Well...more to the story. I figured out that he took "her" on a weekend away last month to someplace he told me he could never take anyone else to since it was "our" place.
Doesn't talking divorce destroy many other promises, too? It doesn't take the pain away to notice, but all of this is a process that causes pain unless you run away. Detatching emotions from the event (depersonalizing it) may help a bit, but you need to get through the emotions without dumping on your H. With an EA/PA, it must hurt so much more, but reconciling is your choice.
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I feel like if I go, my attitude toward him now will be cold and he will pick up on it right away.
Only you can decide that. I think you should go because it might offer you hope and top off your love bank enough to feel good about him and he about you.
Only God knows why he's ended the affair, but then told you the damage is too great. I'm guessing, but I wonder if you are or were venting/dumping, which he deserves but won't help.
Take a leap of faith. It is one week away. I was told to call a truce between W and I. We did fight while there, but we also ML.
He has needs, so do you. To be a happier married family, you'll need to do some soul searching this week and begin trying to meet those needs of his (and yours). Getting on with your life and improving it, showing him the olive branch, and offering yourself and him hope can make a huge step much easier.
BTW- What is the worst that could happen if you went? Right now, things look pretty bleak.
I am not sure you understand....he has NOT called off the affair. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he spends this weekend with her. I have been the ONE since December trying to get him to come back to me. Also, forget about the ML this next weekend, he told me that he did not want me to come on to him sexually that it is not the right "place" for that. Plus, now that he has done it with her, he feels guilty about touching me. Even though I will try and look my best at bedtime, I seriously doubt anything will happen. OK, I will keep the olive branch out there next weekend and take the leap of faith but this is so hard to go into when I have no idea where his head is with this. Let me ask your opinion....I told him I will leave him alone until I see him next Friday night. Something I have not done in the whole four months we have been separated and something he said was a "turn off" because I wouldn't leave him alone....so....when I meet him in the lobby of the hotel next Friday night, what would you say is the best way to greet him?
I'm so sorry to hear that. When you said "was unfaithful" I thought you meant past-tense.
Maybe you should post in the "affairs" section.
I would still consider going to Retrouv if he wants to go. He may realize that by getting the love back, you may be much happier together. My guess is that the OW might be discouraging him if she thought she'd lose him to you.
You must be feeling really awful. I hope you can find the strength to get through it all in a way that you can feel successful - married or not.
BTW - if he feels guilty, and you are willing, start off slow and let him see that you are OK with it and would love to have him go further. If it did, a good night with you might turn his head another direction (toward you).
I get the leaving alone. When my W is on my case and won't leave me alone when I'm flooded, I feel very angry.
In the week, enjoy yourself. Be happy and go out for coffee with a friend. Have some story to share with your H that shows you are a woman that is more confident, and calm despite the awful things going around.
I'd greet him with a hug or kiss on the cheek if I were a woman...but you'll have to decide what you feel is best.
He's really screwed up. You've probably made some mistakes, too. If after the weekend you decide you've had enough, you can move on with your life knowing that you can have a better relationship with another man later. If you feel there's hope, you can (later) ask him to cut off the OW contact.
Some people dealing with affairs here (and some authors) suggest demanding a 100% cut off with the OW. I think that makes sense, but only when his "love bank" is high enough for you that there is hope. He doesn't sound too hopeful.
TBL's wife was having an affair, but I'm not sure how bad it was. I suspect that on the weekend, your H may bring it up. If not, the weekend is not a place or time for confrontations. It is to try to get enough love to see what way you can move forward.
Have the best week you can, read some books to understand him and you better, and try a 180 or two.
Really starting to panic about this weekend with Retrouvaille. Not sure how to act with my husband this weekend since we have been separated for almost four months. I don't want to blow this but, I am scared to death at the same time of what to expect. How much is addressed about the lack of love and sex in the marriage during the weekend?
Congratulations on going to a Retrouvaille weekend! It is a big step, and I'm sure you won't regret it. How much is addressed about the lack of love and sex in the marriage? Nothing specifically is said about it. The presenters talk about their own marriages. Maybe those were issues in their marriages, and maybe not. So I can't say that they will talk about it.
You and your husband will discuss your own marriage in private, just between the two of you. Retrouvaille will teach you how to talk to each other. They will give you a framework for the discussions and ask questions that lead you to think about yourself, your husband, and your marriage. You won't be revealing anything about yourselves to the other people there. Unless you choose to, say in conversation at meals.
Don't worry about anything. Just pack your bag and go. They will take care of everything. And if things don't go well between you two, don't hesitate to ask one of the presenting couples for guidance.
One more thing....just last night he said that marriage is a "pain in the #*&" because of all the stress and tension of having to worry about another person. He said he is lonely and he would like a companion but, no longer thinks being married is the thing for him. How do I handle that attitude this weekend at Retrouvaille or should I just not bring that up and let the weekend try to work through these feelings for him?
Maybe Lotus might have an idea here...but I wonder if you acknowledge that lately you have noticed how hard it is for him with all the conflict BUT you are very excited about how the future could be.
If after lots of hard work, it still isn't working, what can you do? But if you haven't tried...
Fearful...do you think you could read that book I mentioned?
Hello! Well....I can only say it was a AWESOME weekend. I highly recommend Retrouvaille to anyone who is having at least the slighest bit of problem with their marriage. Both my husband and I said that no matter what happens, we will cherish the memories of this past weekend and all it had to offer for the rest of our lives.
I thought we were headed in the right direction but, last night he started to back peddle again so all I can hope for is the six post sessions will help. At least he committed to those. As of Friday night, he had not.
