If I could take your understanding of this problem, bottle it, and sell it, I would be a rich man. It is VERY hard to convince a LD spouse that sex is essentially LOVE to the HD spouse. They always see sex as a physical need, not an EMOTIONAL need. The 5 love languages explains this, and Michele explains this, but man it is hard to explain this to a low desire spouse, mainly cause they are speaking French while HD's speak German. And it is not just sex, but ALL physical touching that I include in this group, since many LD spouses actually lose interest in ALL touching(like my wife). My wife thinks she has addressed the problem, she is "WILLING" to have sex if I literally ask for it. THIS ACTUALLY MAKES THE PROBLEM WORSE IN THE LONG RUN. The LD spouse will eventually feel used(which I think she does), and the HD spouse probably will not be able to reach sexual fullfillment becuase the most important part about sex IS NOT THE SEX! HD spouses could have sex with any WHORE, what we want to have is sex with someone who WANTS the sex FROM US. Think back to high school, like in locker room talk among guys. Want to SLAM a guy, joke about his not getting any! BUT A BIGGER SLAM, maybe the ULTIMATE SLAM, is to joke about how he can't PLEASE his girl. So when a LD spouse says they just are not attracted anymore, or they don't desire sex anymore, THEY HAVE JUST GIVEN THE ULTIMATE HUMILIATION AND REJECTION OF THEIR SPOUSE THAT IS POSSIBLE. A "Willingness" to have sex just REINFORCES that HUMILIATION and rejection. DESIRE is what it is all about, and most LD people never figure this out.
Corri, I have also read the book 5 languages, found it very helpful. I know of course my language is Physical touch, but I am not sure what my wifes is yet. Literally, I now know that for me to receive love, it must be physical in nature, I can not recieve it in any other way. I know that I have always been giving love the same way, and I now know that my wife is NOT hearing me, for obvious reasons. Some how I must learn her language and then I must tell her that if she wishes to love me, it must be in a physical way, and it must be DAILY(but not always sex). I can see where many LD women get turned off by this cause it literally seems like their men are little boys waiting to receieve candy. When your starved for LOVE, how can you avoid this?
Also, Corri, I think I am understanding a little more about my wife. I can get down(not depressed though), and she will ask is everything OK? Of course I will say I am fine, when in reality I am thinking how bad my marriage sucks. But rather then make a scene or get into some heavy relationship discussion, I just say fine. But don't women want us guys to OPEN up to them, let them into our THOUGHTS and EMOTIONS. This is a PRELUDE to emotional connection, which preludes intimacy. But how to start opening up without it becoming HEAVY? I WANT to STOP saying fine, and let her know what I am thinking, but not with anything to HEAVY. Let's face it, I am not to good with opening up to her. I need to coneect with her on her terms.
