Funny. I called her while I was driving to her apartment, said I'm on my way, have the boys packed up. She sent them out when I got there. She stayed up on the 3rd floor balcony, yelled down that I could drop them off in the morning.
Got to the house and - the dog was inside. ??? Happily I didn't find any poop or pee in the house, but what the heck? She left the dog inside all day?
So - I grilled some chicken breasts I'd had sitting in BBQ sauce for the last couple of days, got the boys to bed, and suddenly I'm realizing today - not only am I good at this - I'm actually happy. When did that happen?
Calling into a meeting in a little bit, which is OK, the boys are in bed. I may actually have a good shot at achieving the balance that W wanted me to. Just took her leaving.
Sounds good Bill! I am already starting to see some more respect coming from your wife. It is important that you don't come accross as being "mean" to her though. Be nice but, tell her how it is!
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Yuk, bad memories on that one Bill. I remember reaching a point where I had to tell my ex that we would never be friends. FriendLY maybe, but never friends. Friends do not do what many of our spouses have done in their rush to be free.
As for you, if you can just continue on the path you are on now, I predict that you will be great in the end.
It absolutely IS a great feeling to realize that you CAN have a good and happy life on your own. It's also good, perhaps especially as a man, to realize that you CAN be a Dad who can do everything that needs done to care and nurture your kids.
It's an awesome feeling and terrific place to be.
As for the rest? Let time take care of that. I don't hear you slamming shut doors. But I do hear you saying "enough for now." And there is not a thing wrong with that.
Press on.....with strength and honor.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks guys! Haven't been on for awhile. Just busy I guess.
So here's the funny thing - regarding the whole DBing thing about making changes for yourself...
W said to me yesterday that I'm completely different now. Happy, alive, engaged, better relationship with the boys, talkikng to the neighbors, etc. She had a friend say to her that the 8 years we've lived in that house, she's never seen me, now she sees me all the time out in town. Funny.
And where it seemed that not too long ago I couldn't get out of bed or focus on everything, now I'm running this household, taking care of the kids, doing my job, etc. This weekend I started taking apart some of the entryway to the house because the wood was rotting, without much reservation about taking on a moderately involved home-improvement project.
Anyway, so I kind of said to her, well what about that? And she said - that she thinks she enabled me to be unhappy. Whatever issues she had with me in our R - she thinks that she's the cause (or at least the catylist), and that our dynamic just doesn't work.
Well, how's that for DBing. Anyway, that's OK, not expecting or hoping to put the M back together now, I am pretty happy at the moment. And W and I are actually in a good place with talking and working together.
Anyway... triplet mom has brought her kids over a couple of times to play with my twins; she asked me to look after her 16-year old for a week while they're out of town. This all has made STBX extremely angry. She's basically writing off triplet mom as her friend at this point, this has made her so upset.
Bill, thanks for sharing your story, it lifted my mood...I hope to be where you are someday and I look forward to it.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Anyway, so I kind of said to her, well what about that? And she said - that she thinks she enabled me to be unhappy. Whatever issues she had with me in our R - she thinks that she's the cause (or at least the catylist), and that our dynamic just doesn't work.
That's an egocentric view of the world for your W I think. I believe each of us are responsible for our own happiness. In my case, I've figured out what I need to do to make myself happy; I don't look to others to do that for me. You were responsible for your own depression, and now you are responsible for your own happiness. As it should be.
And your W writing off triplet mom as a friend--prob. not a bad idea....
Your wife has seen and heard about the positive changes in you. She has not made positive changes. She has proceeded with the "addition by subtraction" approach to her life.
She attempts to justify leaving you because it allows her to put a positive spin on what she's done - perhaps the only positive that she can put her finger on right now.
There is an old line that goes, "The best revenge is a life well lived." Now I'm not suggesting that you have or should be trying for revenge for what your wife has done. But I do think that when any of us can reach the point in our lives where we are truly prospering again, it's an amazing thing. Suddenly the bleakness of those early days of separation, those first post-bomb days, they just don't seem quite as dark and frightening.
You are thriving because you chose to move forward and claim your life back. It's the most important thing that ANYONE who comes to this site can do for themselves. If there is any magic pill in DB'ing, this is it.
I don't want to do anything to distract you from where you are because you are currently in such a strong and healthy place. So please read my next words with a healthy grain of salt and then ignore them...
Your wife is impressed by you. She is noticing you. And part of her is a little bit miffed that this version of you is appearing now. And eventually she is going to move in your direction again.
That will be a really big test for you Bill.
Blessings,
the other Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bill, thanks for sharing your story, it lifted my mood...I hope to be where you are someday and I look forward to it.
Well, I'm glad - and you will be. I think it really just takes time. I'm hoping I can sustain this, I know how the roller coaster works, but it is overall an upward trend.
I noticed at work somebody posted pictures of their newborn, and I had that twinge - memories that I share with only STBX. It's sad, but there's nothing I can do about it.
Originally Posted By: karen43
That's an egocentric view of the world for your W I think. I believe each of us are responsible for our own happiness. In my case, I've figured out what I need to do to make myself happy; I don't look to others to do that for me. You were responsible for your own depression, and now you are responsible for your own happiness. As it should be.
Originally Posted By: Bworl
She attempts to justify leaving you because it allows her to put a positive spin on what she's done - perhaps the only positive that she can put her finger on right now.
Yeah. I agree. I'm responsible for my own happiness. I think I've known that intellectually, but am feeling it now. It was really a suprise to me recently to discover that I am happy.
Anyway, if I were still invested in turning things around, it would be really frustrating. She also points out - second time around - she believes this isn't sustainable with her around. Well, whatever.
Originally Posted By: karen43
And your W writing off triplet mom as a friend--prob. not a bad idea....
Karen, I was waiting for you to say that.
I called STBX last night to ask about insurance cards for the boys - she had a mutual (to all of us) friend over, and she was all worked up about this again. This is about to be a big mess.
Originally Posted By: v1olin
Don't beleive what they say and only 50% of what they do.
Yeah - it's really interesting how much she still cares, measured by some of her responses to things...
Originally Posted By: Bworl
But I do think that when any of us can reach the point in our lives where we are truly prospering again, it's an amazing thing. Suddenly the bleakness of those early days of separation, those first post-bomb days, they just don't seem quite as dark and frightening.
You are thriving because you chose to move forward and claim your life back. It's the most important thing that ANYONE who comes to this site can do for themselves. If there is any magic pill in DB'ing, this is it.
Those early days were bad. I bought a song the other day, and it's significant to me because, back last summer, I remember laying in bed night after night not sleeping, essentially being in a stupor, and somehow that completely arbitrary song was playing in my head nonstop, sort of throbbing and dark. Listening to it now just made me remember how that dark place felt. It's like a bad dream now, I had almost forgotten. Wow.
And I do feel like I have my life back now. There is actually balance. I was consumed by work before; I was disengaged. Honestly, now I HAVE to have balance. There's no choice. But it feels good. At least it does now.
Originally Posted By: Bworl
Your wife is impressed by you. She is noticing you. And part of her is a little bit miffed that this version of you is appearing now. And eventually she is going to move in your direction again.
That will be a really big test for you Bill.
She has actually said that she's impressed, and that it does suck that she's seeing this NOW. She said, "I knew you had it in you."
Sheesh, not like I was a slug before. But I wasn't in a great place. It really sucks that I had to come down this road for life to be better, for me to get some perspective and balance. But I'm getting to the point that the regrets don't seem that strong now, it is what it is and the future is good, if not what I had planned.
I don't know if she's going to come in my direction again. She's pushing hard to get the settlement signed and to get this over with. But she does continue to say things like, once we get this out of the way... like there's some "let's see" in the future.
A test? Yeah, I suppose you're right. It's not like my behavior or decisions have been anything resembling consistancy. Or good judgement. I have been completely clumbsy in a number of things I've done. I don't honestly believe we could put this back together now in any event, not in a healthy way anyway, and even if she did come my direction I don't honestly believe she would come very far.
Guys, thank you very much for your replies and your support.
