The Four Phases of SSM Recovery

[Young at Heart]

First I want to thank you for your past support and advise. I found this thread particularly helpful after I changed and started to see progress in the healing of my SSM.

My wife and I met with our sex therapist last night and she told us that in her mind we were "cured."

We have regularly been having sex at least twice a week (I have said I would like it three times a week, but the therapist said to be greatful and accept some degree of compromise) and my wife is giving me signs of non-sexual physical affection regularly.

Similarly, I am working hard to make my wife feel loved by doing things in her languages of love (acts of service/devotion and quality time) every day.

She is much happier and we feel connected to each other. She has forgiven me and is no longer angry at me for things that happened 20+ years ago. We have also learned alot about communications and relationships over the past several months. Most importantly we want to be with each other for the rest of our lives.

I would add to your book list Chapman's the Five Languages of Love (as that was also a real break though in understanding how I had hurt my wife and how she had been telling me every day that she loved me in ways that I couldn't understand.)

As to you request for timing information:

Our marriage hit its low point last summer to the point where I the HD partner stopped having sex with my wife because of the emotional pain and rejection associated with "making love."

Phase 1 (heal yourself): 8/2009- present and future (signed up for a June half marathon and have weight loss and fitness/exercise goals into 2011).
Phase 2 (learn to serve your spouse): 10/2009-2/2010 (still learning and want to learn more as long as I live)
Phase 3 (get spouse on board): 12/2009 - 2/2010
Phase 4 (working together): 1/2010-present

Our board certified sex therapist has helped and told us to stay in touch with an ocassional email, and if we find a problem area to set up another appointment. My wife and I went out to dinner to celebrate and enjoy each other. She told me that we need to periodically pull out the Gottman Art and Science of Love weekend workshop kit and go through some of the expercises every three or four months just to remind each other what we have.

I am a very happy camper and feel more loved and connected to my wife that I have in decades.

I want to thank everyone who gave me advice, suggested things to do or read or gave me some moral support.