Looking for help with WAW

[Glimmerman]

mza8

Sounds good. You know your wife better than most anyone and it sounds like you did just fine. She set the boundary for how she was willing to meet you and her boundary was acceptable to you, so that will work fine for now.

Others on this board may disagree with me, but I think it takes the W a LOT longer to get over stuff than it does the H.

[mza8]

Thanks GM.

W just emailed me that she could meet me at the house at 6pm tonight. That gives us 1/2 hour alone before the realtor arrives. Eventhough I would have liked dinner with W tonight, I think her willingness to meet with me (just the two of us) is ok too. I think her agreeing to meet alone with me tonight takes more courage than meeting in a public place for dinner.

I agree with you about it taking the W longer. I've been over the "shock and awe" of this for awhile now. I've come to terms with my sitch. I understand why she left. I know she needs to see consistency (job, personal changes) if there is any chance. I would love to get where you are with your W. At least your W is willing to talk about the M and what needs to be done for reconciliation. It's good that your W initiates and asks you to dinner and conversations. I'm happy for you and hope it continues.

I'm hoping that after my W and I sign the listing agreement for the house tonight and put that behind us, my W will get to where your W is and begin to discuss our M with me. In the meantime I continue to be patient.

[Glimmerman]

I hope the best for you tonight. If I can give you an advice from my situation, it's that I did not push or pressure. I just listened to what my W had to say. But when she said something I was curious about, I did not hesitate to ask her stuff like "what do you mean by that?", or "when do you first remember me doing something like that?"

Her answering questions will let you know a lot more than most anything. But you also need to be careful to come across conversational about it and not make her feel like she is being interrogated. It's a fine line that I'm sure I messed up on a few times. I guess the bottom line for me is that I decided I WANTED to know what she was thinking so I could decide IF I needed to respond, and if so, how.

[gucci loafer]

I think her agreeing to meet alone with me tonight takes more courage than meeting in a public place for dinner.

Where did you come up with that analysis?

[Glimmerman]

mza8

Hope all went well for you. Update from me. Met with my W and we are now discussing saving the M. I'll fill you in more later.

[mza8]

GM, that's awesome! Great news. Sounds like you have opened the door with your W.

Meeting with my W tonight went well. I've got a lot on my mind right now so I'll give a better update later.

After we signed the listing contract my W burst into tears. Broke my heart. I reached out my hand and she grabbed it. I went over to her, put my arm around her and said everything is going to be ok. She had to leave for an exercise class. She walked out crying and trying to get herself together. I emailed her later in the evening just asking if she was ok. I got emotional as I typed the email. I could care less if the email could be pursuing, pressuring or anything else, I really could care less. I needed to reach out and be there for my W tonight. I told her that I wasn't looking for a reply. I just wanted to make sure she was ok and that everything will be ok.

I know deep down she doesn't want to sell the house. Now I know why she didn't want to help with the housework. She didn't want to be in the house knowing we were going to sell it. God I can be thick-headed at times.

Just trying to get myself together. It was a tough night. Tough to see her cry. She did come over before and we talked about some house stuff. She brought the bag of mulch and had a door key made. She did everything she said she was going to do. Proud of my W.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

mza,
I saw you posted me on that new thread I created. It seemed to bring a lot out of me.
I know I said I thought I saw a small positive sign from W but I feel like I am getting nowhere.

My W hasn't contacted me about the meetig and I wish she just would to get it over with. I want to know how I should persuing MY future.

I have a phone session Saturday and want to talk to her about my plan.

I am OK if my W says were done. I do care but I can't live like this any more.

All I want to do is get the ball rolling. Just b/c we meet to talk about the post nupt., it doesn't mean it's over.
I need to give her the impression it is over

[mza8]

Update on my sitch. I haven't posted much because I needed a break from here...got to take a break from thinking about my sitch. I also don't know what else I can say or do at this point other than to keep doing what I'm doing and remain patient.

Things are the same. W and I are friendly, no arguing, communicate frequently, no R talks, etc. Yea, limbo land. I hadn't heard from her since last Wednesday when we met to sign the listing agreement to sell the house. She cried after we signed. I emailed her later to make sure she was ok and didn't hear from her until yesterday. I didn't want to pressure her. I gave her space as I know it was difficult for her to put the house for sale. I just waited for her to contact me. She emailed me last night and thanked me for thinking of her. She said it is hard for her to sell the house but it's the right thing to do. I don't know how to take her comments. I think I did ok with asking her if she was ok and perhaps I was as she thanked me for thinking of her. I also think it's good that she is able to be honest with me that it is hard for her to sell the house. Who knows?

Every day I try not to make this about me (what I want) and keep in mind that she needs space (keep it about my W and her feelings). However, some days it is hard. I do see positives and that is good. I continue to be positive with her and give her space. I also cotninue to work on me and remain consistent with my changes. Her birthday is in two weeks so that brings up the question of how to handle it.

Yesterday she also asked me how the open house went. I replied back that it went well and gave her the update. Frustrating that she didn't respond to my email update to acknowledge it. That's ok, at least she initiated the contact and especially since it was the first contact after our meeting last Wednesday to list the house. That waa a tough night for her. I told her that she means more to me than any house. She knows how I feel and that I'm here for her in any way I can be.

I'd like to ask her to lunch for her birthday but don't know if that's a good idea. This friendliness is great but at some point we need to talk. I don't want to push her but this waiting is not helping address the issues in our sitch.

That's all for now. I guess I'll continue with the status quo for now.

[soleil]

Hey Mza. Just popping in your thread to say Hi. You seem like you're doing a lot better and that is great

[mza8]

Hi soleil, so good to hear from you again.

I do feel a lot better about myself. I'm happy again with my life.

I looked in on your thread and it seems like things are going along ok...slowly with a few bumps but still moving forward in a good direction for you and your H. Keep doing what your doing.

Reading you sitch and other Ws on here, I've realized something about me. It seems like some Hs who get a second chance stop doing the work once they get back with their Ws. For the life of me I can't understand that. Why would someone work so hard to get a second chance and then stop the work? Makes me think the work was fake and only to get their WAS back. If my W would give me a second chance I would continue to bust my a$$ everyday. I would never want to go back to this place. If a WAS gives the LBS another chance and they blow it then I can understand if the WAS wants to move on. I've been consistent with my changes everyday. I think if the LBS really does their changes for themselves then any reconciliation would be at least a little easier because the changes are for real. Just my opinion.

For the past couple of days I've felt a bit helpless. I feel like there is something else I should be doing to help my sitch. I feel like I want to do something for my W. Ask her to talk or out to lunch or dinner. Something. I don't know. I don't want to bring up MC again right now. I don't know if she would be willing yet. I feel like we will never have a chance if we don't talk. Sigh...I just want to talk to her. We could go and talk about the news for an hour, I don't care what we talk about.

I've had a few people tell me recently that they think my W will come around. They have talked with my W and they believe the M isn't over. That's great but honestly I am so tired of hearing this from other people. I want to hear it from my W. I want to know that she still feels something.

As a loving H I will keep backing off. I don't know everything she is going through or feeling. I would love for her to tell me. I wouldn't try to fix it as I did in the past. I would just listen. I want to tell my W that I'm proud of the strong, independent person she has become. I want to tell her that I like this new person she has become and would like to get to know this person. I would love to know what interests her, what moves her, what goals she has in life. I feel like like I did when my W and I first dated 19 years ago. I wanted to know everything about her. I want the same again. I want to know everything about my W. I don't know why I ever stopped putting the effort in to wanting to know and understand my W. I guess life got in the way but I don't want to make excuses.

So here I am after 6 long months. I know it's not as long as others but still just as grueling. So much with me has changed for the better. This M can and should be saved. As excited as I am to want to get to know my W again, I am just as excited to have her get to know me again (my likes, dislikes, goals, etc.).

Ok, enough of the long venting. Going back to my holding pattern now.