CeMar:

Quote:

I am also beginning to think that in many HD/LD relationships that the LD spuose gets enough of the first 4 love languages that they literally don't see a big problem, and even though things may not be great, they get enough to be somewhat satisfied. Now for the HD spouse, they are in the 5th love language, touch. This language seem to be very hard for some LD people so they AVOID IT. Since being LD is SO prevalent, I think that society has CONNED people in to believing the "It's only sex" line. I know my wife has told me this on occassion. You see it all the time on these boards even, and we are the more "ENLIGHTENED" people when it comes to relationships. It's like sex and touch are "lessor" emotional needs. Heck, most LD people probably would even value them even lower as only being "Physical" needs for 1 person. Heck, even some HD people on here have basically given up on their sex lives and yet claim that they can have an acceptbale marriage. Maybe us HD folks are becomming "Enablers", people that enable someone else to keep up a bad habit. We keep feeding the LD people enough love in their love languages to keep a tolerable marriage, while letting them off the hook on the sex side.



I think you are onto something significant here in your understanding. I agree with you totally that most LD people have most of their needs met through other love languages, and so therefore do not miss the physical aspect of communicating as much as HDs.

But I don't know that WITHHOLDING from your partner is going to lead them to greater understanding. Two wrongs don't make a right, hm? Now, I know it brings a bizarre sense of satisfaction to 'hurt back,' but I don't think you can teach empathy through negative behavior.

Though my own 'physical desire level' has not changed in the least, what DID change for me was my understanding of how deeply I was hurting my H, and that in fact sex was not 'just sex' to him. When I was able to understand that, and when I realized how important physical closeness was for me too (though I'd never say I 'crave' it), my desire to change my behaviors, my desire to reach out to him, my desire to NOT hurt him, my desire to strengthen and deepen our love went through the roof.

Does that make any sense to you?

I enjoy sex, and I ALWAYS have an orgasm, but I just don't experience physcial desire the way I think you may, and my H does. It's not in my realm of understanding because I have never experienced it that way myself. However, I now understand that just because I don't experience the world this way, does NOT mean that he doesn't, or that it is not a legitimate way to feel. I acknowledge his desires and the importance of them to him, and I do all I can to honor them and 'rise to the occassion' -- the knowledge that I am doing something that means so much to him is what 'fuels' my desire levels during sex. So I guess my 'emotional desire' is every bit as potent as his 'physical desire.'

You made a post somewhere about your wife sitting with her friends 'husband bashing,' and I can tell you I used to do this, and I am in complete agreement with you that these types of discussions are VERY damaging, not only to the husbands who may overhear them, but to the women participating in the discussion. I would love to challenge any and all of those women to stop their negative discourse and try to turn their entire conversation into finding the positives.

Those women (and I was one them not so long ago) are stuck in a very self-centered view of the world. It's mean, it's cruel, and it is self-destructive because all they do is reinforce some very serious misperceptions.

My point here is that if you could find a way to communicate to your wife how deeply you're hurting, and that sex is far more to you than 'just getting off,' -- I really feel she will find the ability to change.

Is she willing to read SSM? Would she be willing to go to one of Michele's couple's seminars with you?

Corri