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Left a book I was reading - title is something like 'how to recognize an emotional affair' down in the kitchen when I went to get some water last night.

The next day W says did you leave that stupid book for me.

So I just said 'you're welcome to read my book if want to'. She goes upstairs a little while later and is on the phone within 5 minutes. Here's a question. Do I walk into the room when this is going on and just stand there? What's the play while this goes on?

I've followed through on what I can but it's not getting through to her but I suppose maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Nothing will get through to her.

Maybe I've just pissed her off showing her that I know and she's lashing out? Yesterday I did a bunch of laundry. She normally did it but that doesn't mean I shouldn't. She starts in on me about putting the wrong clothes in the dryer.

Tonight, I'm putting laundry away with the hall light on and she's lying with D in bed. I hear turn the light off! I politely respond 'I'm almost done'

Then I go into D room to put away a spare sock and W in front of D says 'Do you mind?" in the most vicious tone. I asked 'who are you talking to' when W says me I responded. 'don't speak to me like that'.

I realize now that I put up with a lot of this venom even before this EA. It seems now when I hear it I realize how unfair it is to speak to someone like this. So at least I've grown a little back bone out of all this


M 40
W 39
D 4
M 5 years
Bomb dropped 08/09
In house separation
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Continue to call her on any rude or disrespectful behavior, BWP. As far as going into the room when she's on the phone: if you genuinely need or want to go in there for something, do it. If you don't really have a need, but are just checking on her, then don't.

In other words, go about your life. Neither placate her, nor unnecessarily aggravate her.

Make sense?

Puppy

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It does make sense. When I call her on things she loses it. Tonight I walked into walk in closet to tell her something and she's texting on a new phone. I say 'is that a new phone' I was just curious. W says I had to get rid of the old one because you likely bugged it.

Here's when I think I blew it. I just said, why would that matter you have nothing to hide - she starts in about how she's not happy and it's my fault.

I said - I'm not responsible for your happiness. She goes on about how I'm a stalker and I listen to her phone calls.

She then says how she's not hiding anything she just needs privacy. I can't resist these statements so I think I need to do a better job of walking away. I had to answer 'there is a difference between privacy and secrecy'

Any suggestions on how to handle this type of thing in the future?


M 40
W 39
D 4
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In house separation
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Originally Posted By: BWP


Any suggestions on how to handle this type of thing in the future?


This one's always good: stare at her incredulously, shake your head in disbelief, and say only "Wow. Unbelievable." And walk away smiling and laughing a little.

Puppy

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Puppy that is so much better than what I said for sure that's in the tool box going forward.

The interesting part is I'm learning a lot about how you can't put much stock in what they say. That interaction she was just so angry and 30 minutes later we are watching TV in the same room and she's joking around and chatting with me.

It shows that the anger in these exchanges isn't really about me but about her and the guilt she likely feels.


M 40
W 39
D 4
M 5 years
Bomb dropped 08/09
In house separation
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It's really self-loathing, if you think about it. It's surely not about you.

Puppy

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My IC is starting to be a lot better. Last session we really focused on the issue at hand which is EA. He floated the idea of a summary email or letter on boundaries and our discussions to W to clearly define where we are.

Thoughts on this?

I'm not sure it accomplishes anything.


M 40
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In house separation
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I agree about the self-loathing...and it is indeed not at all about you...

the letter the IC recommends seems superfluous (sp)...I'm no pro, but just my 2 cents


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I'm not doing the email.

It's funny I'm playing back the conversation from the night I exposed. I never picked up on it before but W actually said 'I think I'm going through a MLC'

Ya think?

Maybe I should be doing some research into that area?


M 40
W 39
D 4
M 5 years
Bomb dropped 08/09
In house separation
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 18,296
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I'm not much into labels -- they're excuses to poor behavior, in my perhaps-old-fashioned opinion.

MLC, BPD, WAW -- whatever. She still had an obligation to talk to you if she was so unhappy that she was going to go outside of your marriage.

Puppy

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