Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[DaddyLongShanks]

Did you end up getting some?

[acsnow]

I wish. She is not even sure if she wants to play basketball or not in college.

[futureunknown]

I also decided a few months ago to finally stand up for myself and walk away from my W who had been playing games and disrespecting me. Amazing, at first she threw her little fit, then gave me her hurt puppy dog act, then tried to flirt and play and hook me back in, and now is suing me in court for full custody of our kids. Anything to get my attention. She's still not getting it.

[james217]

I wasn't being sarcastic,
you just have $hit in your ears and never listen,
no contact, allow her to chase you, she thrives on the pursuit, don't you ever notice that she tends to run away from you when you start to pursue and talk about the relationship, etc. Well?! Do the same with her, "I don't think this will work out with us", "I don't want to be with a girl who makes a relationship so much work", "I'd rather start fresh with someone new", "you argue too much and I don't want to anymore", "it's time for you to move on and find someone else", etc.

so how long should i let her pursue with NC? is there a time frame on it?

then what happens after that? Man I know you are probably slapping ya forehead but i'm reading the book and what is this NC stuff sposed to do? She starts pursueing I give NC. then let her keep pursueing then more NC. THen what?

With NC or not i'm still focused on my goals.

Haven't I answered that question twice already on your threads? You still haven't read it!

[/quote]

No Contact and the reasons for it, you also need to start spending some time reviewing the other threads in these forums and taking what's applicable and using it in your own situation, time for you to do alot of research and alot of personal development, you have some time now when you implement No Contact:

No Contact is a process you will use to accomplish a few things:

1. Prevents you from acting needy and insecure around your WAW, your last interaction was a good one with her, you didn't come off needy & insecure but I get the vibe that you have been needy, insecure, wussy like around her and NO CONTACT will prevent that from happening. It's fine if she contacts you first, she can initiate contact but you aren't allowed to contact her.

2. No contact will also.... help instill a fear of loss within your wife. No contact pushes her away (indirectly since you're not pursuing her and contacting her) and it will make her wonder.... WHY? She will start wondering if you are moving on, if you have moved on maybe with another woman. No Contact also highlights a particularly fascinating part of human nature: we tend to only realize something's value when it is gone (most of the time). We don't tend to appreciate things that are always readily available (when's the last time you thanked God for the hot shower, the milk & food in the fridge, the clothes you wear, the electricity bill you pay,etc..... take all those things away and you would notice REAL QUICK!)

3. Time for you to reconnect with your individuality. Invest in you, going to the gym, getting in better shape, going out with friends, social interaction with other women, shopping, getting "freshened up": new clothes, shoes, different hairstyle, etc. etc. Getting used to investing in you if you haven't made that part of your regular lifestyle before. Working on taming bad habits, working on start new good habits, etc. Doing some research on the top of attraction between men & women, learning more about yourself, etc. In the end becoming a better you FOR YOU, not for your wife.


NO CONTACT for several weeks can help establish that.
In the end, no matter how hard you try to be cool around your WAW, you will communicate in some subtle fashion insecurity and neediness (she knows you want her back and you know she wants to leave). Women are much better than men at picking up non verbal displays of emotion & feeling - it's just how they're wired, it's one of several advantage women have, it's ok we have several advantages of our own, we're built differently, just accept that. Anyways she will pick up on your feelings through your body language and no contact will help by preventing this from happening. So right now even if you're sad & bummed that your wife is gone, no contact prevents you from communicating that to your wife and actually gives the appearance that you're doing fine.

She expects you to contact her, and you won't be doing this (remember she expects you to contact her, you will instill feelings in her because you haven't been contacting her). She expects you to be there for her so that she can heal and get over you but no contact will prevent that, she will have to face the reality that she made this decision and she may be wrong, there will be no easy way out of this situation for her, at least not through you. You might think that by contacting her and being close to her and more supportive during this time that this will draw you back together but this isn't true, it would help her heal and move on and hurt your healing process (another reason for no contact, time for you to heal).

If and when she starts feeling fear of loss, she will begin to place value on you again, this will make her reach out to contact you. Whenever she does contact you, you are never to be rude, angry or act depressed, you will always act happy, awesome, "life is great" when she contacts you. You're going to ask why you should act happy when she contacts you, well she expects you to be miserable, unhappy, sad, broken, etc. If you are the opposite of these things, don't you think it would make her wonder why? She'll be asking herself why is he so happy? I left him, he should be heartbroken and sad. He isn't, what's wrong with this picture? She will be intrigued by your attitude and this will create an even stronger feeling of fear of loss because it looks like you're really moving on and it's her loss, not yours.

She's allowed to contact you (you can't control her) but points for you to remember:

- always small talk
- no relationship talk
- let her lead the conversation, she called you, she should have a reason
- always be happy and awesome, never sad, lonely, depressed
- end the conversations first before she does, just be nice about it, "hey I was just about to head out with a friend, maybe we can talk about this later, maybe you can call me tomorrow?" and if she asks who you're going out with, "just someone new I met at -------, you don't know them"
- if she calls, take your time calling her back, never be too eager, in fact, wait a day before calling back when she leaves a voicemail or just let her call again
- if you happen to run into her, keep the meeting short, and again be the first one to end it, "hey it was nice seeing you again but I was just on my way to -------, gotta run don't want to be late"

How's that for a lesson on NO CONTACT ;-)

see that's what i'm saying the bottom part of what you said about the talking back stuff has me confused especially when she contacts and starts pursuing me.

[CityGirl]

So what if she contacts you? She wasn't worried about contacting you when she was having an affair, was she?

This massive pursuit on her part just days after her affairs ended is not genuine IMO. She needs somebody and she knows you will be there.

If her pursuit and desire to work on things is real then a bit of NC won't kill her.

[james217]

James, you seem pretty desperate to have THE answer RIGHT NOW to what to do that WILL guarantee EVERYTHING works out FINE.

That just ain't gonna happen dude.

Listen to Rob. Seriously. SERIOUSLY!

I don't post much. I don't update my sitch, because, well, I don't need to... There is nothing happening to me that isn't happening to a bunch of other people. So I read.

The best thing I did, and I did it pretty recently and got results QUICKLY, was to put my frickin' big boy pants on and decide I deserved better than what she was giving me. I let my wife know that I was done with this. I was done chasing, I was done playing games, I was done with her pushing and pulling me depending on whatever she felt like doing that day. I didn't TELL her I was done, mind you, but my actions sure as hell spoke loudly and my actions told her I was done. And she noticed, she noticed fast.

lol i say alot of stuff on your thread and don't do it huh? me thinks I need to do alot better.

Did you end up getting some?

lol some isn't the word i'd use. I felt like King Solomon during bible times

[james217]

So what if she contacts you? She wasn't worried about contacting you when she was having an affair, was she?

This massive pursuit on her part just days after her affairs ended is not genuine IMO. She needs somebody and she knows you will be there.

If her pursuit and desire to work on things is real then a bit of NC won't kill her.

lol. C.G. you're a tough cookie. The weird thing is during her P.A. (a one night stand i have proof don't ask me how lol)
we still talked. we still texted. but yep you're right it's been way more consistent since the E.A.s AND P.A. broke off.

well see if it's genuine. *cues spaceships from independence day circling major cities to show how dark he is right now*

Yep she knows ill be there. I've always been there. SHe says it written it texted it before and after seperation.

[james217]

No Contact involves ignoring her a bit as well....

IMO the BEST choices are...

1. Ignore.
2. Contact via email

The other two choices would not be in my vocabulary until SHE either called me or ASKED me to call.

My top choice is # 1 (ignore) and here is my reasoning...

The thing that I have observed over the years is that one of the most effective ways to get a woman back seems to be when you leave them curious to why you didn't call them or return their call or email them after they emailed you first.

I am only talking about ignoring this for this one initial email. Since you have done such a marvelous job of leaving her alone (which was fabulous) she could be putting out "feelers" because she is starting to question her decision. Giving her this time by staying away is an excellent move because it gives BOTH people a sometimes well needed breather. During this time I would guess that she has secretly gone back and forth over and over if she really is doing the right thing. She may be wondering if she has lost you. The key is that she HAS to be wondering. Let her fill in the blanks to what you are up to.

Now. IF she is still determined and just wants to get this over with and nail down some final details, then again, ignoring is not going to hurt you in the least.

My guess is that if you ignore this one time, that she will contact you again and ask you if you got her last email. This would give you the opening to tell her "yes, I got it, but I have been busy and haven't had time to get together" (or any one of a number of reasons that show her how busy you have been and how much you are letting her go. (which again is the key to them coming back.. them feeling that you have let go)


The second option...

Email her back. Answer her questions and tell her what is good for you. This option won't hurt you, so don't think just because I favor option 1 that this option would be "wrong"...

Moral of the story..
Strong, confident men are attractive to women.
A strong confident man is decisive.
Be stong and confident, decide what you are going to do and execute.

As you get stronger. (and you are doing GREAT) you need to get to the point where you don't have to ask us what you should do, but you just do it because you know you are secure.

Remember.. No pressure. Be nice. Be confident. Be mysterious. Be decisive. Let her see a busy man going somewhere with his live. A happy man that is busy is very attractive to women..

Good luck

[quote=robx]well you have some more clues to help you along,
check this out but you have to be willing to do this and not just read the words I'm typing - all of this stuff hinges upon your ability to transform the text on these screens into real action, otherwise you'll just be whining on these forums for the rest of your life and complaining about how life is unfair.

OK back to the action.

"...Everytime we start getting close again she purposely brings up something that usually pushes my buttons and we argue."

When you guys start to close again, whatever that means, touchy feeling, kissing, etc. YOU be the first one to stop before she stops it, almost like teasing her but you have to make her believe that you mean it.

"We shouldn't be doing this, this isn't right, I'm sorry I shouldn't be doing this with you, I don't want to give you false hope or the wrong idea"

"We shouldn't be doing this, things never work out between us, I don't want to give you the wrong idea"

Do you see what happens here?
You're not using your normal logic that you usually use with her which is "listen to me, listen to my logic, I can change, I can be a better husband for you, blah, blah, blah" and she will never believe any of that.

What you are using is a method to get in touch with her feeling but you are rejecting her but you are actually agreeing with how she has been feeling for a long time, you guys start to get close and then she pushes you away, and look how well it works on you, you want her even more after she does that and then come here and complain that you don't understand. Do the same thing with her, even when you guys are just talking about something and you are being there for her, all kind, considerate and understanding... stop yourself and use the words that I've mentioned above and then tell her that she should leave because you want to be alone and don't want her to be there.

You need to start doing what she's been doing to you,
reject her but use the reasons I've given so that it's not too harsh or punitive. The dynamic switches at that point, she normally has the power of that decision and choice and you've taken it from her (finally) and you've used it against her. The reaction will be the same one you've always been having afterwards, you get mad, you trying to figure out in your head how you can get close to her again except she'll be the one having these feelings now.

Totally counter-intuitive, totally outside of the scope of the logic you've been trying to employ in these situations and totally NOT something you would do.

Time to stop doing what YOU would normally be doing.

]

The BEST thing I have done in my sitch is absolutely minimize contact with my W. I can't completely cut off from her as we have three little kids to take care of, but it's amazing how close you can come. All contact via e-mail, never intiate conversation with her, and if she asks something, one or two word answers back. Don't look at her, at all. After a few weeks I started to feel very free.

A I agree with robx completely. Don't give her special consideration when it comes to being her friend. She doesn't deserve to be your friend right now. My friends help me, they are supportive, they never mind a phone call to ask "What's up?" I never feel strange about asking if they want to do something with me. That's a friend. As robx says, these WAWs are leeches, acting "friend-ly" to get security and support from you, with nothing coming back the other way.

more darkness reminder quotes

[DaddyLongShanks]

After reading this, nobody can be with this particular lady until she stops gaming. She's gaming so hard she's gaming herself, and I bet holding alot of stress, etc on purpose not helping her health conditions.

All this engaging and withdrawals, is games on a micro level. And you got herpes from her. Also violence. Not good.

You have alot of good information, so do what you think you have to do. Up until now she knows she can do whatever and your not going to leave her.

[james217]

After reading this, nobody can be with this particular lady until she stops gaming. She's gaming so hard she's gaming herself, and I bet holding alot of stress, etc on purpose not helping her health conditions.

All this engaging and withdrawals, is games on a micro level. And you got herpes from her. Also violence. Not good.

You have alot of good information, so do what you think you have to do. Up until now she knows she can do whatever and your not going to leave her.

the stress and whatnot? I can agree with as well. she refuses to go to the counseling the doctor recommended. she refuses to get off that pill that she knows makes her sick and wasn't recommended by her previous doctor either.

*looks@his arm* *shakes his head* that scar is still there.

I'm about to get my health right keep this counseling and therapy up cross my fingers about this job and go to this interview with this other cmpany tommorrow also find a college i can go to to get my degree online.

Time to act like a man again. *stops crawling* I helped make this bed but i aint make it alone. We'll see what happens now.

*reads threads by nightlight as he sits in darkness* lol