pigskin, you have posted the most on my thread and our families are similar with age of kids and so forth. I do value your opinion. You give great advice and need to start following that great advice. You sound like a great person who is having trouble letting go just as I am. I am praying for you and hope God answers those prayers the way you want him to. I hope he answers mine the way I want. Human nature. We have to listen, though. Sometimes he speaks so quietly.
True that, brother. And thanks.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I did as you said and, wow, if only there were some way to get her to read and understand this!
I need to break her addiction but only she can do it.
Unbelievable!
Sadly, you can't teach an adulterer. All you can do is land little "truth darts" every now and again.
Once I did the research, and really began to understand that affairs are an ADDICTION, and the people in them ADDICTS, everything else began to make sense. THIS is why people throw away careers, and ministries, and marriages, and relationships. It's what made an otherwise sane, intelligent female astronaut drive across country, from TX to FL, wearing an adult diaper, rather than have to make bathroom stops so she could get there sooner to "avenge her man."
As I was so kindly told, last night I said and did nothing. She was making supper for the kids and asked if I wanted to eat. I said no thank, I need to finish cutting the grass and have some other things to do outside. I went and told the kids hi and then went outside. After a while, she came out and held up swings and other things so I could mow under them. She said S4 wanted a ride on tractor and put him on my lap. I shut the mower off and drove him around the property for a while. He loves a tractor ride!
Finished that and did some other things, went in, told the kids I wouldn't be home when they went to bed and gave them all a kiss good-night. She asked where I was going and I told her my Dad needed some help with some things at his house and I would be home later.
I got home @10:30 and took a shower and she was asleep on the couch. I didn't wake her. I was exhausted from no sleep the night before and fell asleep instantly.
When I woke up this morning, she was in bed also. Got the kids ready and off to school. I got ready and told her good-bye and left.
It felt good to not worry about egg shells. I know now she doesn't care if she pisses me off or hurts my feelings. I thought before, maybe she just didn't realize it. How stupid.
Still trying and hoping and learning. I learned a lot in the last two or three days.
Thanks for the help. I know it's not over yet, I have a ways to go. I will be OK no matter what, even if I haven't totally convinced myself of that yet. Getting there.
As I was so kindly told, last night I said and did nothing. She was making supper for the kids and asked if I wanted to eat. I said no thank, I need to finish cutting the grass and have some other things to do outside. I went and told the kids hi and then went outside. After a while, she came out and held up swings and other things so I could mow under them. She said S4 wanted a ride on tractor and put him on my lap. I shut the mower off and drove him around the property for a while. He loves a tractor ride!
Finished that and did some other things, went in, told the kids I wouldn't be home when they went to bed and gave them all a kiss good-night. She asked where I was going and I told her my Dad needed some help with some things at his house and I would be home later.
I got home @10:30 and took a shower and she was asleep on the couch. I didn't wake her. I was exhausted from no sleep the night before and fell asleep instantly.
When I woke up this morning, she was in bed also. Got the kids ready and off to school. I got ready and told her good-bye and left.
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's DONE.
If that were a dismount, I.D.U., I'd say you stuck that sucka!!
Just continue to strike that same tone and demeanor, and you'll do fine.
Puppy
P.S. Next time, when she asks you where you're going, just say "Out -- got a couple of things I need to do. I won't be late." (and then don't be)
I will continue to strive for that "same tone and demeanor." I know that it will help the entire sitch and my own sanity. The roller coaster of emotions, highs and lows can be so overwhelming. As I am always reminded, I can't control her, only myself.
I am much calmer today compared to yesterday. I think I am prepared for these things and I disappoint myself when I realize that I'm not.
Thanks again to all for helping calm me down. I'm sure it will be the last time that I need help recouperating like that. Yeah, right! I do try to learn from my mistakes. This can all be so confusing at times. I don't want anyone to think that I am ignoring their advice or that I'm afraid to do the things that are suggested. (OK-I am still afraid to do some things, but am getting better and stronger!)
I can feel in my heart that the hardest is yet to come. I can only hope that the changes in myself and help from God, family and friends will give me the strength to do what I need to do in the way I need to do it.
BTW, friends include all of you here. It does feel that way even though most of us will never meet. I can only imagine where I would be right now if I hadn't found this place. I know I have to do the heavy lifting myself, but the guidance from people who have been there before or are going through it themselves is priceless.
When I got home last night, kids were all outside playing. They all ran up and gave me hugs. I can never get enough of those! Wanted me to stay and play. I told them I was going to change clothes and then be back out. Went in the house and W say hi, do you want to eat? I said sure, thanks. Some small talk, not much. I changed clothes and went back outside. Played with kids for a while and then started weed eating. I did that until dark.
When I came in, she had started showers. One of the twins wanted to practice guitar so we did that for a while. He is getting very good at it and seems to enjoy it. He needs to practice a little more but is doing great.
I helped put the kids in bed then went out in the shed to piddle. Came in the house and took a shower. W was watching TV. Stuck my head in the room and told her I was going to bed.
This morning was OK. A little more relaxed. She has a track meet all day and told me where the younger kids would be and where to pick them up. I told the boys good luck in the meet, have fun, try your best but I would be proud whether they won or not. I walked them down our lane and got them on the bus. When I got back to the house, W was in shower. I stuck my head in the bathroom and told her I was leaving. She said wait a minute, she was almost done. She came out, wrapped in a towel and talked for a few minutes, then I left.
Like I said, a little more relaxed this morning. My mind wanders sometimes if it's because she has made up her mind that it's over. I push the thought out as quickly as I can. I know not to mind read, but the thought pops in there. I will not let it control me. I have more time, I know.
We'll see what happens next and if I am strong enough to put eveyones advice into action. I know, there is no trying, only doing.
Thanks for the encouragement, PDT. I'll take all that I can get of that from everyone! God help those who help themselves, right?
BTW, one big GAL: I was in a band when I met my W 15 years ago. I quit when we started a family. I will occasionly set in with different bands that I got to know if they need a singer or guitar player for the night. At the school dance Sat., I was talking with the band and they happened to mention that their male singer had quit the weekend before and the girl singer had to do all the singing and they had to leave out a bunch of good songs and hoped they could find someone pretty quick to take his place. So, long story short, I am sitting in with them Fri. and Sat. night as my "audition". Not really too worried if I make the band or not, I don't even know them, but it will be fun. And if we do decide that we fit and the chemistry is there, so much the better.
Playing out is a blast, no feeling like it in the world. The little extra money would be nice right now, too!
You know, the basic bar band stuff: Allman Bros., Bad Company, Seeger, The Boss, etc. Some good country and Eagles, Poco. I love stuff with a lot of harmony. We always played a lot of Fleetwood Mac. Throw in some SRV, Buddy Guy, and some '80's hair metal, I've about played it all.
I wish I could sing like Steve Perry, but I have to pick stuff that a normal human being can actually sing!
