W still wants separation, need to DB more

[TrentC]

I been DB for about 5-6 weeks now. My W is still cold and bitter toward me.

If what you've been doing isn't working, then it's time to change tactics. Sounds like you're on your way to recognizing that...

How do I compliment without pursuing? I received a few tips in my other thread but I am now looking for more creative ways.

The best way to do it is to do so unconditionally. If she looks nice then look her in the eye, say "You look really nice today," smile, and move on. If she acknowledges it, great. If not, no big deal.

My W has stunning blue eyes and a beautiful smile and I have ALWAYS compliment her on each but she does not remember me every doing so.

Typical WAS rewriting of history; of course they're not going to focus on the positive aspects of the marriage.

Other compliment her and I don't want it to be where other compliment her and I don't therefore she is drawn to an OM.

You can't control that. She will respond to your compliments, or the compliments of others, as she chooses. And the fact that you are thinking in those terms shows that maybe you haven't moved as far from your controlling tendencies as you believe.

However, you can influence her behavior by how you interact with her.

A good book for you to look at is The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca; it discusses much of the same stuff as DB and DR, and also covers topics like emotional reactivity (here is a good article by Scott Ginsberg on the subject) and detachment (here is a Livestrong.com article on detachment). If you can work on detaching and overcoming emotional reactivity, you have the tools to defuse the negative interaction that currently exists.

1000ships collected a whole bunch of good articles by James J. Messina, the author of "Developing Detachment" above, in this thread.

Here are some other books to look at -- I don't know if any of these have been suggested before:

* The Journey From Abandonment To Healing by Susan Anderson
* Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz
* His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
* The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
* For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
(For women, there is For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn)