I have heard guys call in to Dr. Laura that are literally at their wits end. Many times they are crying, they just want a wife that can be physical with them in any way, not just sexually. Every time I have heard one of these guys, Dr. Laura pulls no punches, she flat out tells them that they have a tough decision to make on divorce. She basically says that women that don't like to touch and be intimate with their spouses, really never can be changed.
I'm a believer in real science based on real statistics, and I'm fed up with the kind of anecdotal expert opinion cited above. Some people may end their marriages believing that that is a scientifically based opinion, but it can't possibly be. Clearly, there must be at least one example of such a woman who has changed. There must be categories of women who have some particular problem that can be solved (e.g. a simple problem in the relationship that the husband is blind to but which is overwhelming for the wife). There are women who have started liking to touch when they stopped being angry. There must be other women whose problem could be solved if we knew how, but science and therapy are not that far along. There may well be a category of women who have a problem that can not be solved (imagine a woman with no nerve endings...). Let's assume that there are many reasons that a woman may not like to be touched and be intimate, that different approaches may be needed based on the underlying reasons, and that we may not know the reasons or the appropriate response. Then we could start to design a scientific study that would give answers to the above question. Those studies probably exist, but there's no way on earth that the answer would be the simple, global statement given above. Just read a bunch of research papers on this kind of topic, and that becomes clear.
I was 38 before we found out that I am gluten intolerant, and I was sick all the time since at least my early teens (my memory before then is hazy, but I was at least a behavior problem through elementary school). Doctors felt that if they could not quickly find a physical cause, it must be psychological, so they sent me out for years of useless and expensive therapy. Turns out all I need to do is avoid eating wheat and I'm fine.
Experts create convenient categories for problems they can't solve, it makes them feel better. If a doctor can't find a physical cause, that means it must be psychological (it doesn't mean that there's a simple physical cause the doctor didn't look for). If a doctor doesn't know how to help women feel good about touching, it's not curable (it doesn't mean that the doctor doesn't know how to help).
I'm one of those guys who is at his wits end a lot of the time. But there is love in our marriage even if there is no sex, and my wife *has* been learning to enjoy cuddling and being close and talking even if it has not led to sex. For a few years, I tried to go along with my wife's model of a loving but sexless marriage. I just can't do it.
