I was going to suggest she sounds like a sex addict like me,
but we found out today my wife has breast cancer today and I can really only offer you my best of luck today maybe i will log on sometime and tell you about addictions maybe goodluck
W and I didn't have any good opportunities to have our talk this weekend. I'll see if there's time tonight when she drops our son off.
I kept my cool. I acted like it didn't bother me at all. I never said one word about them. I didn't want our time together w/ S8 to be one that revolved around the divorce papers. BTW they are B.S., she is asking for far more then we had discussed before she got the lawyer. I'm not surprised. I figured once the lawyer got her teeth into my W they would control her.
Since we had the weekend planed w/ S8 I let W stay the weekend. At some point Saturday S8 asked her if she was sleeping in our bed or on the couch. She told him the couch. Of course she slept with me in our bed both nights. Sunday before she left for work she made the couch look like she slept in it. I asked her why do you lie to him about it. She said she didn't want to confuse him. I said he's not the only one confused and went back to bed. She came in and kissed me goodbye. In fact she did it both mornings. It was like nothing had changed for a moment.
Before she left last night, we went over her schedule for next week. Once again it was all over the place. She has everyone confused. I expressed my disapproval and walked outside.
W came out after me, said she was sorry for the crazy schedules lately. I said I'm sure you are. She said I'm doing my best, this isn't easy for me either (her theme). I don't get to see S8 for more than a couple hours a week. I said I'm sure it's hard for you.
She started to cry, between night school this last month and work switching me to nights I'm never going to see him. I let her cry for a while, looked at her and said you know what you can do to change all of this and I walked away.
I don't know what doors are open to talk about our R. I know she want's to talk. All she says is she doesn't want to talk because I'm going get angry and I don't want to hear what she has to say.(I won't do that of course) She uses that line often.
I get the feeling she wants me to initiate the conversation about out R. She will ask me when I'm clearly in deep thought what I'm thinking. I give her some B.S. answer because I'm not supposed to start the R conversations, right? This goes against DB'ing? I'm not sure what to do.
I catch her looking at me all the time. You know the look. Not the lustful look but the I like looking at you look.
Start dating. She filed divorce papers and only comes over for sex. That's reality, she is telling you loud & clear that she doesn't want a real relationship with you, so agree with her and tell her that the sex will stop also because you've recently met someone and you don't want to be having sex with your wife while you are starting a new relationship with another woman.
Tell her straight, "...you had your chance and you chose to have an affair with another man, I stuck in there as long as possible hoping you would eventually change your mind but all you're doing now is coming over sex and having a good time at my expense, I don't know how often you see the OM and how often this happens with him, I don't want to share a woman with another man and since you can't make a decision to turn this marriage around I'll make the decision for you. We can't have sex anymore, we'll go through with the divorce and I'm looking forward to a possible new relationship with this new woman I just met."
And leave it at that.
Let her do the rest of the work after that, and if she doesn't, seriously BJ, it's time for you to move on, observe reality, if she doesn't want you, she doesn't want you, no amount of hanging in there and being a great guy who gives her sex when the OM isn't in the picture isn't enough for you, it wouldn't be enough for most real men. Time to see this for what it is and move on. You can handle it.
Rob,
This is what I need to do. It goes against what my brain is telling me and that is why I have to do it.
I'm afraid if I do this it will truly be the end. I know I shouldn't be, I have to be strong. I wish life had prepared me better for this.
Do I dismiss all the other none sex related kisses, hugs, cuddling, hand holding relationship stuff? Chalk it up to foreplay or filler. She wanted me just hold her one day instead of sex right away. Mean anything?
Do I have to play the "new women" card if I'm not seeing anyone? Won't my W see right through it? I will be attacking her biggest insecurities. That's what she did to me, huh.
I've hinted to the fact other women have expressed interest in me. We joke about "my other girlfriends". Even last night we opened a big bottle of wine we couldn't finish. I asked her what I should do with the rest and she said save it for your other girlfriend.
She drops those little girlfriend digs all the time. Is she trying to see if I really am seeing someone?
I could go the with the flip side, she wants me to be with someone so she doesn't feel guilty.
Is that why I need to play the seeing someone new card?
The great sex we're having right now is clouding my judgment. In the back of mind a small part of me wants to believe the sex will fix everything. I can see how sex can be seen as a bad thing during this time. And that is why it has to stop.
Sorry to jump in here like this, but I have to say, this whole DBing thing is so bloody complicated and confusing!
I've been on this site for a year and a half. I have my own ongoing saga. I've read so many situations, I've read relationship books. Each time I think I understand something, a thread like this comes along to throw it all back up in the air.
Where does the WAW that wants all this sex with their LBH fit into the "script"?
From all I've read, I thought that the W not wanting sex with the H is the beginning of the end for a M. I've heard a divorce lawyer say "If they're still having sex, then the M can be fixed, otherwise it's hopeless." I've read MWD say "The physical relationship comes last in rebuilding a M. Friendship needs to be re-established first, then dating each other, then finally a physical relationship."
Seems like there are a few different "scripts" that play out. This one seems the most confusing though.
Where does the WAW that wants all this sex with their LBH fit into the "script"?
The WAW that has another man but still doesn't want to let go of her husband just in case things don't work out with the OM as per the 'fantasy' plan. The husband is the safe backup plan option, BJ how do you like feeling like the "safe backup plan option", does it make you feel all warm & fuzzy?
The WAW gives her LBH sex in this situation to "tag" him, he believes that she still wants him, he maintains that emotional connection to her and she knows this because men associate a strong emotional loving connection with their wives through sex, while his wife is actually still actively pursuing the OM and really has no intention of an emotional connection and loving relationship with her husband while the OM is in the picture.
Yes we've been relegated to the roles of mere animals, civilized logical decisions have no effect or place in this dynamic. Emotions trump logic each and everytime, any LBH on this forum should be able to attest to this:
"I've tried everything, kissed her ass, rubbed her feet, bought her gifts, dinners, moved out of the bedroom, moved out of the house, watch the kids when she dates the OM, pledged my undying love and she still wants to divorce me and be with the OM, what should i do???"
Where does the WAW that wants all this sex with their LBH fit into the "script"?
The WAW that has another man but still doesn't want to let go of her husband just in case things don't work out with the OM as per the 'fantasy' plan. The husband is the safe backup plan option, BJ how do you like feeling like the "safe backup plan option", does it make you feel all warm & fuzzy?
The WAW gives her LBH sex in this situation to "tag" him, he believes that she still wants him, he maintains that emotional connection to her and she knows this because men associate a strong emotional loving connection with their wives through sex, while his wife is actually still actively pursuing the OM and really has no intention of an emotional connection and loving relationship with her husband while the OM is in the picture.
Yes we've been relegated to the roles of mere animals, civilized logical decisions have no effect or place in this dynamic. Emotions trump logic each and everytime, any LBH on this forum should be able to attest to this:
"I've tried everything, kissed her ass, rubbed her feet, bought her gifts, dinners, moved out of the bedroom, moved out of the house, watch the kids when she dates the OM, pledged my undying love and she still wants to divorce me and be with the OM, what should i do???"
Sorry to jump in here like this, but I have to say, this whole DBing thing is so bloody complicated and confusing!
I've been on this site for a year and a half. I have my own ongoing saga. I've read so many situations, I've read relationship books. Each time I think I understand something, a thread like this comes along to throw it all back up in the air.
Where does the WAW that wants all this sex with their LBH fit into the "script"?
From all I've read, I thought that the W not wanting sex with the H is the beginning of the end for a M. I've heard a divorce lawyer say "If they're still having sex, then the M can be fixed, otherwise it's hopeless." I've read MWD say "The physical relationship comes last in rebuilding a M. Friendship needs to be re-established first, then dating each other, then finally a physical relationship."
Seems like there are a few different "scripts" that play out. This one seems the most confusing though.
Read that last part, when you first met your wife or girlfriend, you were both physically attracted to each other, you starting seeing each other, dating and the physical side of the relationship (kissing, touching, sex, etc.) came into play almost immediately within the first few dates and you looked forward to the next date and time to see each other because it was another chance of the excitement and pleasure associated with the physical attraction. You began dating regularly and a friendship formed and you started a relationship.
Where does the WAW that wants all this sex with their LBH fit into the "script"?
The WAW that has another man but still doesn't want to let go of her husband just in case things don't work out with the OM as per the 'fantasy' plan. The husband is the safe backup plan option, BJ how do you like feeling like the "safe backup plan option", does it make you feel all warm & fuzzy?
The WAW gives her LBH sex in this situation to "tag" him, he believes that she still wants him, he maintains that emotional connection to her and she knows this because men associate a strong emotional loving connection with their wives through sex, while his wife is actually still actively pursuing the OM and really has no intention of an emotional connection and loving relationship with her husband while the OM is in the picture.
Yes we've been relegated to the roles of mere animals, civilized logical decisions have no effect or place in this dynamic. Emotions trump logic each and everytime, any LBH on this forum should be able to attest to this:
"I've tried everything, kissed her ass, rubbed her feet, bought her gifts, dinners, moved out of the bedroom, moved out of the house, watch the kids when she dates the OM, pledged my undying love and she still wants to divorce me and be with the OM, what should i do???"
I guess you should kick his ass.
If you can contact him, I would suggest a face to face, just make sure you don't knock out his teeth and get sent to jail but be a cool, calm, collected, confident man and let him know that if he continues to see your wife you're going to rearrange his molecular structure.
