I am in a unique situation (well maybe there have been others) but I am an LBS. I have been working through my stages and am now to the point of taking my detachment to the level of NC as has been the topic here. That is not so unique.

The unique thing is that my baby sister (2 years younger) has been having an A (might actually be in MLC) and has recently moved out on my BIL- they have two kids 5 and 7. She is still in A. BIL and I talk a lot about this stuff. I also talk to my sister and often get some very good insight into the mind of a full blown WAS in MLC.

The topic for today was the fact that I was going NC with W. My W is also still in A. My sis immediately thought this was a bad idea. I said it was a boundary for me that I don't want to invest my emotional capital into something that brings me only heartache. I need to detach from this further for myself.

She said what if she just needs a friend and not an H right now? What if she doesn't want to be Mrs. Truegritter right now can't you just be her friend that's what she needs. You are trying to force her behavior with your conditions.

My conditions? I said, I am not her friend- I am her H and in a normal situation if we had a M (which we do not any more) I would be both. Not my condition at all she took a vow that was a condition she agreed to. Not one I am imposing now.

Sis said she couldn't agree with me but I saw where her logic was taking her as WAS. It is easier for THEM to think they can have this duality while they are confused. But as long as it exists they do not experience the loss of the M. They think it's still there...waiting. They won't go through the stages the LBS has to go through until they FEEL IT HARD. Like the day you got the bomb dropped on you.

I believe the timing for all this has already been said. It is when the LBS is ready, not just acting as if, READY to detach and truly live for themselves. When they ACCEPT that the old M is dead and mourn its loss.

That's when the pain STOPS and when the new life begins...

But you can't skip to the end. You actually have to through the pain to get there.

Unfortunately.

My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am