(Originally posted in WAS until I realized that was for the WAS)
I'm not sure where to start. I have posted in WAS first, but am not entirely sure there isn't an aspect of MLC involved.
I thought my marriage was fairly typical. In those stupid moments of comparing to others, I thought we were OK. Sure we had some arguments and some recurring themes. But I cooked, cleaned and did laundry...I had to be better than lots of husbands. 16 years in I'm told that she wants a divorce.
I suppose a lot of the typical WAS attributes fit. There were a lot of attempts at working on us, many slowed to a crawl. I suppose there was some "nagging" and perhaps had always been and I was at the magical place of ignoring and hoping it would go away. I am the avoider and she is the fighter. We are both stubborn and prideful and hardheaded. I could always tell that whenever we would argue, she would see my point and try to make a change, just like I would...even if we vehemently denied it during the tiff.
I've read 5LL and she is all about QT, but I've never pinned a #2 on her. I am definitely WOA with a PT as a second. It is clear that neither of us understood what that was. I had my ideas of what QT should look like, but clearly missed the mark. She thought I was PT, but her PT looked probably to me like what my QT looked like to her. In both regards I am sure there was an aspect of "OK, there is your 5 minute thing, can we get on to mine?"
Since the bomb, I watched Fireproof. She says she put it in our queue and she had already seen it, but either she did and is SO jaded, or she didn't, because when I watched it, I recommended it to just about everyone I knew that was married. It was that moving.
So the bomb, brought the plan. Share the house for the kids sake. Kids stay, we switch. I was so shell shocked and so hopeful that this would be a 2 week thing that I went along. Friends have told me that this was the wrong thing to do. I simply didn't listen to them. I wanted to wait a while.
Signs point to two different women. The mom and the single-party-girl. I can't say that anything is an EA at this point. I fear that there have been two PAs so far. Lots of extra communication.
Some quick facts to help you help me decide: - She has never to my knowledge been "alone" from her mid-teens until now. - MIL is BiPolar and they don't speak. - We were Intimate within 2 weeks of the bomb, once VERY nice and the next was "are we done yet" - Her unhappiness is 4+ years she tells people.
I don't trust her at this point and know that she is lying on many things. I am loving her unconditionally. She doesn't understand. I "broke" her plan and moved home full time.
Me:42 W:38 M:17 Announcement: Jan '10 S Filed: Mar '10
I'm a little confused by your post, and what you chose as your Title of your thread.
What does your thread title mean?
Also, you state your wife had two physical affairs. How long ago were these? Does she know that you know? If so, what consequences, if any, were there? What boundaries, if any, did you put in place in your marriage after your wife's infidelity? I ask because usually when someone writes "I am loving my wife unconditionally," it really means "I have zero boundaries in place." That may not be true in your case, though.
Fireproof is an AWESOME movie, but it doesn't mesh very well (ok, "at all") with the wayward stage in a marriage, as it's classic "Pursuit" that MWD warns against in her books. It's more for a couple who have mutually agreed to reconcile, and are working at healing the marriage jointly.
- We were Intimate within 2 weeks of the bomb, once VERY nice and the next was "are we done yet"
this is a BIG problem.
Quote:
Since the bomb, I watched Fireproof. .... I recommended it to just about everyone I knew that was married. It was that moving.
this is a problem, too. but not as big as the first.
keyword of the day, testosterone.
I tried not to laugh when I read what Steve wrote "...this is a BIG problem"
but it is kind of funny. Anyways you need to be able to laugh at yourself, keeps you grounded but keeps you happy too. As for the wife saying "are we done yet", bro, what's up with your technique? If you're just going to lie on your wife with all your weight, do some half-assed push ups like most men well... she's going to get squished, tired and bored. The next time you guys hook up, you better get your game face on and put on the performance of a lifetime, don't punk out, give her a good pounding, she will thank you for it.
OK...so many answers to give all in one message. Puppy Dog Tails 1. the name of the thread. There are details that may or may not mean anything, but I am not ready to share. I am unsure if she will come looking and reading. 2. I don't believe there was anything going on prior to the bomb, the PA, seems too short for EA have occurred since the bomb. I confronted the first and everything was denied. She knows I suspect something. There are no boundaries because we aren't reconciling according to her. I am at the "I don't like the actions, but I love the woman"
Steve McQueen 1. I meant that PRIOR to the Bomb, not after. In other words, seemed like everything was fine. 2. Thanks for the man-up speech. At that time, I was still thinking it was just some sort of extended fight and that it "wasn't really happening" if you know what I mean.
Robx Really? Is that what you got out of that? When a woman doesn't want foreplay and doesn't engage, but gets upset when you don't leap at the opportunity to ravage her and be done in 5 minutes.... that is a problem.
I'm still trying to decide if it is WAW or MLC...it doesn't matter much for me the LBS, but getting an understanding would be great.
Me:42 W:38 M:17 Announcement: Jan '10 S Filed: Mar '10
I'm still trying to decide if it is WAW or MLC....
*SMACK*
concerned over acronyms? Geez, Louise. you defined her above, she's a "single-party-girl" and a liar, "I don't trust her at this point and know that she is lying on many things."
There are no boundaries because we aren't reconciling according to her. I am at the "I don't like the actions, but I love the woman"
You misunderstand boundaries, Mr. Peabody. You do not have to be reconciling in order to implement boundaries; in fact, they're probably even MORE important, to protect yourself, during the wayward phase. Look up Coach's excellent thread on "Boundaries" for some good examples, but some, from my sitch, might be "No texting or calling OM from inside our house," "No texting or calling OM in front of the kids from ANYWHERE," "no spending family funds on an affair" (alt.: "I will not pay to financially enable your affairs"), etc.
The more details we have, the better we can help you. There are always things that you can do to make yourself more anonymous.
OK...Steve McQueen... I'm sure I deserve a smack among other things. I'm a noob to Divorce/Separation/DBing. I'm still reading. It just seems to me that WAW was perfect, but then I started reading some of the MLC stuff and there is in many people's mind a difference. I was hoping for a little help and understanding on the difference and what that means to the M.
PDT, because she is sheltering all the information and hasn't thrown it in my face, making a boundary around not contacting the OM isn't practical. She is still at the "I'm done" phase where everything was my fault and she just can't do it anymore. If she had opened up that information I could perhaps set boundaries.
I did shatter one of her rules and took some control away, but I suspect it is short lived because it is called out in the S document. I HAD planned to contest it on many grounds, but am now wondering if that is the right thing to do?
Me:42 W:38 M:17 Announcement: Jan '10 S Filed: Mar '10
PDT, because she is sheltering all the information and hasn't thrown it in my face, making a boundary around not contacting the OM isn't practical. She is still at the "I'm done" phase where everything was my fault and she just can't do it anymore. If she had opened up that information I could perhaps set boundaries.
What are one or two things that she is currently doing that you find disrespectful and hurtful to you?
you think you can't setup boundaries as is, well I'll say you're a fool then. Of course you can, "I'm not going to be in an open relationship and I'm not going to share you with the OM, if you really want to be with him so badly, you should be with him, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me so be with him. I also think you should move out, I'll help you pack your things, it's time for me to prepare for living the single life and that means not living with you anymore, when can you move out? Also have you spoken to a divorce attorney yet? If you haven't, you should probably get on that too, no I won't help pay for that - since you chose to have an affair you can choose to pay for a divorce as well, we're also going to start splitting up the finances immediately as well, I don't need to share my energy, time and resources with you anymore."
There, how's that for boundaries, saying it like it is, regardless of whatever information she shares.
