Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

in this thread, I plan to be more organized. I really have not done a good job of that.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1978038#Post1978038

here's a slight recap.

WAW walked out on march 2nd. various issues. health, custody, financial, etc etc. WAW did not get her new job.

I have been trying to hold it together. I am in counseling. I have gotten a few health issues resolved. I'm really setting goals and accomplishing. I think I may have gotten this job.


I left something out because I know i'm going to get 2 x 4ed. I tried to resist my lust and passion towards my W. I could not. We made love so many times. I know im gonna get 2 x 4ed for it. Especially because I got the std from her. Because she hasn't done anything to earn anything or show that she's committed or serious. I just got weak. *sighs and bows head in shame*

...a man has to crawl again before he can walk.

Actually a baby has to crawl before it learns to walk.
You know how to walk, you've just been preferring crawling because you're so used to being happy with the crumbs you are given by your wife and those crumbs and sprinkled gingerly on the ground, hence the requirement for crawling. If you had high standards for yourself, you wouldn't settle for crumbs, you'd let her be for a while, you'd focus on you and get your $hit together and stop trying to impress a wife who's been having affairs and giving your herpes - something to think about.

When you settle for less, expect to get less.
When you stop settling and only expect the best, expect the best things to start happening in your life.

You’re right rob. I hate to admit it but you’re right. Every time she texts or calls or we interact together I’m analyzing it. I’m ready to do anything to save my M and she knows it. She’s passively aggressively controlling me. Throwing just enough out there to not lose me. I did wrong I can admit it. I was a pretty bad husband with verbal abuse and a hot temper. It was not intentional. I did not even realize how I’d gotten that way and I aim to change it. I’m also willing to fix it. She has to want to give this her best. Not just sit around and half ass it. As long as I settle for her doing what’s she’s doing why wouldn’t she change it? She’s getting to cake eat. She needs to miss me and realize there’s a really good chance that I may walk away. That she could lose her H AND HER LOVING BOYS TOO. As well as the inlaws who love her very much but are tired of the crap too.

good luck in the job interview,
be cool, calm, collected, just assume the job is actually waiting for YOU to take it, you're making the decision as to whether or not you want the job, it's a great frame of mind to be in and that confidence is shown in your body language.

already done with job interview. They showed me around the location talked to me with interview questions for about 15 to 20 mins and it was very light and friendly. There was even laughing and joking going on. SInce the job is only 5 mins away from home it's also very convenient. They let me sit around someone and see how they do their job functions. Then they asked me would I be interested in doing it. Of course I said I could. I have another interview tommorrow with another company.

I really do not understand why you are getting so defensive.

Yes, when we hit rock bottom and somehow manage to keep standing that is a good thing. Very good.

In case you are not aware, I also had an actual nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with a situational panic disorder in April of 2009. I also have lupus so I certainly understand medical issues.

Think of your situation as a series of peaks and valleys. You are always REALLY high or REALLY low. At this time nothing has evened out.

Less than a few weeks ago your W was very active in affairs. Be it physical or emotional affairs, other people were in the mix. You busted them and five days later (if I am understanding your posts correctly) you and your W are dating. IMO that smacks of rebounding.

Take some time to really study the psychology of an affair. There is a period of withdrawal and *I* certainly would not want to be the "filler" while my spouse was withdrawing from an affair. Again, you are both working on a "high" instead of reality. The "high" feeling and longevity don't really go hand in hand. Hence the reason we have said to go dark. Your W has all kinds of things to figure out before she starts "dating" again. Even if the person she is dating is you. It appears you are her fallback option. She knows you will be there and you were. When she senses you are slipping away a bit she starts with the calls/texts/crocodile tears and you fall for it hook, line and sinker. The person who cares least about the R controls it. She is in control.

There are hundreds of amazing people on this site and we all can learn so much every single day no matter where we are in life. It may not be what we want to hear but it's still important we allow it to sink in and at the very least give it some thought. Experience is a very wise teacher.

Yep I do. I need to level out. I’m afraid to admit it. I feel as though if I start talking to her and interacting with her I will lose her forever. So I’ve tried hard to make our dates special. Obviously that’s not working due to her distance again. She has total control. I have none. I don’t think she really thinks she’s going to lose me either. Maybe she doesn’t care.

I don’t want to be filler. I want to have her respect commitment love and trust. I felt bad about the Saturday with the knife. I felt bad about the things she told me after she left. I felt bad about really thinking about things I have done and have wondered how going dark will fix it.

So now I need help with a plan on going dark. I need to understand what it’s supposed to do. I’m rereading my book and is it for just me or for her to think about things and miss me. I’m setting my goals and working towards them but how does darkness help if she felt I didn’t listen to her? If she felt I was not paying attention to her needs? Help me understand. I want to improve my life and regain some power. How do I do that? I really need some help here.

It was so much more passionate she said she loves me and all this stuff. I felt we were turning a corner. I guess not. I have not had one single conversation with her on the phone in almost 2 days. Is she confused? Is this normal? What do I do now?

The day wa great. I didn't want it to end. I hadn't even really planned on it. Maybe I did. But as soon as she started kissing me I couldn't help and backslid. I really just planned on talking. Heck I don't know. But since then we have had very little contact. She went over her mothers to visit with SIL and MIL and twin NIECES.


She has not called me since Monday night. I've gotten maybe 5 text messages total from her.

[james217]

i do want to try to get some agreements in place about some bills our finances and other issues and contact stuff before going dark. I told her i would like to talk to her later.
Then i'm going to start going dark and just not answering her calls.

I do need a plan though and what is supposed to happen during the darkness?

[james217]

a few of WAW texts.

This is after our date, ML etc etc

"I think we were more in tune with each other... more than we were before.. I just completely enjoyed the evening"

"I felt such passion and love and caring"

yesterday

"I miss you but i am at my mother's house visiting.."

I asked was she ok she said she was fine.

She asked how I was feeling I said kinda tired. she stated she hoped I feel better.

today I got one text message

"I'm glad ur interview went great.. I just picked up my phone and really looked at it"

that's pretty much it. i got two phone calls on monday night after we left. not a single call since and very limited text messages.

before she was talking like crazy we were having fun but maybe that was rebound like cg says. There has been little contact since.

So ok people i need help with a plan. I think I'm going to get this job. I feel very good about it.

So go ahead and two by four me. Then let's come up with a plan

[acsnow]

I have gone dark myself. It is helping me detach and GAL. Don't know what to expect from W. Have not seen or herd from her in 3 wks. I am starting to get to the point where I don't really care.

[james217]

I have gone dark myself. It is helping me detach and GAL. Don't know what to expect from W. Have not seen or herd from her in 3 wks. I am starting to get to the point where I don't really care.

so you're detaching. Has she tried to contact you or you just stopped contacting her? How long are you staying dark? When do you come out of darkness? Do you ever? I'm reading db again and i'm such a rookie. *sighs*

[james217]

i have sooooooooo many questions. she's started pursueing me a little bit now I go dark? I'm so freaking lost man. Let her pursue and then what? She aint pursueing right now. There's pretty much NC again. *sighs*

[robx]

no more new threads,
and if she's starting to pursue you, why would you change what you're doing, just keep doing whatever you're doing, let her continue to pursue you, are you so desperate that you want to be caught so quickly when she's chasing you? C'mon, man up!

[acsnow]

I am not sure how long I will stay dark. I am not going to initiate any contact unless absoulutly nessecary. The only contact we have had in the past 8 months had to do with D18 and basketball. Basketball is over. No need to see her. I have reached out many times and I get nothing in return. I have read DR couple times myself. She has not tried to contact me at all.

We will see

[Puppy Dog Tails]

i have sooooooooo many questions. she's started pursueing me a little bit now I go dark? I'm so freaking lost man. Let her pursue and then what? She aint pursueing right now. There's pretty much NC again. *sighs*

Maybe she got some advice from some caring, experienced people, who advised her to go dark, and she listened to them.

Just a thought.

Puppy

[james217]

no more new threads,
and if she's starting to pursue you, why would you change what you're doing, just keep doing whatever you're doing, let her continue to pursue you, are you so desperate that you want to be caught so quickly when she's chasing you? C'mon, man up!

rob are you being sarcastic or serious? its hard to tell with your sometimes man. LOL Nope I don't wanna be caught not right now. I'm not much of a catch I have alot of things i need to fix and work on. Otherwise we'll end up back at square one.

waw just texted. she said she feels sluggish and restless and very sick. Not seizure like but this is a side effect of the pill she takes.

she needs to schedule follow up appointment with the doctor. that's on her.

help me with a plan rob. go dark or not? let her pursue and keep giving space? stay gray?

*beats his chest* *drinks beer8 *lifts weights* *gets his andrenaline and testosterone flowing*