You are no longer dependent on your spouse to change or take care of your unhappiness. You take that power away from them
I have never really understood how to do this, and I know that many experts recomend this. I am pretty happy with other things in my life, I am VERY unhappy with the fact that my LOVER is DEAD. It seems to me that my happiness is entierly dependant upon my wife since the hapiness I want comes from being with a lover. Now unless I cheat on my wife, there is no way to replace this form of happiness.
Hm. Let me see if I can explain this in a way that might make sense to you.
When you make your wife soley responsible for your physcial happiness, you are thrusting upon her an enormous amount of power over your life. She may not WANT the power you assign to her, so in essence, you have made this a power play because you have set yourself up as 'the victim.' Because you freely choose to leave yourself stuck between a 'rock and a hard place,' you have also created a no win situation for your wife. In every instance of your interactions together, you are set up in 'either-or' situations. You are attempting to control your wife's behaviors, attitudes, actions, thoughts and feelings because of the enormous expectation you have laid at her feet. It is emotional blackmail. In order for you to achieve the kind of marriage you so deeply desire, your spouse must give all of these things to you WILLINGLY, not because you expect it.
Because you do not 'trust' her to do so on her own, you attempt to 'control' her through your feelings of anger, hurt and detachment.
Let me state clearly that there is nothing wrong with the things you crave for your marriage. They are what we all strive for. However, if your wife is unwilling or unable to hear you and find the courage to work on your marriage together, YOU have a decision to make. You are not stuck in your marriage because of God, religion or country. You are stuck because you are scared of the unknown. That is human, that is natural, that is understandable.
But you are hoping and praying that your wife is going to 'let you off the hook' from having to make some very difficult decisions or taking some very serious actions by changing into the woman YOU want her to be for YOU.
When you freely accept the person she is, now, today, for what she is, and understand that you cannot control her any more than you can control the man on the moon, is the day you will begin acting and deciding things for your own best interests. It may make you very sad, and it may hurt very deeply, but until the day you are willing to own your own thoughts, feelings and actions and not pawn them off on her, the two of you will never be able to freely love one another.
I don't think God ever intended anyone to stay in a loveless marriage. But do not blame God or your wife if you choose to stay in an unhappy marriage. The very fact that you ARE unwilling to leave your marriage could be the one thing your are NOT doing that will help her reach new understanding.
Own your life. It is yours and no one elses. Do whatever it is you need to do to try and communicate clearly with your wife. If she cannot or will not hear you, then examine your options and make some choices. There are no guarentees in life and this is probably the toughest road you will ever travel.
If none of this is making sense to you, then try this link that Jiji found on another thread: Last Resort Tactic
But whatever it is you do, stop waiting for your wife. It will trap you in continual limbo.
