Quote: I wonder what it is or what event occurs that triggers this change in the LD person. I suspect the change is usually due to some event, such as a separation or serious threat of divorce that triggers a change in attitude. I believe that in our case, unless this change comes about, any form of meaningful compromise will not be possible.
The event that occurred for me was when I read the SSM book. It was through Michele's descriptions of other couple's sex arguments (that were eerily very much like my H and mine), and her explaination of what sex really meant to HDers, that I was able to understand how much I had been unintentionally hurting my H, and what sex really meant to him.
Though he tried several times and in several ways to explain this to me himself, he was usually so frustrated and/or angry that instead of me hearing what he was saying, all I heard was the anger. So I, without guilt, was able to dismiss his 'claims.'
I'm not proud of that. Hearing all this through a third party, who I feel was able to explain things in such a manner as to not 'blame' me for my obstusenss, was what allowed me to find it in myself to admit how wrong I was and allow understand to break through my thick head.
And, thank God, my H never once threw it in my face by saying 'I told you so!!' He was just damn happy I had changed.
I have to say that my H and I were on the brink of going the divorce route (he was and so was I). Only until we both had that very real 'reality slap in the face' were we both ready and willing to start working together to find our solutions instead of working against one another.
I don't think you should ever threaten anyone with divorce in order for them to have sex with you. However, if you get to the point that you think you have tried everything under the sun (including marriage counseling), and you just can't think of anything else... well, sometimes leaving -- without anger and accusation -- IS the only way to break through the spouse's fog. I think this is the absolute Last Resort Tactic... but, sometimes it is the only thing that penetrates the fog.
And if/when you do leave, you know in your heart that there is a very real possibility that you won't ever go back -- AND YOU ACCEPT THAT. If you use this as a ploy, it will backfire in your face so fast you will wonder what hit you.
CeMar, I think you need to get into counseling even if your wife won't go. It is a big, BIG indication to her in a nonverbal way, that you are not happy -- not only with the lack of sex in your life, but with your entire marriage.
I hear many HDers say that, "with the exception of my sex life, I have a great marriage." I think that is bull pucky. I don't think you have any idea how tumultuous and unhappy most of your marriage is because you are so focused on one very important aspect of it. I can only tell you through my own experience that once my H and I got our sex issues straightened out, a number of other aspects to our relationship outside the bedroom improved dramatically as well.
Just my opinion. I think, if the two of you have not been to counseling, you should go on your own, whether or not your wives go with you.
I don't think it is a sin against humanity or the sanctity of marriage to proclaim that we are 'unhappy' with the state of things. I personally believe you owe it to your spouses to make sure they are crystal clear about your state of unhappiness (and not just with the sex). But then YOU must DO something about it, and going to a marriage counselor is an amazing first step. You are no longer dependent on your spouse to change or take care of your unhappiness. You take that power away from them, and believe me, they WILL notice.
