First, I am really glad that things went well in mediation. She is giving you more time with the girls and that is good. I understand her not wanting you to have the extra week day the weekends you have them so she gets some extra time, but overall it looks like you both are getting what you would like there.
Second, I really think you need to go to counselling about needing someone else all the time. It is very important in this process to take some time and be alone. To learn about yourself, and to change things you don't like about yourself. If you have always been with someone then you change based on them, and possibly don't even know yourself very well. You need to push this time and take time to be alone. Be with yourself and the girls. You have a 13 year marriage to get over, and you need to do that on your own, otherwise the same mistakes you made will come back up. Also you need to be an example to your girls that it is ok to be alone, otherwise once they hit dating age, they may flit from guy to guy and never be content with themselves. It is definitely an esteem issue. You need to find worth in yourself because you are worth a new relationship, but you need to find that self-worth in yourself and be content with yourself so you can fully and healthily be part on another more successful relationship.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
I have a counselor, but we haven't really talked about that, even though I've brought it up. She told me once, "if you want to be with someone you will be. I've counseled 300 pound people with two teeth in their head and they had someone."
I'm such a romantic. I've had stories to focus on every step of the way. The one I keep thinking about now is "I Do Again." A book about a seemingly perfect marriage that ended up in divorce because the wife lost her love for her husband only to see them remarry seven years later.
I can't help myself from thinking if every time we are together is as good or better than today then who knows ... I won her once ...
Hope is a double-edged sword though. When things happen to tell me that is futile I crash really hard. Christmas was one. We had a great day together and then I figured out part of the reason I was invited is because she wanted to go to a party later that night and didn't want to have to drive the girls down to my apartment.
How do I present my best face without hoping for something more than respectful friendship?
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
CTH, I don't recall all the details of your sitch and, yes, it's probably too late like it was for me, but have you ever tried telling her
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
... I lost my way. When we first started dating, I always let her talk. She loves when people value her opinion and her input. She loves it even more today?
But as time went on, we got busier, the kids, I forgot how I won her over in the first place and since we were so busy I just started just taking care of things and explaining it to her later.
I pushed her down this path. I definitely am not without fault.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
"I've counseled 300 pound people with two teeth in their head and they had someone."
I'm getting hot already. Two teeth is a major turn on! Clinging, please put the book away, you're killing yourself. My STBX and I get along so much better now that we're apart but I don't see that as any signal that we should be together again. It's probably just that we're out of each others hair now and she's not coming home to someone she doesn't want to be with. You mention wanting a "respectful friendship" and I wonder whether that really is what you want or is it reconciliation you're after. I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do here but at least be honest with yourself. You should always have a respectful R with your ex but don't tell yourself you want friendship if that's not what you're after. It's OK to shoot for reconciliation and work towards it but just be prepared for the pain if it doesn't happen.
Btw, some would say my last post to you is kind of like the kettle calling the pot black or the pot calling the kettle black or some nonsense like that!
Btw, some would say my last post to you is kind of like the kettle calling the pot black or the pot calling the kettle black or some nonsense like that!
but, alas, that's what we do a lot of here: give others good solid guidance that we often don't give ourselves and when we do, we don't heed it.
Last edited by Gardener; 04/14/1008:22 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
You mention wanting a "respectful friendship" and I wonder whether that really is what you want or is it reconciliation you're after.
That's my dilemma. I feel stronger, more detached when we aren't talking or are just being short or snippy with each other.
When we have good times together, like the phone call in September or at Christmas, my heart starts bursting with hope because, yes, I do really want reconciliation. As I said to her in September and October, I understand why we separated. Things were not getting better, but I don't understand why we never even considered giving me a second chance.
I need to be able to be like I was today with her all the time without getting my hopes up for a reconciliation. But to date I haven't been able to.
Does that make sense (incidentally, that's a favorite phrase of STBXW)?
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
