You got a taste of what I was getting at...making it more personal for her. But I still haven't done a good job explaining what I mean. I'll try again. Please let me know how you interpret what I'm saying so I can see if I've done a better job this time.
Please keep in mind that I'm just trying to suggest another way for you to look at this for both yourself and as a way to approach your wife. It may not fit for you at all, but just be willing to give it some open thought.
The message you've been posting here says "I don't feel loved by my W because my W won't have sex with me. She won't meet my needs." What I'm saying is maybe you don't feel loved because your love for your W is taking a hit.
You talk about receiving love through sex. In order to feel loved, you need to experience that love through physical touch. I totally agree that for you love=physical touch. But I'm suggesting that your love for your wife grows from having sex. Not because she is meeting your needs, but because sex itself nurtures your love for her. One reason you don't feel loved BY your wife is because your own love FOR your wife is struggling. It is nurtured and refreshed through sex and you haven't had sex. It's struggling to survive. This struggle is painful and frustrating!
Loving someone is an incredible feeling! We often think it is being loved that is so incredible, and it is. But I think we tend to underestimate how important it is to us and how wonderful it is to love someone. Think about how amazing you feel when you are first in love! That amazing feeling comes as much or more from loving as from being loved!
When we start to feel our love for someone fade, the pain can easily get transformed into "I don't feel loved by you!" But what if the pain is really coming from "I feel my love fading for you"?
I'm not saying that you don't love your wife. But consider the possibility that, because you haven't had sex, your love for her is starting to fade a little and that is what is causing you to feel anger, pain, and frustration. You're losing the incredible gift of loving someone so deeply! The pain of losing that feeling of deeply loving another is making you feel unloved.
Quote: Some how I must learn her language and then I must tell her that if she wishes to love me, it must be in a physical way, and it must be DAILY(but not always sex). I can see where many LD women get turned off by this cause it literally seems like their men are little boys waiting to receieve candy. When your starved for LOVE, how can you avoid this?
She doesn't need sex to feel love for you. It's YOUR love we're trying to get nurtured here not hers. Think of it this way, you may not be the one starved for love. She is. She just doesn't know it.
I fell back in love with my H NOT because he suddenly started meeting my needs. I fell back in love with him because I started nurturing my feelings of love FOR him. I stopped focusing on what I thought I needed to feel loved and started focusing on what I needed to do to feel more loving. It seems counterintuitive, but it works.
So if you need sex to feel more loving, you still need your W's cooperation. Let her know that you want to fall back in love with her and you fall back in love with her every time you have sex with her. Tell her this gently and lovingly. Then give her time to think about what you said. Maybe she isn't into touchy, feely stuff because she's given up on it and doesn't believe it is possible anymore. You'd be letting her know it is possible.
While you're waiting for it to sink in with her, do other things to nurture your loving feelings for your W. Stop doing things that feed into your feelings of resentment and anger. What you spend time on and feed will be what grows. Make yourself focus on what you really like about your wife. Notice what she does right and let her know. Look at her. Smile at her. Express appreciation. These are just suggestions. You're doing them for yourself and to nurture the loving part of you. You're not doing them for her benefit. She will benefit, but that's not the point.
This isn't some magic pill that will turn everything around instantly. She needs to want you to be in love with her. This is where all those changes you're trying to make may help. It's also the reason why you don't want to hurt her back right now. She is unintentionally hurting you. You would be intentionally hurting her. That won't help your cause.
She'll then need to figure out how to get started when the physical desire is not there initially. I agree with Corri, the emotional desire at this point can be very powerful.
Is that any clearer or did I totally muck the waters up? I'll be happy to try again if you need me to.
