is my WAH in an MLC (need some experts!)?

[pandora]

so today has been ok too emotionally. H brother asked us how we were doing today. we had told him this weekend...now he's in the hospital after complications with a heart procedure. it was sad when H bro asked us if his situation had changed anything. H said no, and i know it was heartbreaking for bro. I ached for him but understood how long it has taken me to even start comprehending this so can't imagine what our families will go through. we're of south asian background so divorce is SO uncommon...they really just won't get it either. i spent the last year worrying about them too and just recently have realized that there is nothing i can do for them. the sitch sucks and well, that's it.

btw, was reading the article about the Anderson book. i'll tell you that i've actually done the "separation therapy" with my IC. as part of my grieving after our son's death, i dealt with a lot of past issues including mostly abandonment issues as a child. i did this specific exercise using EMDR and it was fascinating...and really worked! basically the way she describes it in the article is how it feels...it's so healing. the therapy then, along with going to a holistic practitioner were so helpful for me to move past things, grow and gain new perspective.

seriously though, who knew, that a year later, i would be dealing with this too. that's why i'm especially tired. i guess i didn't learn the lesson clearly enough...life seriously is out of our control.

so focus on myself...do you all have any suggestions...more on an emotional level? i'm trying really hard with the thought stopping, trying to detach, but i don't want it to last a few days and then i plummet again.

[pandora]

also, wanted to throw this out there to get your perspective. i've been working with DB coach and she has some very interesting techniques that make a lot of sense (how to respond to his behaviors, being less intense, etc). through our discussions, she feels that H doesn't feel like he measures up in our marriage. she suggested that i let the dust settle...let H know through actions that i get that we're getting divorced but still be playful, exude positive energy, be interesting, don't talk about R at all (if he brings it up, just acknowledge and affirm)...this is based on her expertise and also that we know that he reacts well during these times (he'll be extra nice and do kind things for me).

it does make a lot of sense, it works, and i like it but is that me still trying to "fix" situation?

[pandora]

also, this is the preliminary step to the work we'll do over the next few weeks/months..

[TrentC]

through our discussions, she feels that H doesn't feel like he measures up in our marriage. she suggested that i let the dust settle...let H know through actions that i get that we're getting divorced but still be playful, exude positive energy, be interesting, don't talk about R at all (if he brings it up, just acknowledge and affirm)...this is based on her expertise and also that we know that he reacts well during these times (he'll be extra nice and do kind things for me).

it does make a lot of sense, it works, and i like it but is that me still trying to "fix" situation?

I think the answer to that depends on your motivation for doing so.

If you are trying to be happy and upbeat because you want him to see you as a happier person and to choose to be with you -- in other words, you're doing it for his benefit -- then it's fixing.

[pandora]

so focus on myself...do you all have any suggestions...more on an emotional level? i'm trying really hard with the thought stopping, trying to detach, but i don't want it to last a few days and then i plummet again.

[TrentC]

Pandora:

If I knew how to stop the thoughts, I'd bottle it and make a fortune. And I hate to break it to you, but you will stumble and fall; we all do. Just pick yourself up and start again.

You cannot change the past; it is set in stone.
You cannot predict the future; it doesn't exist.

Try working on the mindfulness exercise and focus on the present. Do what is in front of you right now.

[trustingfaith]

Pandora, that thought stopping and detaching is a process. Trent is right. You will backslide and fall back into it. The trick is learning how to pull yourself out again and move on. It gets easier as time goes on if you work on it. The "bad" times get fewer and further between and don't last as long. But it is a process and it takes time. You can do this!

[pandora]

thanks TF, Trent, Jack, Mermaid, Celestial, OldPilot, FIB, Trapt, Eric, CW! i actually told my IC about this forum and how it's been a huge support. i wish no one had to go through this but it is helpful to come to a place where people really understand what you're going through.

[pandora]

oh, btw, i just said a forum in general...not anything specific so as to respect folks privacy.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

No one here is going to care who you tell about this place...

AS LONG as you PROTECT it from your SPOUSE.

Keep it from him.

This place is for you, and you don't want him coming here and seeing the stuff you write, the advice you get or the support you have.

That means you don't tell people who will tell him.

Other than that?

You could shout it from the roof tops...as long as he can't hear you.