H4L, Some how people like this just suck the life right out of you. When you go dark you some how regain all your vigor and strength. It is really true the longer you go dark the more strengh you get....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
H4L, I've been away for about a year, so I don't really have a thread now. I found I had to "get away" from the forum for a while once we reconciled. I found it was making me relive some of the hurt and stuff that went on. The wounds of the break up, and then trying to muddle through the r/c were still too fresh.
As for the continuing blame. It's all part of the same thing I think. Rewriting history, accusations, the remarks that you'll never change etc - detaching and deflecting are some of the things that did work for me.
I got everything being accused of being a verbal abuser, to an adulterer to him constantly repeating: A leopard doesn't change it's spots. I was blamed for him not having any life, any kids, that he couldn't retire when he wanted to, that I was "expensive", and I was going to require him to work until the day he died. It went on and on. The lies, his trying to legitimize his affair,... all of it. Mine went right off the rails.
Folks do NOT like to look in the mirror, especially when they're in full blown doodoo throwing mode. So, there's really nothing you can do except just turn him off. Once you do that, they'll even try to escalate it to re-engage you. Mine did. Just say to yourself,... this stuff is making me sick. It's damaging my health etc. You'll learn to self protect without fighting back. Be pleasant, and a matter of fact. That's a good dim/dark start.
I went dark, back to dim once we were starting to feel each other out again after one false start. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. To willingly push him back, and (potentially away), to keep him at bay and not allow him to get comfy by getting too close was extremely difficult for all the reasons we all know. For 2 months, I only allowed him to phone, I'd get calls at all times of the day or night. 4, 5 or 6 times a day of him calling, telling me he loves me etc. The next 2 months, I then "rewarded" the good behavior by allowing him to come over a few times for a simple visit and then towards the actual reconcile... a couple of sleep overs. Looking back on it now, I'd say it was my version of the "last, last, last, resort". Long and short... it was a process... one that I purposely "kept slowed down" in order to maintain control. Why?... because he was still out of control. The other woman btw, was pregnant... and she was yanking him all over the place.
Good news... he kept promising me that we'd be back together once she had the baby... I kept saying to myself... We'll see. I had to come to grips with this was an all or nothing. I could come out of it without him. Somewhere along the way, I became ok with it. Looking back on it now, it was the time I really grew into my own person. And I was happy. Uhm... alone, not just surviving, but LIVING and was happy. Getting back together became the cherry on top. Ya know?
I don't know if this helps at all... just know that if you try to contain the crazy-making of your H by learning to not take his junk personally,... you'll be the better for it in the long run... no matter what happens.
*hugs* Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 04/14/1001:56 PM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Great post to Hope. I didn't realize that your husband OW ended up pregnant. My husband and OW have a child together that was born BEFORE we got married. Sorry to hijack but just wanted to know how are you guys dealing with OW and baby. The baby between my husband and OW is what started the affair after we got married...me not setting boundaries with husband's interaction with her and OW using baby as a guilt trip on husband...just curious as this is somehting I will have to take into consideration.
Back to Hope,
I have been reading your thread and I COMPLETELY understand the way you feel. The best thing I can recommend is going dim/dark. I have been dim (only responding to certain text messages with no phone conversations) and that REALLY helped me to see things better as far as my stitch was concerned. I am not good at taking my mind off things so I did something that would occupy the majority of my thoughts and energy...I STARTED A BUSINESS. I am not saying that you have to go that extreme but the point is to do SOMETHING that makes you feel good about yourself. Go HELP other people...volunteer to feed the homeless, mentor a child in need, volunteer at a domestic abuse center. Helping others will not only get you out of the house and around other people but will help you appreciate the things you have in life (with or without husband) that much more. I hope that you take this first step...go dim and get out and help others :-)
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Maybe you could listen to it while doing housework? I did that kind of thing a lot when I was still living with Mr Negative.
Your need to have your H's love and approval is a huge source of suffering for you. I know that suffering. It hurts so much to see an ugly horrible version of myself mirrored in H's eyes. But the truth is that he has never been a true mirror. Even when he mirrored that I was a wonderful, sexy woman he wasn't a true mirror.
This is a growth opportunity for us. An opportunity to cultivate self worth independent of others' opinions of us. There was a time when we existed and had value before we even met our H. Our M with them doesn't erase our value even if they blame us for all of their problems and dysfunctions.
I really believe in The Work that Byron Katie teaches, and I'd like to try working with one of the phone facilitators -- avermont had a really positive experience with that.
Anyway, wishing you peace today Hope. We don't have to suffer. We can choose to question our thoughts and beliefs, because that's where our suffering comes from.
(((Hope)))
Last edited by flowmom; 04/14/1003:09 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
You're all right. AS you saw on my last post, I plan to retreat to my bedroom when he's here and not engage. I'm not able to sleep at the neighbors right now so i don't know what else I can do. I'll just walk away from any talk with him.
Abbey - how long of going dark and deflecting his blame did you have to put in before you saw a turn around?
I'm beginning to feel that I may be able to be free...not live in fear anymore.
That's great . Feel this feeling as strongly as you can. When you have a setback you can remind yourself that you did feel this way and you can feel this way again. It's two steps forward, one step back of course.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
good point rr22...I hadn't read completely through H4L's thread but I for some reason thought that there was an OW. Maybe there is or isn't but that might explain husband's sabotaging reconciliation.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
. Feel this feeling as strongly as you can. When you have a setback you can remind yourself that you did feel this way and you can feel this way again. It's two steps forward, one step back of course.