If you feel relieved for now that's good but let it sink in. It is a shock and even though you have been contemplating this it still very shocking when you say it for real and you believe it.
Now I wish I could give you the big hug you wanted to give me yesterday (or was it this a.m.?)
I think you have done an amazing effort here and you will be able to carry this into a new R. This will take some time though to work through and I would recommend IC.
The one mistake I made in my first M (wish I had this place then) was I ran away from the heartache and didn't deal with it for many years. But it catches up to you in the end so don't run away. Deal with it head on with all your courage you have shown us here.
I am very sad for you both I must say because I feel you really gave your all to this and I know that this man will regret what he is doing.
When this settles in you will know in your heart and your gut I think (if you don't already)if this is right for you.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thank you everyone for all your advice and support. It has meant so much to me and has really helped me see things more clearly..even though I sometimes did the exact opposite of what I was advised. I think the writing was on the wall with our M for some time. I was trying to be optimistic. I looked back on my first post where I said I was ambivalent about saving my M..well that didn't change..and my STBXH made this decision easier.
I do feel relieved. My STBXH still does not take responsibility for his actions. He still doesn't see or feel the pain that he has caused..he can only feel his pain. He continues to project his guilt and blame onto me. After all of this..I still don't speak to him the way he chooses to speak to me. When I pointed this out..he said "yes Lola..you are a martyr". I am not a martyr...I have feelings of compassion and empathy..feelings that most people have that he lacks. If that makes me a martyr- so be it..I think it just makes me human.
Throughout the past few months I have been able to get over the anger I felt towards him for having the A and treating me so awfully throughout the entire thing. I think this is a good thing..I will have an easier time letting go. I want better.
I thought for the longest time that I caused him to speak to me like he did or act like he did towards me. I bent over backwards trying to avoid an argument or to make him happy. I have learned..that NOBODY forces you to behave like that. This is a choice.
His feelings are his reality...unfortunately they aren't anyone elses reality. His responses to situations have always been exaggerated and immature at times. This is who he is..he doesn't see any issues with himself..everything is everybody else's fault and therefore, probably won't change until he does some soul searching.
I have a feeling that he is not going to make things easy in the coming months. This will be a whole new set of challenges. I need a fast forward button. How can someone be so angry??? The A was so hurtful...the way he treated me was so hurtful..and now he is trying to rewrite marital history to help justify his actions. This is hurtful too. Makes me feel like my M was a sham. I need to get over this.
I know exactly how you feel..... everything about this last post you wrote... especially the last paragraph
Take comfort in knowing... whether you want the M anymore or not...its not over until its over... and even when the D is final... some 14% of people re-marry each other... so if you ever felt like maybe you do want the M after all...it is still possible....
I imagine I will feel like a wave of new mini bombs as well, first when i get orders to leave here and go home... actually separate to a different country from my H... and then when papers are filed, and then while D is final... yup its all gonna suck when it happens.....
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
I just read Britt's thread yesterday so go check it out. I think you have been dealing with similar issues in that Your H has been controlling all this.
I have said all along what most people decide to do is run from this sitch. You have had courage to stand in and stand up for your M. If you have been ambivalent the whole time you need to ask yourself if that hindered your thinking and actions.
This is truly the "worse" in "for better or worse" and most people around you don't understand what you are trying to do because they project their own fear.
Gucci's suggestion above is good because you're not fighting him anymore. Your not expecting some change or reaction from him. You have to decide what YOU want.
If you have do be the one to file then file, but know why you have to be the one to file. Pride? Anxious to move on with your life?
If you sit back and don't fight H and he files then you are standing up for better or worse. Your not in Limbo. You can still file whenever you want if you want.
I am not trying to convince you one way or the other I am just saying know why YOU are doing something.
If you've let him convince you of something that makes him feel better then where are you? Still on the receiving end of his BS and crazy head.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
If you've let him convince you of something that makes him feel better then where are you? Still on the receiving end of his BS and crazy head.
What are my options here? I have to walk away with the dignity I have left. I don't want to be in his craziness anymore..I need my sanity back.
I have to read Brit's thread. After hearing all the BS from my H..I don't want to be with him. I don't know if that is the way he really feels or just excuses..but I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I just left work in tears. H calls me this morning bullying me about how I want to file for D. I have always told him that I wanted to file as adultery. We were going to try to file without lawyers. He told me that if I file for adultery..he won't let me keep the house and he will make things difficult for me.
I know it is easier to just give in to him but that is what I have always done. I don't think he will make it easy either way although he says he will.
Just read Brit's post. Some things sound just like my H. Telling me that it was never meant to be..was never attracted to me..we couldn't talk about anything. It is all so hurtful. 10 years!!!..and the relationship has been downgraded to sh*t. The more he says things like this..the more I want to defend our M..but I know he isn't ready to hear anything like that.
I think what triggered the divorce talk was that my cousin called my H last night. My cousin thought he passed my H driving and thought my H waved. My cousin didn't wave back but then thought about it after..was that Lola's H? He called my H and they talked. My H called me angry..saying that my cousin knew what was going on. My H has been living in a bubble- he doesn't think anybody knows what has been happening even though he hasn't been to a family event in months. My H said- well if that cousin knows..all the cousins know. My H would rather run from the pain then deal with it.
I don't think I am going to have a success story like Brit's. I am hopeful that I will have success..just not with my H. We don't have children and my H is too resentful and prideful to admit he made a mistake. It is easier for him to blame the M and walk away..the M made him do it. He isn't fooling anyone but himself but he feels this is necessary.
I didn't fight the D talk last night. I really don't feel like I have much to fight for right now. I am still not convinced H has ended contact with OW. He wants me to start the house stuff but wanted to hold off on the D paperwork..said the house stuff should come first. I am just tired.
I was thinking a lot about your situation today. Mostly about how you got here to the D talk. Remember all the caution flags that came out here from people about your H not being ready to piece your M back. That none of us thought that MC was going to be very helpful right now?
Go back and look. I really think your H has to deal with his issues. You and I are not dealing with the same personality with our Spouses but the same approach applies.
You said something to me on my thread: you got married for better or for worse not just until it got tough. Right? Well it don't get much tougher.
If you believe this AND you want to stop living like this then the answer is here for you. This process is about healing YOURSELF and doesn't end with the D or with your H being crazy. You have started it by coming hear and listening.
It will end when you have made it through the process an LBS goes through. I know you don't consider yourself an LBS but you are. Your H had an A and he is not back in this M even though he thinks he's been trying (really not much of an effort)
When (and if) you sign your D you won't do it as a victim or from a place of weakness you will do it because you have accepted everything, let go of the pain, and grown in yourself to know that it is the best choice for YOU to be happy.
Your M is still in trauma right now. I suggest that you continue to conmpletely detach. No contact. If H wants to serve you with papers then you have to react but take the time to take care of you. This is only if you believe what i wrote above. You can obviously go through this healing process with a D but we are here because of our integrity and the desire to do whatever we can within the limits of our own health and sanity to save our M.
Only you can know what that is.
There is an interesting thread on MLC I will try to lift for yiu here later.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
