Calling all affair annihilators & boundary setters

[courts0818]

I've had it too. My initial reaction was to reply saying something like this, "Redo what? 2 years of cheating on me? lying ur a$$ off, missing half of our daughter's life? making me feel like $hit?...."

BUT, that is the kind of texting wars we've gotten into in the past.

It's just more effective and I guess strategic on my part to ignore?

[courts0818]

So true, puppy! I didn't see your last post until I posted the one above.

[timehealsall]

yeah.. if he is anything like my H, the lack of a response will push him over the edge... if it gets bad, just shut it off.

Hugs to you Court!!

[Gnosis]

Court... here's something for you to think about that goes along with what THA and Puppy have been telling you:

SILENCE can be the LOUDEST scream he will hear.

[courts0818]

I'm confused and don't know if anyone can help...I'm really torn about what to do.

I've been thinking about everything - from the moments leading up to my H moving out (back in October of 2008) to where we are today (he finally admitted an A about 2 weeks ago). I just don't know what to do.

In 2 different text messages, he has commented that he will move back home (I guess if I ask him to). He's also finally acknowledging the pain he's caused DD. He's now focused on her happiness and not his own (it's about damn time!). He seems to be genuinely sorry for how this has affected DD and for the time he's missed with her. This is a new step for him – in the midst of his A, he wouldn't really even acknowledge that this was hurtful to her. He KNEW it was, but he was too wrapped up in the A to admit it.

What I don't understand is why he hasn't apologized to me or really acknowledged the pain this has caused me. He didn't just betray DD; he betrayed me and our vows. I'm having a hard time with this. He's mentioned moving back in, but how can I consider that when he doesn't address things with me? Is this typical of someone who cheats? Is he irrationally feeling like the victim here (yet again)? I don't get it – why no heartfelt apology?

I feel stuck. Since he moved out, I've been praying that he will come back home. Yes, my prayers were also that he wasn't cheating, but...I've wanted him home since he left back in 2008. And I don't know why I feel urgency about this – but I really do. Maybe bc everything has dragged on for 2 years now. I just want closure or to move forward or something.

I've thought about filing and divorcing him. But I think deep down my heart wants to try to forgive him. I'm not sure if I really want him back or if I want my family back together for DD. Nearly every day I see some kind of story, comment, article or something similar that encourages me to fight for this marriage - not just here on the boards, but through Christian radio, blogs, church, other people's stories, books, etc.

I work for my local hospital and we do outreach for children - seeing these kids and broken families, it just makes me want to fight to keep my family together. IDK...I pray for clarity and wisdom and sometimes I think maybe God is placing all of these resources into my life to show me that I should continue to try to save this marriage.

How can I not even know what I want and what is going to make me happy?

I'm reading the "Not Just Friends" book. I haven't gotten very far, but I get a sick feeling in my stomach each time I open it and learn more about affairs. It crushes me when I think about everything.

I'm so confused. Where do I go from here? Should I consider letting him move back in? I know we have to work through this in a proper, healthy way or we’ll be right back here in the future facing a similar issue.

I'm feeling like now that the truth is out, it's time to do something - but what do I do? It’s it normal for me to have all these questions with such urgency – or have I finally lost my mind?

[timehealsall]

You need to sort yourself out.

Just because he JUST woke up after 2 years and wants to move back in, doesn't mean you need to jump and give him an answer.

Give it some time.

He does seem remorseful about how it hurt your DD but hasn't said anything about you. Has he mentioned that he wants to work on the marriage or is he looking to have an inhouse separation so he can see your DD?

My H has ZERO remorse for his A. He sees how his absence affected our children, but NONE with regards to me.

Will he go to counseling?

I'm reading not just friends as well and it makes me sick sometimes too. but it's VERY informative especially getting inside my H's thinking while he was having his A.

Hang in there. we are here for each other!

[maple]

Courts,

I think my deciding factor to stay in my M after discovering 2 affairs was that I did not want any regrets later down the road that I did not try hard enough.

But I think deep down my heart wants to try to forgive him.

I too felt this way. Somedays, I feel that I made the wrong decision and I am not sure it will work out for us but for the most part, I try to focus on the small changes we both have been making and realize that it does take time.

If you decide to let H move back be sure to make yourself a list and set some boundaries.

My H refused to move out but when we decided we both wanted to work on our M,
I told H that these were my conditions:

1. H had to commit to MC
2. No contact with OW
3. STD tests
4. Transparency plan - able to view cell phone, email accounts, etc...

We have been piecing since Jan and its only the last couple of weeks H is truly showing remorse.

Do you go to IC?

[Virtually_Handsome]

This is a good time to move really slowly. Give yourself a chance to catch up. Heck, give him a chance to catch up. I vote for being still, for the moment.

[thegoodfight]

It sounds like you know exactly what you want. I read you want your H to show remorse, change, and an active desire to earn your trust back. So ask him what his plan is to implement what you need to have a loving marriage again. If he is in the right place he can answer you.

I believe the advice of sorting out your feelings, at least to some degree, is important. If he is in the right place and you turn him away, it could crush his spirit and will. On the flip side sometimes we want something so bad until we get it and then we think I don't want that anymore. Only you know what your heart/spirit wants. Remember we are what we think. When we think positive and things can work out, low and behold they often do. When we stop believing in the positive and focus on the negative, even the best gifts in the world do not have appeal. Peace and Prosperity!

[pearlharbr]

As someone who has been piecing for the last year, I think the best thing you can do right now is nothing. You're still digesting. It feels like everything is urgent now but that too will pass.

The worst thing you can do would be to have H move back in right away. You're not ready, H hasn't proven that he's ready. Money is not a good enough reason. He needs to show you over time that he really wants to work on building a new R.

Finish reading Not Just Friends. There are chapters towards the end that discuss how to move forward either with your H or not. I also recommend After the Affair as a great resource.

Piecing is hard. Extremely hard. Harder than you think it will be. I'm not saying this to scare you or to deter you. I just think you should understand that it's going to take a lot of strength, energy and patience. You both need to be mentally prepared for that before cohabiting again.

And yes, part of that is that it may take some time for H to apologize to you. BF apologized to me right away but he didn't sound sincere. I got a few more before I thought he truly understood the depth of pain he caused and was sorry for causing it. However it did take him over six months to ask for forgiveness and that was almost a dealbreaker for me.

The things that maple listed were required in my sitch too and were all in place a couple months before I let him move back in.