Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

[saffie]

Personally, I would not leave it unsaid that you need to cancel if he is not going to the weekend. Just ask in a business-like way if is planning to go or not.

I would do that................and then depending on the what he replies and HOW he replies...........if you don't go to retro you could think of other things you could do without the children- motorbike rides, window shopping motorbikes ....whatever. However, if his reply is really negative to the Retro question, ( and I don't mean just about Retro.....rather about your whole sitch altogether.....then I would make plans for yourself - pamper yourself- no chores, bubblebath, movies, good book etc....but nothing for him or his children whilst the children are away.

BTW - stop torturing yourself with the FB stuff. FB is just a childish toy and it causes so many upsets and miscommunications. What IS the point in looking at it - why would he wipe off OW at this point? Doesn't mean they are in contact and he knows if you are checking up on him that this is going to hurt you - just stop. Another way he can stick the knife in without having to do anything.....and you are letting it work - {sigh}

[Allen A]

Oh, and as for H not wanting to leave, what he told MIL is that nothing will change short term with us, we've been "just friends" living together and that will continue.

If that's true, though, why is he so hurt and trying to hurt me back by sleeping on the couch? This is something I've been toying with for a bit now.

Well, first off, he's LYING to his mother, he's been sleeping with you... FRIENDS do NOT do that. Ya, he's on the couch now... big deal.. he's just pouting and trying to hurt you.

I would just not make a big deal about it... he's using the couch to make you squirm... and you are letting him.

[Allen A]

Allen, hope you don’t mind me posting your advice to 4luv here. It just really struck me that I have almost been here before but keep fighting the feeling as I feel as if I need to be the BBD for a bit before letting my “had enough” emotions get to me.

Interesting too that H has been very darkly angry at me a few times when he discovered I hadn’t told him everything and twice has said “it seems you have some secrets from me as well.” In almost an evil tone of voice…

He REALLY didn’t like it when I surprised him like that. However, him not liking something does not equate to doing something that is working to bring us back together, so I’ve been really mulling this one over for a while.

OK, I had this exact question/sitaution hurled at me by my wife. I made the following points :

1. You keep secrets to covertly DESTROY our marriage
2. I keep secrets to covertly PROTECT and ENHANCE our marriage.
3. Your secrets hurt people and drive them away
4. My secrets rally people to help us

Secretkeeping is fine if the result is a good thing... birthdayparties, xmas presents, etc... these ARE secrets, but they aren't HURTING ANYONE

My wife pointed out that her privacy was violated and she was hurt by being lied to.

I told her I knew she was telling OM all about our relationsihp problems and violating MY privacy, and she was hurting me by lying to me and her friends as well.

Your husband has NO LEG to stand on here... don't even put your marriage saving oeprations on the same LEVEL as the sociopathic mind games he's been playing.. they are totally different.

Your act was to help protect others, his was to hurt people. This is like complaining to a cop becuase he had to fire his gun...

Self Defence argument works well here.

Just say "I had to protect myself and our children - if you don't like it that's too damn bad... they are YOUR KIDS... it should be YOU WORKING WITH ME to PROTECT THEM.. DAD!"

[Marked&Healed]

Advice needed on the Retro thing. First a bit of background. We adopted a beautiful, energetic, playful dog 10 years ago. She just happened to have a major attitude and bit a few people while she was still a foster dog. H loved her and we adopted her so she wouldn't be put to death. We took her to a trainer that cost us $1200 to get the nasty trained out of her, it was an every day affair training her - constant supervision, VERY hard work. A year later, we had another incident because we backslid and didn't keep up on her training (she has fear aggression, she is over it now - mostly) It cost us $500 to get her trained again.

Bringing up the Retro thing. I was thinking of saying to H - listen, I am thinking it's time to find a new home for dog. I know she's been with us for 10 years, but she has mood swings and is unreliable. You never know if she's going to be nice or if we can bring strangers around her. Let's find her a new home and get a new, better dog. FIL doesn't think he'll get the comparison, but then I could say... we spent x amount of dollars and years taking her to doggy therapy to make her a better dog. We explained clearly to her what we needed from her, in doggy language, and we made her a better dog. We don't give up our dogs because we both agreed that once they are members of the family, they stay until they die. We do what it takes to make it better if there is a problem... why won't you go to Retro with me and make the same commitment to me, YOUR WIFE?

[Lotus]

Too complicated. What's wrong with "Retrouvaille is friday. Are we going? If not, I need to cancel. It's getting late"

[TrentC]

Too complicated. What's wrong with "Retrouvaille is friday. Are we going? If not, I need to cancel. It's getting late"

Agreed; communication between spouses doesn't need to be so complicated. And frankly, it sounds like you're lecturing him.

[MrBond]

Uh I didn't get the comparison either, so trust me, I really doubt he would also.

When he's in the fog you have to state things clearly and then ask if he has any questions about what you just said. If you can't get him to understand what you are saying to him now to his face, what makes you think he's going to understand the metaphor?

[Marked&Healed]

Because he's already said he doesn't want to go, and that this is ALL ABOUT HIM. He feels as if I controlled, controlled, controlled all of our R and he is not even going to let me make one teeny tiny decision. He is ADAMANT that he will not allow me to DO anything for him and he is ADAMANT that he will not EVER be able to change how he feels about me because I'm just such an evil, horrible b**ch.

[Marked&Healed]

OK, thanks guys... FIL said the same thing. I think the comparison is clear, and MIL got it. LOL. Be a lighthouse.

I believe that if I ask straight out he'll say no, so maybe I just need to be positive that he'll say yes and act as if he will and then ask.

[TrentC]

Because he's already said he doesn't want to go, and that this is ALL ABOUT HIM. He feels as if I controlled, controlled, controlled all of our R and he is not even going to let me make one teeny tiny decision. He is ADAMANT that he will not allow me to DO anything for him and he is ADAMANT that he will not EVER be able to change how he feels about me because I'm just such an evil, horrible b**ch.

I'm not sure what the long metaphor about your dog is going to do to change that. If anything, it sounds like more nagging, controlling behavior to me.

I mean, seriously -- you want to ask him if you should get a new dog, and if he says no, say "Aha! You want to take care of our dog no matter what, then why won't you do the same for our marriage!"? Could you be more passive-aggressive??

Try this: ask him if he's willing to give you one weekend to try to make things work. It's simple, it's direct, and it lets him make the choice without feeling like you manipulated into it.