Burt, seems to me you are working on a good balance of boundary setting, calling your W out on her self entitled behaviors and working on you. Stay the course.
Hmm, you sounded very parental and controlling to me.
Please don't misunderstand--I'm not saying W is right. It does sound like she's spoiled and pouting to a degree. And I do think she should be doing more about your financial sitch if it worries her so much.
That said, I think I understand where W is coming from at least partially. I hate being told what to do, always have. I didn't finish half of my required reading in college but I kept the bookes and ended up reading everything eventually. So when you tell W to hold your hand, tell her to sit down, tell her to X, Y, or Z then her first instinct is probably, "No, you can't tell me what to do. I am a grown woman and I will make my own decisions." And then to prove that point she will do the opposite. Not the most mature response but understandable to me.
I get why you want to take over the bill paying. I get that you're struggling financially and are working your butt off to provide for your family. And I totally support setting boundaries and enforcing them. However I don't think the approach you're taking with W is working. Think about telling W you'd like to set aside some time to discuss finances so she has time to think about it and it's truly a conversation, not an ambush of telling her how you're doing everything right and she's doing everything wrong. That way she may not react so defensively.
As always, just my two cents.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Very good advice Pearl, I am struggling with stepping up, and taking a leading roll, with talking down, and being the ass.
My mindset has been, if she wants to put it all our troubles on me, then I want control over the whole situation.
I understand how it must have made her feel, when I told her to sit down, but, I felt that she was acting like a child, then she should have been treated like one. Probably not the best idea.
Yesterday, she broke out to be nicer, no touching or anything like that, but a lot more pleasant conversation and a call today when I was on the road visiting clients to have a safe trip home. She would have not done that the day before.
Another day of DB'ing and non pressuring with any kind of physical advances. Will let her decide when it is appropriate.
Decided to apologize for the talking down part of our conversation. She agreed I was being an ass, and also said I was childish afterwards because I was pouting. Childish! I said it just gets frustrating and I am stressed about all of this also, bit my tongue with the childish comment and went to work.
I think it's fine if you tell her that: "W, if you want me to solve this problem on my own, no problem. But we will do things my way, period. If you want to have a say in how it's solved then sit down with me and discuss how we can solve it together."
I totally get that if she's acting childish you want to call her on it. I'm just suggesting a different way to do that.
When BF wants me to do crap for him that I feel he should do himself I simply tell him I'm not his mother and leave the room or change the subject.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I said it just gets frustrating and I am stressed about all of this also, bit my tongue with the childish comment and went to work.
Next time, try this phrasing (thanks, Coach!):
"When you get angry with me and shut me out, for how we are not doing financially as a couple, without also offering ways that you can help contribute, it makes me feel ___________ . (like a debit card and billpaying service, rather than a husband?) I need to feel like we are partners in this. If you need to just vent, I understand, but it would be helpful if you could also occasionally come up with an idea on how we can address this TOGETHER. I want us both to be happy."
Man she is sooo miserable. I have decided to let her be miserable. The only time I see her light up a little bit is with the dogs. Oh, and we were helping our 9 year old with some homework and he read us something and he got the words mixed up to the point we were laughing uncontrollably when he left the room. lol
But, I get no good nights at night, (I just patted her on her head and said I was going up) nor did I get any good bye this morning.
I do not think it should be my problem anymore, she will have to climb out of her hole herself unless she asks for help.
