Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[mrbt]

Way to go 8. Maybe I need to try the same.

[rr22]

Number8: When I would feel anxious, I would repeat this to myself: I cannot control what he does. His feelings are not my fault or my problem. If I don't take care of me, then no one will. He is not emotionally well, but that is not my fault. I can only control myself and how I react to things.



Hey, thanks for this one. It's helpful .SOunds like enough topics brought up today to last your for a year!

[rr22]

I think you didn't do anything to foster dependency necessarily. Some people like to coast and they get with those who aren't coasting and you never know it until later. You could just have been living your life as you would have been living it anyway and he jumped onboard for the ride. It's not like you enabled that or had a secret need for it just because it happened. I tend to take half of what they say with a grain of salt.

Good luck!

[rr22]

I guess my point is sometimes I think ICs overanalyze. When we're young we get with people because they are nice or funny or attractive or we have common interests. The big baggage often doesn't come out until you're moved in already (year four or more) or when life's first problems hit.

[flowmom]

8, that sounds like a thought-provoking session. I agree with rr...let the IC's ideas sit with you for a bit and see what rings true. It does seem like you might have a tendency to overcompensate though

[Number 8]

Onthemountaintop, I'm finally posting my response!

Why is running such an appealing option??? That's hard for me to understand intellectually and emotionally.

That's a failure response. I didn't know about my ADHD until I was 28. I had lots of evidence of having the ability to do a lot and understand many things. Yet, I found many problems in my life applying that. So, lots of failures. Imagine drawing something, and 1/2 way through you spill a bottle of ink on it. Wouldn't you want a new paper? The bigger the ink blot, the more the agitation and apprehension when trying to move forward. Maybe the hyperactivity leads to this, or maybe it is an exaggeration in a male response. Maybe, just me! I'd rather fight it and win, but when I'm sure I can't win or I've got so much on my plate I think everything is going down the tubes, then running away/starting again on a few of those things make the others more manageable.

Wow. This is an interesting analogy, and one that--for many reasons--is applicable in my situation. My H is an artist, and I could imagine him scrapping what he would consider an unsatisfactory piece and starting over. Your comparison and rationale are very apt.

*my lack of emotional sharing-- Is it possible that to him, sharing looks different that it does for you? When you were sharing lots AND he seemed deeply happy/moved, how were you sharing? When you shared and he wasn't responding, was it the same way of sharing?

It is very possible that sharing looks different to him than it does to me. It's hard for H to understand the thinking of an only child, and much of the way I share is how a typical only child would. This is not what H has in mind for "sharing," however.

I think H enjoyed my sharing when we were in happier times. I also think H wanted me to "share" on cue (asking, begging that I talk to him when what I needed was time to process or heal from the inside-out).

*the house never feeling like "his"; my reluctance to part with some things that were my mother's--That sounds very internal - a problem for him to deal with. Getting a house as an inheritance is a dream for most! How do you know your rework of the house is what he wants?

I will readily admit that I felt some resentment when he'd complain about the house. It wasn't just that it had been my mother's house. It was also that it seemed so ungrateful. It's a great house, and it's a home we never could have afforded in an area we never could have afforded.

As for the rework, the things I'm doing or have already done are things that were on our "wish list" of things to do.

For me, W and I are talking about moving to get away from the bad memories. This has been a bigger area of conflict, because she doesn't care about doing the house planning with me. I want to look at the walls of our house and think, WE did this together. I might have more of an influence, but without her influence, I will be resentful.

I understand this and how it would make you feel resentful. I hope that she'll choose to take part in this process with you.

I have the work problem, too. Does he have a job he can just leave behind him? With my ADHD, I have the touch of anxiety, too. I find many others with ADHD get more of the 'fun' part that comes from impusivity (etc)...

I have a job where the work is quite literally unending. He does not have a job (or has never had a job) that demands much of anything once he leaves there.

The impulsivity part of ADD can be fun, but don't discount the fun you can have with daydreaming for hours.

If you end off getting to a point of 'dating' again, maybe you could ask him for something he's dreamed of doing (bungee jumping, etc) and would like to try together.

I hope we get to the point of dating. I think about this a lot, and I wish I knew if it is a part of my future. Good suggestion about doing something fun together if we get to that point.

Great work on the work! I need an assistant....

It's great to have an assistant! You should get one. As I keep learning to delegate more, I'm sure I'll feel even better.

Why not suggest cancelling the separate account so that "he can better understand the financial situation during this tough time" or something?

You've intrigued me here. Would you elaborate more on your thinking here? I'm interested in hearing what you think about this.

Did you apologize for being overfocused on yourself during the year after the death? If not, and the timing is right, you could try, "I've never really apologized for putting you through a rough year/two...". Apologies don't mean that you did it on purpose, it means you acknowelge the hurt it caused.

I have apologized at several points through the separation, but I'm sure the timing hasn't ever been right. He's said, "It's okay. You dealt with it the only way you knew how." I will continue to try to make amends for it, but H feels so wronged in so many ways that I don't know WHEN he'll be ready to hear it.

Did you ask about dating again now or in a month from now? Telling him that you'd like a chance to know that you both tried.

I haven't asked about dating again. I am afraid of the rejection, so I'm not ready to suggest something that might make me feel further abandoned.

I wonder if his mom would kick him out? IF she is as supportive as she said, maybe you could offer an in-house separation. If he still feels that way in 4 or 6 months, you would help him financially if he needed it. Asking hard questions like this is trying to make an opportunity where it doesn't exist.

I wonder if she would kick him out, too, or if she's enabling without realizing she is. I also wonder if she'd side with him no matter what.

I like what you said about asking hard questions and trying to make an opportunity. I'll remember this one.

I'm imagining, "Hi MIL. I know you mentioned that you have hopes for H's happiness with me. I'm really trying to understand him better and to give our M one last try. I should've seen it coming, but I guess I didn't realize how unhappy we had both become. I wanted to offer H an in-house separation, but I needed to know if you support this - you will always know him best....do you have any idea on how I could present this? I know he's comfortable living at home, and I can't compete with that!"

This whole conversation is great--especially the part I noted in red. I CAN'T compete with that!

Good luck on your marriage

Thanks, OTMT. I wish you luck, too. Thanks once again for your comments and questions. I am grateful for your help.

[Number 8]

It's worth a try, mrbt. You may be as surprised as I was!

[Number 8]

Number8: When I would feel anxious, I would repeat this to myself: I cannot control what he does. His feelings are not my fault or my problem. If I don't take care of me, then no one will. He is not emotionally well, but that is not my fault. I can only control myself and how I react to things.



Hey, thanks for this one. It's helpful .SOunds like enough topics brought up today to last your for a year!

And then some!! I have much thinking to do. If things weren't so busy at work, I'd think of taking off some days to work on my thinking.

[Number 8]

I think you didn't do anything to foster dependency necessarily. Some people like to coast and they get with those who aren't coasting and you never know it until later. You could just have been living your life as you would have been living it anyway and he jumped onboard for the ride. It's not like you enabled that or had a secret need for it just because it happened. I tend to take half of what they say with a grain of salt.

Good luck!

Thanks for commenting on the dependency/enabling thing. I've been thinking on this one for 24+ hours, and I go back and forth on what I think.

A coaster. Unique description of H. I like it.

[Number 8]

8, that sounds like a thought-provoking session. I agree with rr...let the IC's ideas sit with you for a bit and see what rings true. It does seem like you might have a tendency to overcompensate though

flowmom, how do you know me so well?

I am a thinker and processor by nature, so I'll look at my notes each day and make my own notes and comments before I go back. It's all so new to me, and there's so much to take in. Thanks for reminding me to give the ideas some time.