marriage made me do it' and 'it was already over' position. Textbook stuff. I tell her I wasn't happy in the M either, but I didn't decide to find an OW to make myself happy to try to point out the contrast.

As dark as it may seem tryingtilDorR, your wife still seems very conflicted about this. As long as that is the case, there is hope. Hang in there and leave it all up to the man upstairs. You know what He wants. Those who cross His will create massive problems for themselves.

Very comforting words pigskin. I agree that while God can't force people to make the right decisions (I really understood this by reading The Shack), He can make them pay for the wrong ones in some way.

I am actually looking forward to her being gone for both of our sake (but not for my kids). The time apart will help us sort ourselves out some more I think. I know things will turn out badly with OM so she might as well just get on with it, and I am looking forward to not having to see her much any more and reassessing my life once she is physically gone.

[tryingtilDorR]

Had a conversation with S18 last night - it was the first time I had a chance to talk to him since I heard W told him she was moving out. Conversation went like this:

TDR: Mom told you she rented a place and is moving out?
S18: Yes.
TDR: This isn't what I want - it was her decision. I thought there were other things we could do to work on our marriage before this happened but she isn't interested.
S18: How can you afford 2 houses?
TDR: We can't really, but I am going to hang on to our house as long as I can.
S18: Then why can't you tell her she can't go?
TDR: She is an adult and can do what she wants.
S18: Then she should pay for it.
TDR: We are sorting that out now - I think she should work more to help pay for all this and she wants to be home for you guys.

TDR: As far as where you would live, you are 18 and can decide to stay wherever you want, and even D16 might be able to do the same

S18: I am not going to be moving my stuff back and forth so I am staying here.

TDR: but S12 and S11 have to go every other week to each house

S18: Why?

TDR: It is something that is court ordered and not up to them.