For the past month I have been focused on my wife - not sexually - but being as attentive and loving and caring as possible. I was interested to see if she would develop any more desire in our relationship and, if not, was at least more caring and loving in a non sexual way. Perhaps some long-term compromise could then be worked out.
To my surprise, the opposite effect occured. Instead of her becoming closer and more caring, she become less caring and more distant. I didn't say anything about this for the past month and kept on being as cheerful and attentive as possible, despite being given an even colder shoulder the more I tried.
At the end of the month long trial it became aparent that my wife was really wanting me to be less attentive and less cheerful and she would snap at the slightest hint of anything that could be displeasing to her, although I would never take the bait. I finally asked her if I had being doing something to annoy her over the past few weeks and she let it slip out that she was concerned that if she was to show any interest in me or any approval of me at all, that she would feel obliged to have a physical relationship despite having no sexual interest in any way. She indicated that although she loves me dearly, she has no desire for any sexual contact with anyone and that she feels inadequate that she has no desire. She indicted that she will only have sex on the rarest of occasions and only because she feels extremely guilty. She feels less guilty and better about herself if she has a reason, any reason, to be angry/disappointed/disatisified with me. Since I have not recently given her any opportunity to find a reason to be angry, she indicated that she has put up a wall in the hopes that I will somehow slip up and then be justified in feeling less guilty about our absence of physical contact. She also indicated that she is concerned that it is not natural for a 40's male to have no sexual contact and that I could stray in our relationship. She went on to say that she would not really blame me if I did stray. However, having said that she is not at all willing to have any kind of physical relationship unless she feels totally guilty and that she must reluctantly succumb.
Based on the past 10 years of virtually no sexual activity and never making any headway at all in this area, it would appear that there is no possible compromise. We will never have any sexual relationship, end of story. I will either have to accept this reality, continue on in a totally frustrated and depressed stated or find recretion with someone else.
When I was younger, I often scorned men who would cheat on their wives thinking that they must be terrible people deep in side. After having lived through the past 10 years of a sexless union, I don't see any solution other than cheating on my wife or leaving her - funny isn't it.
Anyway, to close the loop on this post, I don't really believe that compromise is possible in my case and I wonder if this is true over the long haul if your spouse has no desire.
